Witt and Wisdom

The Way Evolution SHOULD Be

This morning as I was blowing my nose, I became better than God, yet again.  I got to thinking that God didn't design our bodies with enough cool "extras".  We've got the wang and the vag, and they're great, don't get me wrong, but we don't have enough personal entertainment built into our bodies.

For instance, as I shocked myself from static electricity on a nearby lamp while reaching for another Kleenex, it occurred to me that it would be cool (and a fairly easy redesign) if you could build up static electricity in your sinuses from blowing your nose and then when you sneezed, you could shoot lightning out of your nose.  Oh man.  So sweet.

I'm also working on a similar redesign for the ass.  It's still in the prototype stage.

None Of The Above

I had an interesting conversation while taking a walk with my dad when I was home a couple of weeks ago.  It went something like this:

Me:  So you’ve lost about 50 pounds, then?
Dad:  Yeah, just eating right and walking everyday.
Me:  I’m really proud of you.  I was worried about your health at Christmas.
Dad:  The doctor pretty much told me to lose weight in no uncertain terms.
Me:  How’s your health otherwise?
Dad:  I feel good, except for…ya know, down there.
Me:  Um, what?
Dad:  Well, I had that hernia surgery, remember, and I’ve been sore down there ever since.  It hurts more now than it ever did with the hernia.
Me:  What’s the doctor saying?
Dad:  I went in and he can’t figure out what’s wrong.  It all looks perfect.
Me:   (Suppressing giggle)
Dad:  I mean, there shouldn’t be anything wrong.  He doesn’t know what to do.
Me:  That’s real encouraging.  What’s he gonna do about it?
Dad:  Well, he said I have three options…
Me:  Yeah?
Dad:  Number one, wait six more months and see if it feels better.
Me:  Uhhh huuuuuh…
Dad:  Number two, he says he can send me to see this specialist lady that can work to deaden the nerve endings to take away the pain.
Me:  Okay…
Dad:  Number three, he told me he could just go ahead and take the testicle.
Me:  Take it where?
Dad:  Yeah, I wasn’t too happy with that option either (dad executes one of his perfect mock double takes), “What was that last one, doc?”
Me:  What kind of quack is this guy?
Dad:  He’s a good guy; he did the surgery in the first place.
Me:  And it sounds like he may have botched that.
Dad:  Good point.
Me:  You need to get a second opinion.  I gotta tell ya dad, I’m not a fan of option one OR option three.  I mean, I’m not even a doctor and I could tell you to do nothing.  For free.  And I’m not following the logic of alleviating pain by cutting off a nut.  Jesus, what the hell?  The only reasonable option is the second one, wherein he’s telling you to go to a doctor who knows what the hell she’s talking about!!
Dad:  Maybe I should go see her…
Me:  Ya know what?  I don’t like that option either, come to think of it.  Basically, you are telling me that you are going to pay a woman to deaden the nerves in that area.  I don't want any doctor using the word "deaden" when discussing that area.  It just ain’t right.  If anything, you should see if she can intensify the nerve endings down there, for God’s sake.
Dad:  Now that’s a very good idea.
Me:  Maybe she can make it so you have an orgasm when you sneeze or something.
Dad:  I’ve got a lot to think about now.
Me:You’re damn right you do.

See, it’s all about helping family.  You people can learn a lot from me.

100 Things

I threw this together kinda quick, so I hope there's no duplicates:

100 (or so) Things About CW

1.  I'm sixteen years older than I think I am.  That puts me at about 32 years old.
2.  I cannot imagine a better marriage than my own.
3.  I do not currently have, nor do I ever foresee wanting, children.
4.  I don't think marriage is difficult.  It's not hard work and it's not a challenge.  This is not a popular opinion.
5.  I've always been funny.
6.  I'm a fairly decent writer.
7.  The preceding two points are my only discernable skills.
8.  I am a fan of material possessions.
9.  I am not a good test taker.  I always assume the questioner is trying to trick me.
10.  I was born and raised in Iowa.  There are implications to this.  Most good, surprisingly enough. 
11.  I've lived in Iowa, Georgia, Virginia, Maryland and Georgia again.  I don't imagine I'll leave here anytime soon.
12.  I like to take calculated risks.
13.  I've vacationed in France, England, Spain, Italy and Ireland.
14.  I've been to 41 of the 50 states.  I just counted.  It's more than I thought.
15.  Forrest Gump will make me cry pretty much every damned time.  When he says, "You died on a Saturday morning...".  Yeah, that part.
16.  Braveheart has Mel Gibson, disemboweling, a mace to the face and boobies.  It is the best movie ever made.
17.  Stupid people and inanimate objects cause me more stress and rage than anything else.
18.  God and I don't get along because He really believes in me and I really don't believe in Him.
19.  I have a U.S. Patent in my name.  I also have one pending.
20.  When I was 13, I rode a bike across Iowa.
21.  I'm not responsible enough for a dog, so I have a cat.
22.  I’ve only had two pets (both cats) in my whole life: Maggie, who passed away in 2001 and Moe, who terrorizes us to this day. 
23.  I intend to name all of my pets after Simpsons characters.
24.  I’ve been working since I was 15.
25.  I have hazel eyes.  When I am drunk and/or horny, they get greener.  This has served me well.
26.  I am a certified kickboxing aerobics instructor.
27.  I couldn’t fight my way out of a Kleenex box.
28.  I have an older brother and sister.   
29.  I lost my virginity at 17 in the back of my Chevy Cavalier to a girl I loved.
30.  I got drunk for the first time at sixteen on eight Coors Lights.
31.  I am in a fraternity.
32.  I enjoy a good game of poker with people that know what they’re doing.
33.  I know quite a bit about sports and enjoy talking about it, though I have no actual athletic talent.
34.  I enjoy music that can change my mood.  Other than that, I have no real musical preferences.
35.  I don't know how many women I’ve been with, but it’s more than 75 and less than 100.  I think.  I am a pig.
36.  I love television. 
37.  I am 25-30 pounds overweight.
38.  I take loyalty and trust very seriously.
39.  I don’t believe in giving second chances.
40.  I’ve been in 12 weddings.  I’ve been a best man three times.  I hope that says something good about me.
41.  I drive a Volkswagen because I totally buy into the ads.
42.  When I drink, I prefer vodka.
43.  I always wished I could sing or play guitar.
44.  I like my facial hair.
45.  I’ve been in love four times.
46.  My parents have been married for over 40 years.  I'm sure this has had a huge effect on every part of my personality.
47.  The best line in the history of recorded music is, “I’m looking California, but I’m feeling Minnesota.”
48.  I have good hair.
49.  I like to be physically clean.  It borders on OCD.
50.  I am messy in most other ways.
51.  I’ve held six professional jobs in the 10 years since college.  I change jobs when I get bored.
52.  I love everything about football.
53.  I think anything can be funny, but only if the timing is right.
54.  I get physically angry and violent with video games.
55.  I love Italian food and hate Dr. Atkins.
56.  The first book that made me want to write was a copy of Catcher In The Rye that I snuck out of the school library. 
57.  “Big Dumb Sex” by Soundgarden makes me happy every time I listen to it.
58.  I worked harder from ages 15 to 25 than I ever have since.
59.  I am under the misguided delusion that I will be famous someday.
60.  My middle name comes from a grandfather who died before I was born.
61.  I haven't had to deal with death very much.
62.  Reading makes me tired.
63.  I don't drink coffee.
64.  I can be somewhat militant in my anti-smoking stance.
65.  I've always been better with words than numbers, but in recent years I've found a beauty in math that I never recognized before.
66.  I can recite and/or recognize many lines from many movies and tv shows.  I am a Simpsons encyclopedia.
67.  I've never broken any bones.  For I am mighty!
68.  I like my tighty-whiteys!
69.  I have never been in a car accident.  Yeah...I'm an excellent driver...yeah.
70.  I think funny thoughts.
71.  If there is one phrase that I wish I had the guts to say more often, it would be, "Shut the fuck up!"
72.  I believe that certain drivers should be put to death for their actions.
73.  I love the sound and feel of rain. 
74.  It upsets me when children cry for insignificant reasons.
75.  I have no trouble understanding homosexuality.  I assume that they love their partners in the same way that I love my wife.  What's to understand?
76.  I sometimes have difficulty relating to other cultures.
77.  I've had some friends for 25+ years.  Friendship borders on a religion for me.
78.  I don't always make a good friend.
79.  I will look at a woman's ass no matter what.  It's a compulsion.
80.  The smell of baking makes me horny.
81.  Though I am quite talented at Literary Criticism, I am not particularly well-read.
82.  I am envious of talented poets.
83.  I believe that a good mattress is the key to a happy life.
84.  I enjoy all aspects of technology, though I was never formally trained in any aspect of it.
85.  I have a home theater in my basement.  It makes me happier than I can explain.
86.  I do not know when to stop eating.  If it's on my plate, it needs to be eaten. 
87.  I read Sports Illustrated, Rolling Stone, Atlanta Magazine and Maxim on a regular basis. 
88.  I check Consumer Reports before making any major purchase.
89.  Most of the time, I drink to get drunk.  I mean, who am I kidding?
90.  I believe in spending more money on something of quality one time, rather than spending less on something cheap several times.
91.  I love cherry chocolate chip ice cream. And almost every other kind of ice cream.  I also like saying cherry chocolate chip.
92.  I get cravings for salty snacks.  I will kill you where you stand for a bag of Doritos.
93.  I am a hugger.
94.  I believe that afternoon naps should be law.
95.  I would do anything that a friend or family member asked of me.
96.  I have the best brother in the history of brothers.
97.  I smile to myself a lot.  It makes people suspicious.
98.  I dream in color.
99.  I like to hold my breath under water.
100.  I used to deal blackjack at a bar.
101.  I am nearly blind without my glasses or contacts.
102.  I have two tattoos. 
103.  I am a happy person.

Walking Tall

There’s a new sheriff in town.  I’m the law ‘round here now.

Hell, more than that, I’m fixin’ to be Judge, Jury and Executioner.  I will also settle for “Sexicutioner”.  You may address me as Judge See Dub-You, Your Royal Sexiness, or simply God.  All are acceptable.  Failure to comply will result in a meaty swat to the back of your head.  With my Bat O’ Justice.

There are some new laws on the books under my reign.  The following will no longer be allowed:

DWO - Driving While Octogenarian.  At a certain point, you just don’t have the right to drive anymore.  The tests are gonna get a lot more complicated to get a license under my rule.  For instance, you will have to know the fucking difference between the fucking gas pedal and the fucking brake pedal. This law may also have some crossover with another of my new laws...

DWS.  Those found to be Driving While Stupid will get dragged from their cars (likely SUVs) and be beaten with a 19” 2001 Goodyear Steelbelted Radial.  Don’t ask me what qualifies as DWS, I’ll know ya when I see ya (hint: the “I Heart Soccer” bumper sticker ain’t a good start).

Childesity.  Parents that allow their kids to get obese will have the kids taken from them and the parents will then be beaten to death with a plate of Popeye’s Extra Spicy Chicken Wings.  There is no mentally and physically crueler thing to do to a child than to allow him to overeat and underexercise.  It is unconscionable.

80’s Hair.  If you have a haircut that anyone remembers Andrew Ridgely or Cyndi Lauper having, you will be shaved from head to toe and throw in a vat of salt water.

Emailicide.  If you are found to have completely murdered the English language in any email correspondence, you will be immediately seized and have copy of Merriam-Webster’s 11th Collegiate® Dictionary shoved straight up your ass.

Obviousfuscation.  If someone is sitting around and, say, reading a book and you come up to them and ask, “Hey!  Whatcha doin?”, you will be gathered up and thrown into the bottom of a Port-O-Potty during a Warp Tour concert. 

Eardrumming.  If you are playing music on your headphones so loud that I can smell the lead singer’s breath, you will be pulled aside and flogged about your ears and genitals with a Jethro Tull box set until such time as you bleed from the aforementioned areas.   

Now, new laws often meet with resistance.  Some of you will say, “Who the hell do you think you are?”

Well, I’ll tell ya.  I’m CW. 

I’m the law in these parts.

Do You Think?

Do you think that it will serve you
To rage and scream and yell?
Do you think that it will calm you
When your voice has gone to hell?
Do you think that you can change things
As the world begins to seethe?
Do you think that anger saves you
After those that loved you leave?

Man, what the hell was that?  I just started typing and there it was.  Bizarre.  I know, I’m basically the worst poet ever.  Never been good at it.  I’ve always envied those that were.  Not to mention that this particular poem seems to be against rage and anger, which is absolutely not my philosophy.  I’m all for rage!  Love the rage!  Also, there seems to be some hint of a religious undertone there, which is nearly laughable.  I mean, I just made a joke about Jesus and Mother Teresa going to Vegas yesterday; religious, I am not. 

Wait.  Do you suppose that God is speaking through my pagan mouth in order to reach the masses?  NICE TRY, BUTTMUNCH!  WE AIN’T BUYIN’ WHAT YER SELLING OVER HERE!!  TAKE THAT SALVATION SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE!! YOU'LL NEVER GET ME TO SLFDJJLFJFF…sfljfsfsf…

God is great.  I am misguided.  Never listen to me agaiS

>>>

NOT SO FAST THERE GOD!! NOBODY INTERRUPTS THIS BLOG!!  YOU THINK YOU’RE SO GREAT JUST BECAUSE YOU ALLEGEDLY CREATED TREES AND THE SUN AND SHIT!  WELL, BIG FUCyrocdfyhs…

Also, my son, I created boobies.

…

The man makes a good point.  I still don’t believe in him, but I will take back the buttmunch comment.  BUT DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK, MOTHERFueresesesfdf…

Go in peace, my children.

DAMMIT!

The Happy Place

This morning on the way into work, sitting in traffic once again, I was determined to maintain my good mood.  In the past, I’ve found that the best way to preserve a positive outlook is to retreat into a happy place in my mind, blocking out all external stress.

So I filled out a withdrawal slip from my memory bank and delved into my childhood for a calming influence.  One beautiful thought leapt immediately to the forefront.

Going Down

I had a professor in college that took great pleasure in challenging The Rules of Life.  He specialized in interpersonal communications and he taught me a lot about the quirkiness of my fellow man.  You know The Rules of Life; they are the set of guidelines that structure our lives and allow us to interact with one another without large bludgeoning instruments or extended screaming matches. Almost daily, he would come to class with another story about how he’d pissed someone off.  My kind of guy.

On our first day of class, he spoke of his first departmental meeting at our university, when all of the professors gathered in a large conference room to exchange ideas and discuss planning issues.   He intentionally showed up early and took a seat at the head of the table.  As everyone showed up, they all welcomed him and then quietly whispered that the seat he was in belonged to the department head.  He would look down at the chair each time and say, “Really?  Huh.  Well, it’s mine today.”  And he’d stay where he was.  The real joy came when the department head would show up and introduce himself and then stand there for a moment, genuinely perplexed.  Every meeting, my professor would come early and take someone else’s chair.  Pretty soon, everyone would start showing up early to make sure they got the chair they wanted.  The whole little experiment showed how territorial adults can be and how the smallest glitch in routine can throw things into miniature chaos.  He had turned an entire group of well-educated university professors into third graders.

The other experiment that has always stuck with me is his elevator etiquette.  Every time he was on an elevator, he would stand in the middle, facing the back.  If someone else was on the elevator, so much the better; he would stand about a foot away, facing them.  If you’ve never tried this, you really should.  You have no idea how much this freaks people out.  It is the most minuscule disobedience of The Rules of Life, but the effect is remarkable. 

The reason all of this pops into my mind is that the elevators in the building in which I am currently consulting are all highly polished chrome.  The interior is, literally, mirrors from top to bottom and on all four sides.  I’ve always been a little annoyed by this for several reasons. First, anywhere you look, you are forced to self-consciously look at yourself.  If you look straight down, you can sense everyone looking at you in the peripheral reflections.  If you look at anyone else, either through the reflection or directly, you feel like you just got caught flirting (not always a good thing, trust me) – you try to avert your eyes, but everywhere you look, you’re still staring.  It’s quite annoying.  So I started thinking about how childish my thinking is and I started to wonder what my professor would have done.  What I came up with was this: from now on, whenever I take the elevator, I am going to get very close to my own reflection and primp.  Slick down my eyebrows, blow myself kisses, adjust my nuts, run both hands along the sides of my head like Fonzi – whatever feels right. 

Ain’t no elevator gonna make me into a psycho.   

Sweet Nirvana

I am listening, right now, at this moment, to a song that remixes Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit with Destiny's Child Bootylicious. 

It. Is. Fabulous.

Dimensional Shift

Today in the car on the way into work, I simultaneously belched and sneezed.  It was quite a sensation, let me tell ya.  Orgasmic, but then not.  I am convinced that had I also farted at that exact instant, I would’ve been transported to another dimension altogether.  I believe that this dimension would’ve been filled with donuts and supermodels and they (the donuts and the supermodels) would’ve worshipped me as their God.  So goddamned close. 

But I didn’t walk away completely empty handed.  I came up with a cool name for the belch/sneeze combo: The Burpsplatter.  Feel free to use that at your next dinner party.   

Today is, of course, Tuesday.  That means it’s time for the Tuesday Test.  As you will remember, this is my little experiment in annoying people, wherein you must make a totally moronic statement to a friend, co-worker or complete stranger and report back to me on their reaction.  It’s fun for me and could get you severely beaten.  So, you see, there is no real downside.  And today’s statement iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis:

“I honestly don’t know how the United States can win a war against Iraq without France.”

Keep a straight face!  Go and spread the word of stupidity, my subjects!

Hotmail Haiku

Ho. ly.  Shit.  This is brilliant.  I defy you to tell me that this idea is anything but pure, unadulterated genius.  I will never, ever have an idea this good again.  This idea is completely copyrighted and I will not only send ravenous lawyers, but also rabid chihuahuas after you if you steal it.  Also, I will fork your lawn.  Don't test me. 

It.  Is.  My.  Precious.

I have invented the Hotmail Haiku.  Every week I will attempt to create Haikus based solely on the shit that lands in my Hotmail junk folder.  Suck my balls, Walt Whitman.

Here we go:

The Request
Girl on Girl
Get Hardcore Animal Porn
Cum To My Site Now

Career Change
This Is Your Dream Job
Look Good For Girls Night Out
See My Monster Cock

Facial
Power Shaver Free
Microdermabrasion Kit
Get Flawless Skin Fast

Happy Day
Real Teens Want You
Prescription Testosterone
Impotent No More

Great Deal
Hot, Horny Young Slut
Just In Time For Valentines
Available Now

Okay, just hand me my Pulitzer now, bitch.  I'm goin' to Disneyland!