Witt and Wisdom

Itching and Burning

The next time a God fearing person starts to tell you about how nature is some kind of amazingly delicate and fragile magical machine that could only have been created by a higher power, please ask him what the fuck is so magical about a pollen count so high that one begins to imagine how pleasant it would be to rub 200-grit sandpaper on his eyes for about a half an hour. 

A moderate pollen count is between 50 and 100.  Over 100 and many people begin to experience various allergy symptoms.  150-250 and the reaction can become severe in some people.

It's been in the 4,500 to 5,500 range here in Atlanta lately. 

I am seriously considering popping out my eyeballs and putting them in a nice cool glass of chocolate milk. 

The Lord God Part 2: Resurrection Day

When I was getting my Catholic brainwashing as a pink-cheeked youth, we had a period of intense study in our CCD classes right before our Confirmation.  During this time, we were trained to memorize the most basic tenets of Christianity so that if we were ever stopped by a cop or Jesus on the street, we'd be prepared.

One of the last steps in the process was to have a sit down meeting with a nun.  The main thing I knew about nuns is that they seemed very, very upset about something most of the time. Also, my dad would constantly tell me stories about how the nuns would beat his knuckles with a ruler when he was in Catholic school.  Angry knuckle haters.  I was intimidated.

In our meeting, the nun sternly and passionately explained how important Confirmation was to my eternal salvation.  I had to recite some prayers by memory, because what better way to turn a child on to religion than constant, long memorization!  She then reviewed the concepts that I had to believe if I was going to be a proper Christian.  I remember being very sweaty.

"So, do you have any questions?" she asked.

"Well, I...think so, yes," I stammered, certain that in asking a question I was assured of a special place in Hell.  Christians don't question!

"What would you like to know?" she asked in a calmly totalitarian manner.

"That last thing you said really confuses me," I began.

"Which thing is that?" she asked, somewhat taken aback that any religion based upon a guy coming back to life could possibly be confusing.

"That thing where you said that I need to fear the Lord," I nearly whispered, obviously in fear of the Lord.

"And what about that don't you understand?" she asked, again, completely perplexed.

See, I thought the question itself was pretty self-explanatory.

"Well, I thought I was supposed to love God and He loves me and He is Love and everything..." I started.

"He is Love; He does love you..." she interrupted.

"Okay, that's great.  I appreciate that, you know?  But then, like, why should I also be afraid of Him?" I asked.

"It's not fear like you think of fear.  It's a different kind of fear.  A healthy fear.  A respect for the Lord," she stated.

"A healthy fear?" I wasn't getting it.

"You need to do as the Lord commands because He's loving but He's also strict.  He wants you to do as He commands and follow His teachings.  You must respect Him.  There are consequences for straying from the correct way," she explained.

"Consequences, like going to Hell?" I guessed.

"There is that, but also, Earthly consequences," she continued.

"Like what?" I asked.

"The Lord punishes in many ways..." she stated.

"But that's what I don't understand.  I thought He was Love and he loved me and..." I whined.

"He is Love.  He does Love you," she stated again.

Baby, I love you.  I don't want to beat you, but sometimes you make me.  Why do you make me hit you, baby?

"I don't get it.  I don't think I should be afraid of someone who loves me," I challenged, expecting a ruler to the knuckles at any moment.

"Your parents love you, don't they?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied.

"And sometimes they have to punish you if you're bad, right?" she smiled, self-assuredly.

"They don't have to, but they do," I said.

"You must trust in the Lord; trust in his wisdom," she finished.

Whatever.  If you are literally MADE OF LOVE, then I shouldn't be afraid of you.  Ice cream is also made of love and I have never feared it.  I guess maybe if I was lactose intolerant, I might fear ice cream a little.  Maybe that's what the nun meant.  God hates the lactose intolerant.  That makes sense, I guess.

Probably Some Kind of Sign

I'm just now recovering from Saturday, when I drank for 11 straight hours and ended up asking the Virgin Mary to get me a rum and coke from the stripper at the bar while the Easter bunny danced to Kiss by Prince.

And also I saw the 60-something-year-old stripper in the Little Red Riding Hood costume again.  She didn't even remember me.  Could be because I was dressed like Santa Claus.  Could be the senility.

On the upside, I think Blondie might have remembered me, given the hold she put on my "candy cane".  Something tells me that I'm not her first. I would've put coal in her stocking, but let's just say there's not a lot of extra room in there.

I would get myself into a 12-step program, but that's SO many steps.  No way could I get through that.  Don't they make a two step program?  One where you can still drink?  No?

Okay, I'm inventing my own program then.

Step One: Shut up.
Step Two: Leave me alone.

Unintelligible Design

The Kansas Board of Education approved new public school science standards Tuesday that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.

Let me say this:  About damn time.

It has been apparent to me for some time that mankind is in fact regressing, not evolving.  Just look at the recent Kansas Board of Education ruling if you need proof of that. Oh wait. Bad example.

Ever since that Alanis Morissette song, I'm not 100% positive about the definition of ironic, but I think that it might be ironic that "intelligent design holds that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power" and that same higher power created people who are stupid enough to believe complete and utter bullshit like "the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power".

Let's set aside for a moment the whole debate about the intelligence of the design itself (for instance, what's with having women bleed from their happy place every month?  Nobody wants that.  Was no market research done?  Did anybody test drive a vagina before it was put into production?  Men get to eagerly shoot their seed into old socks when they see a high school cheerleading competition on ESPN2 at 2:00 am, but women have to cramp up and become annoying twats for a week and then ruin several perfectly good pairs of pants.  Nice design there, Captain Intelligence.)

The Blame Game

Gahd Al-Mytee today claimed responsibility for the terrorist hurricane attack on New Orleans. 

Stating, "Humans are overrated - I've always been more of a dolphin person", Al-Mytee sent a grainy video message to the people of Earth.  "I've been watching some DVDs that I purchased from late-night tv, and I just think the girls have gone too wild.  I was sitting there eating Chee-tos, thinking someone should do something about all this wildness. Then I thought, well shit, who better than me?  What's the fun of being all-powerful if you can't throw some wrath around every now and then?  I've got my eye on Vegas and Daytona Beach next.  Indianapolis after that.  They know why."

In the three hour message, Al-Mytee expressed His opinions on a variety of topics:

-  On the current world political climate, the Divine Creator said, "I'm kind of hoping that one of the smaller countries, say Fiji, rises up and takes over the whole world.  Man, nobody would see that coming.  I'm a big fan of the meek.  Big fan."

The Lord Your God: Horrible Engineer and Absentee Father*

In the day-to-day ruminations about your crappy existence, you may stumble across the meaning of life and not even know it.  You may bypass The Answer entirely, because it’s not the meaning of your life, but instead, cruelly, the meaning of life for 16 year-old Aimee Puckersnatch of Frigidtit, Wyoming.

And that‘s exactly why you’re never gonna make it in this world.  You’re doomed by lack of perception and hogtied by your faith in the unknown.

In my time away, I engaged in some very deep, soulful meditation.  In most cases, this involved gorging myself on ice cream until Jesus Christ himself would come to me in a vision and tell me that he invented frozen yogurt and never really got the credit he felt he deserved for it.  I called bullshit on him, of course, and then I usually ended up asking him if he could transubstantiate me up some ‘nilla wafers and...well, let’s just say things went downhill fast.  You’ve never heard a guy take his own name in vain so many times in your life.

However, one evening, as I wallowed in my own heft, I think I happened upon one of the inside puzzle pieces of life. 

Do You Think?

Do you think that it will serve you
To rage and scream and yell?
Do you think that it will calm you
When your voice has gone to hell?
Do you think that you can change things
As the world begins to seethe?
Do you think that anger saves you
After those that loved you leave?

Man, what the hell was that?  I just started typing and there it was.  Bizarre.  I know, I’m basically the worst poet ever.  Never been good at it.  I’ve always envied those that were.  Not to mention that this particular poem seems to be against rage and anger, which is absolutely not my philosophy.  I’m all for rage!  Love the rage!  Also, there seems to be some hint of a religious undertone there, which is nearly laughable.  I mean, I just made a joke about Jesus and Mother Teresa going to Vegas yesterday; religious, I am not. 

Wait.  Do you suppose that God is speaking through my pagan mouth in order to reach the masses?  NICE TRY, BUTTMUNCH!  WE AIN’T BUYIN’ WHAT YER SELLING OVER HERE!!  TAKE THAT SALVATION SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE!! YOU'LL NEVER GET ME TO SLFDJJLFJFF…sfljfsfsf…

God is great.  I am misguided.  Never listen to me agaiS

>>>

NOT SO FAST THERE GOD!! NOBODY INTERRUPTS THIS BLOG!!  YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GREAT JUST BECAUSE YOU ALLEGEDLY CREATED TREES AND THE SUN AND SHIT!  WELL, BIG FUCyrocdfyhs…

Also, my son, I created boobies.

…

The man makes a good point.  I still don’t believe in him, but I will take back the buttmunch comment.  BUT DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK, MOTHERFueresesesfdf…

Go in peace, my children.

DAMMIT!

Belief

The view back on 32 years has to involve a little personal philosophy.  Namely, I think it might be helpful for you to understand my take on religion and faith. 

Growing up, my whole family thought I might become a priest.  For some reason, I must’ve had that look about me.  A “sensitive boy”, I believe was the term that was often used.  I was young and they were naïve.  It didn’t take long for them to see how drastically wrong they were, however.  Now there is more of a consensus that I am hellspawn.    

I’ve always found most religions to be comprised of a series of arcane, endless constraints.  The thinking being, I suppose, that nature itself is governed by a set of laws and so should we all be.  And there may be some truth to that.  Certain things are inherently wrong or evil.  I will not go into a list of what those things might be, because I am not writing Bible II – God Goes Wild.  That said, I think that much of religion is dangerous; it is too often a weapon for justification of intolerable acts.