Witt and Wisdom

Teenage Girls, For One

There is a very long list of people that would benefit from a nice, solid, movie-style backhand across the goddamn skull.  One of those shots that starts with your feet planted firmly side by side, your right hand down by your left hip as you bend your knees slightly when your body rotates to the left and then, in a blur of violence, you bring that hand up and across your body.  You'll know you did it right if you get up on your tippy-toes.  Also, your hand should sting deliciously.

Normally, I abhor violence, but this damned war and global warming has got my head in a fit. 

Two teenage white girls, walking out of Target the other day, most likely to daddy's S-Class.  I assume they're talking about Lindsay Lohan or mojitos or getting finger-banged by Dallas Thundercock, All-State QB.  As they walk past me, I see one of them point to a handicapped parking space and sigh, "Oh my God, look at the size of that handicapped joint, girl!"

I looked at her for a second, threw some gang signs and shouted, "That crippled space is OFF THE CHAIN, YO!"

And then I went up and cracked the bitch upside her head.

Okay, I only did that in my mind, but you tell me that there's a court in the world that would've convicted me. 

Perky breasts are proof of evolution, because without them, the teenage girl would've been killed off long ago.  Goddamned natural selection is crazy like that.

Great News!

I knew it was coming, but it's nice to be validated by nerds.

A team of international scientists report that global warming is now believed to be "very likely" caused by humans.  I had my money on "caused by rainbows", so I lost some cash on that.  That's not to say we shouldn't keep our eye on the rainbows.

CNN cheerfully states that the report "warns global warming is essentially a runaway train that cannot be stopped for centuries -- but also gives slightly reduced projections on rising temperatures and sea levels by the year 2100". 

Just like that chemistry final in college, it's really all down to degrees in which you are fucked. 

But who knows, with this resurgence in the discussion of evolution, maybe we'll all have gills by 2100!   And from there, only a matter of time until carp porn is all the rage on the underwater internet.

So yeah, we're all fucked.  ENJOY THE SUPER BOWL!

Eminem is Wrong

People are always saying that you have to take your shot when it comes.  Go for it.  Grab the brass ring.

People are stupid that way.  We all get a ton of chances, every day.  Big and small, important and not.  Grabbing the brass ring originates from riding on a carousel.  And if I'm not mistaken, those things have a tendency to go 'round and 'round, again and again.  Sure, there may only be one brass ring for everyone to try to grab, but that's why you have to learn to bribe the carnie and punch the other people on the carousel in the back of the head. 

Opportunities don't come once in a lifetime, they come around like four or five times a day.  Sometimes while you're sleeping.  That's why men wake up with erections most mornings.    The opportunity fairy visits us and plays brass ring toss on our junk.  That's scientific fact.  I saw it on Nova.

Die and Let Die

When people speak of morality and faith and religion, much of the discussion floats around the topic of the value of life.  You hear it all the time - life is precious, we only get one trip on this zany flotilla, live for today, each moment may be your last.

I'm calling shenanigans. Life is great, I'll give you that.  Nothing like it.  It's the bee's vagina.  But the scales have swung the other way for me - I've officially met more people that are more useful to society as corpses than as thieves of my oxygen.

Sure nobody wants to die, regardless of the promise of most religions that much better things are waiting for us after we've humped our last johnnycake (old Midwestern expression).  But the fact is, most people you meet on a daily basis really are better off dead.  People take more pleasure in their misery than in their joy.  Take this column for example.  I could choose to love people, but my god is that ever a stinking mound of selfless bullshit.  Hate is the new love.

After a while, we all experience love, grape vodka, fireworks and really swell oral sex.  You would be hard-pressed to convince me that one needs to stick around much longer after taking all that in.  Hell, even Jesus, like Elvis, knew when to leave the building.

We are obsessed with the sick and the starving.  We are fixated on the elderly and the infirm.  Why don't we just let them go?  Is it too much an acknowledgment of our own mortality?  As my fictitious rotund black grandmother always used to say, "Baby, we all gon' die."

And the argument that "we only get one life and we should live it to the fullest" is just propaganda.  We only get one virginity, but most of us give that up in the back of an old Chevy.  Same thing.  You don't get one life, you get millions.  You get to share in the lives of others and they share in yours.  Also like virginity.

My point (as if I have one), is that the Earth is too full.  Let's let some people die already.  Just not me, because I totally have to see what happens on Lost.   

Mute

I have discovered that the primary reason that phones have a mute function is so that when someone says, "It's really a work in process" for the fourth time during a conference call, I can gently press the mute button and scream into the phone, "IT'S 'A WORK IN PROGRESS', YOU STUPID COCK WRANGLER!!"

Because holding in rage is bad. 

The Mute Button: Preventing Aneurysms Since 1974.

Judgment Day

I wish people would stop using the expression "And I'm a pretty good judge of character, so...".

Idiot.  You're not a good judge of character.  Sometimes you meet an asshole and you think, "Man, that dude's an asshole."  Great.  Your powers of perception are super keen.  The guy tried to put his dick in your mouth while you were yawning.  That's some kinda crazy deductive skill ya got there, chief.

If everyone is such a good judge of character, why are there so many marriages that end in divorce?  Why, that one time in college, did you tell Bethany Snigglehoff that she was an "old soul" and you couldn't imagine anyone as amazingly beautiful and kind?  And then three weeks later, you stood outside her apartment in the rain and screamed up to her bedroom window that she was "a filthy slut who doesn't know what love is and will die alone in a gutter if there is any goddamned justice in this unholy world."

Just stop.  You aren't any better at judging character than the next nutgobbler.  You just hang out with people who can stand the smell of you.  Be glad you have that.

It's Not Me, It's You

I've taken to encoding everyday conversations for my own personal amusement.  I think you'll find this to be a valuable tool for managing your daily stress. 

In today's example, I suggest that when someone asks you to help them solve a problem, but you know that, in fact, they mean DO THIS FOR ME, tell them that you'll be sure to rectify it for them. 

"Rectify", of course, being our new codeword for telling them to stick it up their rectum.

Go forth and rejoice in the power of hate.

READ THIS POST!

I think I know how people get dragged into loving things like Communism and Nazism and Cannibalism.  What?  They do.  Shut up and let me make my point.

Have you noticed the strangely subtle and overt manner in which all forms of advertising are now demanding that you comply?  I remember a bygone era wherein people who wanted your business would ask you nicely if you'd like to partake in their product offering and then you'd smile coyly and later you'd make love.  Mostly this applied to prostitution, but it could just as easily be toothpaste sales. 

Lately, however, in print, radio and television ads, there is a insistence that you ACT NOW! or COME ON DOWN! or DON'T GO AWAY!  They aren't asking, like good Christians.  They're adamant*.

This has become especially true on television, in the promotion of an upcoming show or, even more shamelessly, in the promotion of the current show.  You will hear the announcer constantly voice over your need to STAY TUNED! or STICK AROUND! or TUNE IN FOR THE NEXT...! or DON'T GO ANYWHERE!  WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 

Motherfucker, don't tell me what to do.

State Quarter Review: Iowa

Who's in charge of all of these state quarter designs?

I can almost guarantee I know what happens.

There are endless meetings that go into these decisions.  Mind numbing, argumentative, stupid, infinite meetings. And you just know that in every state, there's some 47-year-old, recently divorced loser who has to get his two cents in, just so he can awkwardly explain to his female high school intern that he came up with the idea.  My God, how he hopes this excites her so that she gives him that look that tells him that she lusts after him for being so virile and powerful. Later, he'll tell all his friends that it's the best twenty-five cents he ever spent and then he'll laugh until he starts to cough and cough and spit and choke.

God, how I hate him.

And so I must write a review disparaging every state quarter design.  It's the only way to defeat the assholes.

I'll start with my home state of Iowa.

You Don't Own Me

There appears to exist a belief that I am "whipped".  I'm not sure how these filthy lies get started, though I suspect it may be because I write about how I'm a gigantic pussy all the time. 

But that's strictly for comedic purposes only. 

Rest assured, I am all man.

220 pounds of unbridled sexy majesty.  And sometimes, when I'm in the mood, bridled. 

I've seen whipped, my friends, and it is not me.  For example, I heard the tale of a woman last week on the radio.  This woman stated that she demands that her man respect her.  To that end, she forces him to turn his head when beautiful women are on television.  You. Have. Got. To. Be. Shitting. Me.

Lest you think this woman is some isolated whack-job, no more than two minutes later another woman called in to say that she makes her man do the same thing.  Don't these two sound like an absolute treat to be around?  These men are praying death will take them quickly and soon.

By whose definition of beautiful does the man go by?  Does the wife hold up a green card for safe and a red card for danger?!  Fun life.

I am convinced that this is the exact kind of woman whose husband is deeply involved in S&M during his lunchhour with Mistress Veronica Von Kidneypunch.  Later, after the bitter divorce (wherein it is revealed that she enjoys using a strap-on during lovemaking), she will wonder aloud to friends, "Why?  Why did he cheat?  What did I ever do?"

Now, I am not condoning cheating in any way.  What I am condoning is that when your spouse tells you to turn your head from beautiful women, you calmly look at her and say, "You are out of your fucking mind.  Here's how the rest of this marriage is gonna go: I will look but not touch and you will not make ridiculous, asinine comments like that.  Also, you will make me sandwiches with lots of bacon without being prompted and I will give you ear popping oral sex.  Whoever cheats gives all money and possessions to the other person and goes to live under a railroad bridge.  So let it be written, so let it be done."

Just.  That.  Easy.