Witt and Wisdom

What's Missing In Most Movies, In Fact

Just got done watching the Netflixed Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Name That's So Long That You're Bored Before the Movie Even Starts, which, sidenote, left me underwhelmed.

The movie reviewer in me has the following critique:  This movie needed more swinging animal balls.

You watch and tell me that it wouldn't be improved by about 1000% with more balls.  And also a cat bath scene or two.

I hope Hollywood is reading.  It's not too late to sneak some balls onto the Transformers.

Mmmm…DVD…

I am a DVD lovin’ fool.  When I’m out shopping and I see a DVD that looks even remotely interesting (The North Grand Rapids Times-Picayune says, “Tyra Banks has never been more booty-tastic!”) I grab it and throw it in my collection.  Sometimes I don’t even bother to unwrap it.  It’s all about the having, ya see. 

This past weekend I was able to enjoy a couple of movies and extra features (DVD extras give me damp panties) that I think everyone should know about.  These are not particularly Earth-shatteringly timely reviews so jump down off my ass with your, “Dude, everyone knows that shit was off the hizzle fo’ shizzle.”  I hear ya Snoop.  I am lame; I have no defense.

First, on Friday night, I popped in a movie that has been sitting in my collection, unwatched, for about 2 months.  I had several people tell me last year that they loved this movie, but now I am able to put it in the proper perspective for many of you.  Specifically, this movie gives you a reason to not hate the French (granted, this is a very short list).

As I watched Amelie, I was captivated from the very beginning.  There are very few movies that I find charming, but I’ll be damned if them zany French didn’t go and make me fall in love all over again.  Or something like that.  It was the feel-good movie of last Friday night.  I stood up and cheered for love.  That one perky French chick (don’t make me go look shit up) gave the performance of a lifetime.  I laughed, I cried, I was mildly gassy.  An emotional roller coaster of delights.  My (insert favorite body part here) has never been so (insert emotive verb here).  Two suggestions: heart and moved or penis and engorged.  I give it 13 out of a possible 18 stars (it’s a very complicated ratings system – 13 is really good.  Fight Club got a 17.)

Next, yesterday, as I entered the supreme state of slothfulness that I like to call Nirvancolepsy, I decided to waddle over to the DVD player and pop in the Fellowship of the Ring Super-Fantasic-Orgasmatronic-Funkalicious four disc set.  Arrrrrrggghh.  Sweet mother of God, the extras on this are so great.  The time that Peter Jackson must’ve spent on producing this DVD alone make me feel all warm and loved.  If you have not watched all of the detailed information about the making of this movie, then you cannot possibly have an appreciation about its greatness.  I am leaning pretty far into the geek-zone here, so it’s probably best if I leave it at that and don’t say anything about how Hobbits are old-school cool.  And I want my own sword.

Oh, and I also watched Training Day on cable on Saturday night.  Denzel swore a lot and Ethan continued to demonstrate his inability to grow a plausible beard/goatee.  I shoulda waited to watch the DVD – I bet it would’ve been much better.

Brain Jacking

Get all of those things that you were hoping to accomplish in life done by the end of this week, because Kangaroo Jack was the #1 movie in the country over the weekend. 

Corinthians 4:23 states “And yea, whence the be-pouch-ed creature teams with Jerry O’Connell and both rise to the mountaintop with a stereotypically black sidekick, all of the heavens above shall open and the ignorant and ugly of the Earth shall be destroyed.”

Yeah, the Bible calls people ugly.  Who knew?  Anyway, I’m pretty sure this passage refers to you, so, ya know, go get a hooker or something.