Witt and Wisdom

Fight to The Death. No Seriously, It's Best Case.

We have nearly come to the end.  In a bit of genius television programming, CBS has scheduled the season finale of the Amazing Race to go up against the NFC championship game - a move that should get some executive fired by midnight tonight.  Brett Favre vs. Daddy is really no contest.  For one, Brett isn't a creepy prick.  There are other examples. 

However, I shall persevere. We lost our chance to see Jen and Nate lose on the very final leg of the race, as they were eliminated last week.  It was pointed out that there was a certain charm to seeing Jen get eliminated on her birthday, however.  Regardless, they are now dead, so we must move forward.

We're now forced to root for Team Daddy, Team Hippie and Team Greatest Generation.  It's like Sophie's Choice, but you kind of just hope all the kids die in the end. 

Here we go!

It's always nice to have a review of the full season to remind us how far we've come and how much crying and pissing and moaning we've endured.  Truly, we deserve a million dollars.  I will graciously accept the money on behalf of us all.

We're all rooting for the Hippies to win, right?  I mean, it's either them or Team GG, and frankly I cannot approve of giving someone that old half a million dollars.  He'll just blow it on Viagra and Bran.  Though nobody wants Team Daddy to win, let's not forget that CBS set up the whole redemption of Daddy so that when they DO win, we won't hate them as much.  Only we all still do hate them.

We start the last leg in Taipei, which, it has been pointed out, is technically part of China, but I think we all agree that it would be better as Japan II. 

The first leg will take them back to American soil in Anchorage, Alaska.  I think they just said it was their final destination city.  That can't be where the race ends is it?

It cracks me up that the Hippies went to the airline desk at the airport and asked, "Have you seen people like us here yet?"  Have we seen a skeleton and a pot dealer?  No.  IN WHAT WAY ARE THEY LIKE ANYONE?

Team Daddy is hiding in the China Airlines Executive club and they used internet to find out more info about their first destination. Everyone freaking out about where Team Daddy is, as they assume they may have gotten on an earlier plane.  The typical panic ensues.

All teams are on the same flight to Alaska, just to be fair, for once.  That has screwed at least one team in the past and that's no way to end a season.  All team should have a chance to actually race to the finish, rather than get hosed by some airline mess.

As teams prepare for the final leg in Alaska, Stretch from Team GG says, "I've seen Ron (Daddy) run and he's like a ninja."  I'm not sure what that means.  Fast?  Stealthy?  Can he run up trees?

After everyone arrives in AK, they discover they have to get to an outfitter store and then to a boat launch.  Wait, did they just say it's called Shit Creek Boat Launch?  OOOoooh - SHIP Creek.  Well, that's too bad.  That would've been the perfect end to the race to have everyone paddle up Shit Creek without any oars.

Team GG went to the Outfitters and DIDN'T TAKE THEIR OUTFITTER GEAR BAG.  IDIOTS!!  That will probably cost them the win.

First Challenge is: Cut the Cod or Grab the Crab.  AR producers, you clever rhyming bastards.

DISGUSTING!  You either have to cut through several eNORMous dead cod looking for a small clue in a little metal pill or sort through live crab in a livewell full of water.  Phil says the teams may find themselves in a pinch.  HA! 

Team Daddy looks like they're pretty far ahead of everyone else, but this task could REALLY equalize the teams.  WHOA!! They took the Cut the Cod task and found the clue right away!!  Well, crap, it looks like they're gonna run away with this race.  The other teams aren't even THERE yet.

Team GG is so totally screwed by not picking up the bag o' gear.  They're heading back to the store, and they're not happy with each other.  Each one is kinda blaming the other.  I hope that doesn't totally put them out of it, but I don't see how it can't.  WHAT AM I SAYING?  This is the Amazing Race, of COURSE they're not out of it.

Team Hippie is going for Grab the Crab.

Sissy from Team Daddy says, "We're a good team now.  We've come a long way."  Whatever, yo.  They are so setting them up to be the winners, I'm really getting pissed.  NOBODY CHANGES THEIR PERSONALITY BECAUSE OF A VACATION!!

Grabbing crab looks PAINFUL.  Lots of pinching going on. 

Team GG is back from getting their gear and Team Hippie is still at the Grab the Crab challenge.  Gramps has decided that he's gonna gut him some fish.  Apparently he's some kind of Master Gutter?  I don't know.

The Hippies were gonna switch from Crab to Cod, but Dirty Hippie found the right crab just in time.  And that leave Team GG at the Challenge alone.

Whoa, hold on, Gramps found the clue in the fish pretty fast.  They're still in last, but only about 3-4 minutes behind (their estimate).

According to the Hippies, Team Daddy is about 20 minutes ahead them.  There's no way they can make that time up, unless Team Daddy totally eats shit on the next challenge.

The next task is to ice climb a glacier.

Annnnd, the Hippies cab doesn't know where the next task is.  Ugh.  GO!!!

Team GG and the Hippies are neck and neck.  Team Daddy is at the Glacier already.

Skinny Hippie loves how much fun she has with Dirty Hippie.  Aww, come on, you have to love these two stoned kids, don't you?  I actually believe that they like each other. 

Daddy is afraid of heights, so isn't in love with the idea of climbing a glacier, even though it's over water.  I'm not a big fan of heights either, so I hear ya, dogg.

Daddy says that he's afraid of falling.  Well, sure, that's the thing about heights.  They're high.

Sissy is stuck at the bottom of the glacier.  She can't make it over the first hump.  And there's only one hump.  Of course, she yells out, "Daddy!" in exasperation.  Also, she looks ridiculous - her butt is all hanging out over the edge.  She finally makes it up because it "pulled her through to know that (her) Dad was going to receive her at the top."  Receive her?  What?  Creepy.

Team Hippie is getting to the Glacier just as Team Daddy gets done climbing.

Next is a helicopter ride to the next task.  I'm starting to get a little excited, honestly.  I am embarrassed by how much I like this show.

The Hippies made it up the glacier pretty quickly and now they're on the next helicopter.  They're busy making out in the helicopter.  Perverts.

Skeletor really wants to hump Dirty.  Apparently this last leg has made her REALLY horny, which I can fully respect.  Ya know, when you think of it, you pretty much have to stay with that person forever, because no future boyfriend or girlfriend can compete with "Oh, yeah, my last lover and I traveled around the world on national television.  But going to the Olive Garden tonight is almost the same thing."

Okay, next challenge!  Road Block - teams must organize items from all previous legs of the race in a certain order.  It's all very complex and I can't possibly explain it all.  It's starting to hurt my brain.  Bottom line, there's a million items, but only 10 exact ones fit the requirement order/configuration.  It. Be. Hard.  Surely this will equalize the playing field?  Maybe?  Am I hoping against hope that Team Daddy won't be first?

Only one member of the team can work on it, so Sissy is doing this task, because she's smart and Daddy can blame her if she screws up.  It's win-win.

The Hippies have caught up and Skeletor is doing it for Hippies.  I would've thought Dirty would've done it, because he could've communed with nature to divine the right answer or some shit.  Dirty says "she's really smart".  Okay, I'll believe that when I see it.

And now Team GG is there!  Nick (Stretch) is doing the task for them.

The good news is that it's anyone's game now! 

Wow, teams are getting really screwed at this task.  They're all basically tied, trying to figure it out.  They've all submitted answers that were wrong and once that happens, they're REALLY frustrated because there really only appears to be one way to answer the "puzzle".  Someone will Ah-Ha their way out of it.  My money is on Sissy, she's been the closest and she's not high.

WHOO-HOO!!!  SKELETOR GOT IT!!!  HOLY SHIT!!  GO TEAM HIPPIE!!!

Teams must now find the Captain Cook statue in Anchorage to get their next clue.

Sissy figured out the puzzle next, but she screamed out, "DADDY" as she left, thinking that she just cost them the race.  I feel bad for her.  He's supportive, but right now as they're watching this, I'll bet he's blaming her.

Teams next have to find the Salmon Hooker (HA!) statue in downtown Anchorage.  On foot.  GAH!!

Hippies appear to still be in first, but Team Daddy has the better cab.  They've both found the fish statue.  IT SAYS TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE!  THIS IS IT!!!  I forgot how intense these finales are!!   I'M IRRATIONALLY EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOW TO THE FINISH LINE!!  Hippies are in still in FIRST!!  GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WAIT, THERE'S TEAM DADDY!!!

I'm crapping my pants. 

C'MON HIPPIES!!!

Daddy says he learned how to become a better person.  WHATEVER!!!

RUN HIPPIES RUN!!!!!

FUCKING A!!!

10 cities, 4 continents, nearly 30,000 miles, TK and RACHEL, YOU ARE THE OFFICIAL WINNERS OF THE AMAZING RACE!!  WHOO-HOO, HIPPIES WIN!!!!! 

Goddamn, I love this show all over again.

Please God, Let It End Already

I now remember why I don't do these reviews every season of the AR.  A season appears to never end.

HOWEVER, we are getting close and one assumes a righteous God will strike down one or all of these competitors in a glorious blaze of justice.  Or maybe nothing quite that graphic, but at the very least, let us hope Daddy turns an ankle. 

Tonight promises to mercifully get us down to the final three teams, who will then race to the finish in next week's season finale.

Let's just jump right in...

The Hippies are WAY in last after last week's major debacle with their flight.  They aren't stressed, however and I think we all know why.  I speak, of course, of the Guatemalan Green Grass Mojumbo.  See, the great thing about pot is that you can make up completely plausible variations in seconds!  I mean, that's ONE of the great things about pot.

Though Nate and Jen wanted to be first, wanting doesn't always get you there.  I am having one of those spiritual moments when I look back on their race, where I think there just might be a God after all, for he maketh the truly annoying cunts to suffer (Corinthians 9:19).

We are reminded that this week will include a speed bump for Hippies.  That means they'll be even further behind at some point.  But, you know what?  This is the Amazing Race and they LOVE to let teams catch up or it's not much of a race.

Okay, we're off!

Sissy says Daddy is trying harder.  I don't buy it.  If you have to try SO HARD to stop being an asshole, then is it really going to work?  That's what they teach you at AA. 

This race day just happens to be Jen's birthday, which I'm sure means she expects to be treated like a princess and have her pubes braided by midgets or something.  She has informed us that now the race IS ON! They are not playing the "nice Jen and Nate" anymore.  Wait, they were playing the NICE Jen and Nate?  When was that exactly?

Teams are on their way to the first clue.  Ah, of course.  The teams arrive at the first clue to discover that the building doesn't open until 10:00 a.m., which will conveniently allow the Hippies to catch up.  I never buy this bullshit, because that's not the permanent sign for that building, it's put there by AR producers to change the outcome of the game.  Which I guess is okay, because I like Team Hippie.

Gramps is sad because he can't run as fast.  He should be eligible to be pushed in a wheelchair, that old bastard. 

Teams find out that they have to fly to Taipei. 

Sissy speaking Japanese sure is a nice perk.  Anyone else think it's more than a little unfair that they speak the language of the location of two of the final legs of the race?  I mean, c'mon, getting a cab alone has to take five minutes less when you can TELL THE DRIVER WHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

Nick and Gramps from Team GG are spunky.  Nick just said, "We've been playing the game like bitches so far and so has everyone else".  He's disgusted with the lackluster competition.  Yeah, so is the viewing audience, Nick.  If it wasn't for Jen and Nate, we all would've killed ourselves by now.

I don't honestly believe that Nate thinks Taiwan is home to Thai people and food.  That has to be a joke.  He may be an asshole, but he's not that stupid, I hope to Christ.

The Hippies continue to be slowed by the fact that the entire world is totally in slow motion right now, dude.

Jen's special day is off to a roaring start, as Nate says something about what a snatch she is and she replies, "I can't believe you're going to be this mean to me on my birthday, I didn't even do anything".  This is the problem with people that are chronic morons.  They don't HAVE to DO anything, because their mere existence justifies any animosity. 

Team Daddy is on the first flight to Taiwan, then Team GG and Nate and Jen are on a second flight.  Hippies are on a third flight, which can't bode well for their chances.  It's not that much later of a flight, however, so we'll see.

Well, there you have it, the Hippies caught up at immigration at the airport in Taipei.  Basically, all teams but Team Daddy are tied for second.

Jen is particularly upset with Team Hippie this week.  She doesn't feel that their existence, either in life or the race, is justified.  She says she "wants to rip the dreads out" of the head of the Hippie King.

According to Daddy, "trains in Japan run like German clockwork".  And German cars run like Japanese massage parlors. Always a happy ending.

Nate and Jen better be in the final three.  They are the only personality left on the show.  Granted, it's the personality of a wolverine with erectile dysfunction, but still.  Mean, sad and frustrated is better than nothing.

The first road block is insane and I'm not even going to explain it, because if you're not watching by now, that's your OWN DAMN FAULT.  But take my word for it, it was awesome.  It involved people almost pooping their pants in fear.

Team GG seems to hate the Hippies too.  They want to shave some hippie beard.

Daddy looked terrified on the car roadblock thingie there.  It's always amusing to see people in genuine terror.

Oh Christ.  The Amazing Race is officially trying to turn The Redemption of Daddy into the story of the season.  This only points to the fact that they will probably win the whole thing, because then they can say, Wow, this team really overcame its problems and deserved to win.  WELL FUCK OFF!  I'm not buying it.  He's an asshole and that won't change.  Don't insult my intelligence AR, I've got a tenuous enough hold on reality as it is.  Plus, his t-shirts are unforgivable.

Jen got caught on camera picking her butt, for those of you paying attention.

Nate laughs like a dorkwad.  A cross between Horseshack and a dying llama.

The aforementioned Speed Bump challenge for Team Hippie involves fireworks madness.  Again, not gonna explain.  There are fireworks and there is madness.  You play with the visual in your mind.

Gramps, during the car Road Block, "I hope the fuckin' brakes work in this thing".  That's pretty much exactly what I would've been screaming.

Is it just me, or is EVERYONE pronouncing Taipei wrong?  Have I been wrong all my life?  It is Tie Pay, isn't it?  Not Tap Eye?  Fucking world with its different cultures and languages.

Jen tried begging from the bottom of her heart.  As if she has a heart.

Team GG, Team Hippie and Nate and Jen are all on the same train to the next task and Jen is stressing.

Jen, "I just don't understand why we're working so hard.  TK and Rachael (Team Hippie) are just slacking off".  Ah, but you forget that they aren't total cuntballs.

Looks like a foregone conclusion that Team Daddy are gonna be in first.

Jen is still stressed as they get off the train, "This is the most intense part of the race, right here".  One of these three teams will be eliminated like a bad Mexican burrito.

Nate is, as always, sympathetic, "We don't want to go out on Jenny's birthday".  Oh, it's Jenny now?

How is it fair that Sissy can read Japanese when the task involves learning to read Japanese?  Anyone?

Time for the Detour - Fire or Earth.

Fire is lighting Japanese Sky Lanterns (20).  Lame-O.

Earth - Teams must walk down a 220 foot path made of protruding stones, barefoot, and then return on the same path.  The stones look a little painful to walk on, hence the challenge.

Team Daddy completes the Earth challenge, no problem.  They are rock solid at #1.

Team Hippie is doing the Earth challenge next, though well behind Team Daddy.

Jen continues to stress out.

Japanese people do add a nice comic touch to the English language.  Find a cow?  A clown?  A crow? 

Sissy is beaming as the arrive at the Pit Stop in first.  She can't believe how close her and her Daddy are now.  WHATEVER!!!  I'm now  actively rooting against them.  It's not a coincidence that they're getting along better the last two weeks - THEY'VE BEEN IN FIRST THE LAST TWO WEEKS!!  What's to fight about??!?

Nate and Jen were told by a local to take the subway to the next challenge.  They're the only team doing that, so it could definitely be a mistake as all remaining teams are pretty much tied.  Neither is confident in the subway decision.

Jen, to Nate, "You need to step up and make the decisions.  You're the man."

Nate, "Honestly Jen, I can't stand you.  All you do is freak out.  You're a fucking trip.  You're the one who got us into this mess!"  By which he means, the race, the relationship and the subway decision.  "I can't believe you.  You're such a poor teammate."

Jen, now with the guilt trip, "Thanks for ruining my birthday.  All I asked was for you to be nice to me today."

"I don't think that's possible."

Can I tell you how delicious this argument is?  This is what all reality TV should be - the honest hatred that exists within a relationship, exposed.  Also, he should've called her a slut, just for the hell of it.

The Dirty Hippie is doing well on the Earth walking challenge - "The faster you go, the less it hurts."  Just like sex.

Back to Nate and Jen arguing in the middle of the street in downtown Tapeye, Jen says, "We need to stay positive right now."  Yeah, she's the expert on THAT.

Nate is having trouble on the stone path.  Jen says, ""You can do it, just be light on your toes."  As a 250 pound man, I can tell you that "being light on your toes" is much easier in theory than practice.

Oh shit, it comes down to this - teams are having a tough time getting a taxi again. 

Team Hippie in second!

Skeleton Hippie; "Anybody who says we haven't been trying - we've been trying out best the whole time".

Team GG in third!

"Nate and Jen, I'm sorry to tell you you're the last team to arrive".

Jen and Nate are elimiNated!  Nated. Get it?

Just as Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, Nate shouts, "Awwwww,  Fuuuuuuuuu...dge".

And now the moment we never saw coming, Jen says, "I think we killed our relationship on the race."  What?  No shit?  That's crazy talk.

Nate's crying like a little bitch.  Jen hugs him...aaaannnnnd scene.

SEASON FINALE NEXT WEEK!! TUNE IN FOR THE MADNESS.

We Sure Are Cute for Two Ugly People

Dude, I know.  Two weeks of no Amazing Race coverage is like the goddamned End Times.  I shall gently place my balls on a gilded silver platter for thou to suck.  It was the holidays, CBS can't show a television show at the time slot in which it's scheduled, I'm like 103 pounds overweight and I don't shave anymore.  So, PERSPECTIVE, bitches.

Here's what you need to know: Two weeks ago, on Christmas Eve Eve, nobody was eliminated because of Jesus's birthday or some shit, I don't know.  The episode was lame and I likely wouldn't have written about it even if I wasn't five fists deep in Puppy Chow.  People missed planes and then caught up and then everyone sighed a big heavy WHEW!  So, you know, VASTLY different from every other goddamned week.

Last week, I didn't even watch at all because, hell, I was too drunk to even know the day, let alone the time, and that's why God invented TiVo for shows that RUN ON TIME (fuck CBS in the ear).  From the written recap on CBS.com (which doesn't even have past episodes of AR online, but sure as fuck can post David fucking Caruso squinting his way through another hot Miami bloodbath), I have determined that the Goths fucked up big time and got themselves eliminated.  I know the Goths were the favorites of several of you, but let's face it, the prize money would've only gone to a mound of crystal meth and Cure remixes.  That's no good for anyone.

So here we are with four teams left.  I think there's one more non-elimination leg left, which I assume will be tonight, before the teams go to final three.  Let us all say a little prayer right now (DO IT!) that Nathan and Jen make the final three and then are beaten at the very last second for first place in the finale, so that we can witness a murder/suicide on reality television.  Jesus answers only the most obscure prayers.

I see we're starting this leg in Mumbai, which used to be Constantinople, but that's nobody's business but the Turks.  Or something.  The point is, I'm suspicious that I've missed the requisite complaining from the teams about how bad it smells and how there's cows buying Prada bags in the streets.  Someone feel free to update me if I missed out last week.  In terms of cleanliness, Mumbai is truly the Bombay of India.

It appears that the Hippies have stumbled their way into first, which is good news considering that I would rather lose my wee-wee-wee toe than see any of the other teams win. 

The racers must begin this leg by making their way to Osaka to me, Japan.  Heads up, I will continue to not be able to pronounce names of any locations in that country either.  If there's one thing the Amazing Race has taught us, it's that most countries don't have the common courtesy to name their cities and roads after American Presidents.  Shameful.

Just as a brief update on the state of mind of Team Hippie:  Anorexic Hippy loves her hairy boyfriend.  And for his part, he loves being able to identify what she had for lunch just based on the outline of her stomach.  Most of the time it's a children's aspirin. 

We've been informed that racers have received $414 for this leg of the race.  No idea why; we all know it's inconsequential.

Gramps from Team Greatest Generation is having tough time keeping up with his young whippersnapper of a grandson.  I guess I kind of like this team too.   I'm suspicious that Gramps is mildly racist, but hey, everyone knows once you turn 60 you're allowed to hate people based on color of skin, religion and length and fit of ones pants.  It's what makes being old worthwhile.  That and the sponge baths.

Gramps is excited about Japan.  He says when he was in the service he wanted to go there.  To kill people, one assumes?  Let's hope someone has told him the war is over or this leg could get dicey.  Wait, I've done the math here and he wasn't even 10 during WWII, so maybe he's not looking to go after the Emperor or whatever they did in the Great War.

On Team Daddy, the dysfunction continues.  Luckily, for this leg of the race we learn that Sissy has spent time in Japan learning Japanese.  Let's hope that prevents Daddy from striking her for being stupid.  Although I'm SURE everything will be alright now, because Daddy has admitted that he is wrong in the way he treats her.  He doesn't want to beat her, but sometimes she just provokes him, is what I'm hearing.  Please forgive him.

Ugh, Nate and Jen kissed to begin this leg.  Jen says their biggest obstacle to overcome is DO what they SAY they're going to do.  And, obviously, not murder one another in their sleep.  They're shiny-happy all of the sudden and it makes me want to punch them even more.

Great!  In order to get airline tickets, the teams have to deal with Indian customer support IN INDIA, and face to face appears to be better than any of the phone support I ever get.  I'm pretty sure that phone accent is fake. 

For some reason, a four star general delivered the airline tickets to Team Hippie.  Was the guy auditioning for a Michael Jackson video or what? If you saw the episode, you know what I mean.  What the hell?  When Casual Friday comes to that country, the shit will hit the fan, yo.

Daddy is arguing with the agent and Sissy, differentiating between direct and non-stop.  I'm sure this is a critical point, and I'm sure I don't know why.  Direct and non-stop are the same, as far as I know.  Maybe the shit is different in India.  She scolds him in a different language, which is just funnier.  I see that whole resolution to be a better Daddy lasted all of about 5 milliseconds.

When the Hippies get to the airline counter, they ask, "Has there been anyone like us here yet?".  Uh, NO, there are no other skeletons or white Rastafarians popping about.   

Jesus, STILL with the Who's Your Daddy shirts?  PLEASE STOP. 

Now Daddy says, "I would like to be a father than could change overnight, but BLAH BLAH BLAH, this race is a tense situation."  Yes, we all know it is a long and difficult road back from being an asshole. 

That Mumbai to Osaka flight doesn't look like it's too much fun.  What is that, about 800 hours?

Hippies are on a totally different flight than everyone else, leaving first, stopping 3 times.  They appear to be worried. Could be way out in front, could be dead last.

Okay, well, it's immediately obvious that they are screwed.  All other teams come in on the flight ahead of them.  I don't know what the hell happened that made them think they were on a better flight that made THREE DAMN STOPS.

This episode is very Team Greatest Generation focused.  Gramps says, "Nick is quite strong, he carries my bag, he's like a bitch for me".  Which is so true and also quite funny.  So maybe Gramps can be a racist and a misogynist.  Good for him.

Nate and Jen are first from the airport.

I have a feeling that being able to speak Japanese may help JUST A TAD during this leg.  Expect big things from Team Daddy.

Gramps thinks Japan is a clean and wonderful country.  He's right, it looks pretty amazing.

Nobody knows where the Hippies are, but Daddy's gut feel is that the Hippies are behind them.  And he's got a hernia, so I guess we should trust his gut? 

Gramps says, "Anything is possible on the race!", to which Nick says, "Man, that's so cliche".  Someone had to say it.

Teams must find a train station cleaning man.  THAT'S exciting AR.  Jesus, this show really starts to lag in the later episodes.  Let's hope there is a runaway bus SOMEWHERE in Osaka.

Gramps is worried about Sissy, because she speaks Japanese (he assumes) and she's from "some big falutin' college".  It's Princeton and yes, their motto is "We're Pret' Damn High Falutin', Ya'll.  Come On Down and Study a Spell!"

Thing that you did not know before tonight:  Japanese cabs have crazy fancy side view mirrors.

Why the hell are Jen and Nate so happy all of the sudden?  What kind of Indian Poppies did the Hippies share with them?

The first task - Become a Japanese taxi driver. 

Man, being a Japanese cabbie is like being royalty or some shit.  The career hierarchy in the Japanese class system: Cab Driver, Karaoke Singer, Doctor, Hello Kitty Collector, General Businessman.  Make a note.

Jen has to take time out to see how hot she is in the taxi cab hat they're making her wear.  Oddly, the mirror does not show her reflection.

Daddy continues to be supportive, as his daughter is doing the taxi driving task: "Christina is not very good at driving, she doesn't have a very good sense of direction."  Oh well, you know women.

This task will suck.  They can't take a local with them for directions and Japan is strangely a mass of one way streets.  Let's hope they mean one way in different directions and not all in the SAME direction, because that would make things considerably more difficult.

Sissy says that she only uses public transport.  She not doing a ton for the reputation of Asian female drivers, who are normally impeccable drivers.  (cough)

Jen is bummed because everything in Japan is in Japanese.  The NERVE of them.

After much hassle, Jen completes the task and is moving on to a 16th century Buddhist temple.

Jen is excellent at communicating to their new cab driver, who does not speak a lick of English, "We are in a - LOOK AT ME!!! (pointing to her eyes) - we are in a RACE!"  As she's saying this, she's swinging her arms like Jesse Owens in the '36 Olympics. 

Nick is lost and mixed up.  It's easier to land a plane than it is to drive in Osaka, according to him.  But could he drive a plane in Osaka?  That is not known.  He's stuck dead in the middle of traffic, causing a jam.  Do the Japanese swear and wish you a horrible, painful death when you screw up traffic or is that a wonderfully American trait?  Or is that a wonderful ME trait?

All teams have about finished the first task just as the hippies arrive in Osaka.  If this isn't a non-elimination leg, the Hippies are totally screwed here.

Nate cannot listen to Jen and WATCH someone drive at the same time.  He's got the brain of a squirrel.  You can really see the hatred in her eyes for him there, like she's thinking, "I wonder what the laws are for pushing someone out of a moving cab in Japan?"

Daddy and Sissy's cab driver is about 29 seconds from dying, just to make things interesting.  He's wheezing like an old Asian cabbie.  Oh, THAT'S where that expression comes from!

Next stop - Sense of Touch verses Sense of Smell.  Teams can either try to control robots to score a soccer goal by cell phone or search for one real flower among about a billion fake flowers just on smell alone.  It is as dumb as it sounds and I'm really starting to hate this leg of the race.

Jen says that she "frickin' has the nose of bloodhound", so they will smell their way through some flowers.  She can smell Nate cheating just by sniffing his two week old underwear, so she's hoping the skill translates. 

Team Daddy is going for Smell too.  Team GG is going for Robots.

Gramps says, "Son of a bitch!  I'm not very good at this because I don't do video games."  Except for the whole part where this is robots and cell phones, he's got a good point.

As they are smelling their way along, Nate yells at Jen, "Would you just be quiet and smell?  All I hear you doing is talking!"  He wants to hear more smelling, I guess?  Fucking squirrel brain. 

Gramps and Nick have to score a robotic goal a piece.  Don't make me explain, I'm very tired.

Nate and Jen are in first.  They found the flower because of her bloodhoundedness.  She is a bitch, after all.

Daddy tells Sissy to SHUT UP! after she whispers that she found the flower.  He's really pushing hard for Father of The Year.

Though Jen and Nate were first, Sissy and Daddy find a taxi to the pit stop first.  Jen is not happy. FINALLY.  It's just not worth watching if she's going to be in a good mood.

Jen keeps doing that damn arm flailing motion thing to indicate they're in a race.  I don't think that's a universal symbol. 

As they find a cab, Nate pushes Jen into the back seat so they can get going:

"I cannot believe you just friggin' pushed me!"

"I DIDN'T PUSH YOU."

"That could cost us."

"NO, IT COULDN'T! Just be positive!"

Ah, young love in Japan.  Such a beautiful sight.

Sissy and daddy are first to the Pit Stop because they got a cab.  And they won electric vehicles, which are not described in any way, shape or form which I guess means that some kind of sponsorship fell through or something?  I don't know. Sissy says that Daddy didn't lose his temper once this leg, NOT ONCE.  Except when he did.  How soon they forget the direct vs. non-stop arguments of yore.

Nate and Jen are #2.  According to Jen, IT IS ON.  Before it was not on.  Now, ON. 

Nate (with tremendous confidence):  "The best team is going to finish last, and that's going to be Jen and I.   Uh, I mean, finish the last leg first."  Jen looks at him like he's fucking mentally retarded.

Nick and Gramps are in third.

Jesus, Gramps will be 69 in a few weeks.  Good for that old fucker.

So the Hippies are WAAAAYY behind everyone, in last.  Of course, the Dirty Hippie says, "I'm not going to allow myself to freak out about anything..." 

And of course, none of it matters because it turns out that this is the last non-elimination leg, as I said.  The Hippies are in last place, three hours behind all other teams, plus they have a "speed bump" which is an extra task in the next leg.  Probably won't make a damn bit of difference.

So, next week it's four teams racing to determine who will be in the final push for the Grand Finale. They better step the shit up with an ox or something next week, or I'm gonna be pissed.

Sometimes Love Isn't Enough. But Hate Always Is.

We've all been there, haven't we?  The first heated flush of love rushing through our bodies, shooting thoughts and desires to every tip of our being?  You never want the feeling to fade.  It's breathtaking, like a sunset made entirely of kittens.

Then one day you realize that this amazingly perfect person is a whining whore and/or a moronic dickface.  It's a bit of a downer, yes, but let's face it, inevitable.  Because, god love us, we're all a pain in the ass to be around. 

The real trick to ensuring that this realization doesn't put you into years of therapy or bunny strangulation is to attempt to make the break-up amicable.  In other words, you have to force yourself to say to the other person, "Hello person with whom I've swapped bodily fluids.  I honor our time together, but I must now take my leave of you, for you have bovine excrement for brains."

I mean, that's one way to go.  Or you can tell the person that you hate them with a passion on a five-time Emmy award winning television show, while pretending to paddle a tiny little boat in a huge sea on the other side of the world as several million people laugh at your pain.

And that's the promise of this week, as Jen from Team 273.5a looks to be reaching the pinnacle of her hatred for her boyfriend, Nate.  It's a hatred that appears to have been building roughly since the moment he put his dong in some other girl's ding.  Though to be fair to Jen, I'm pretty sure she's always been an annoying gash, so let's not sell that hatred short.

The two annoying blondes from Team Cumdumpster are gone after getting eliminated last week, but don't cry for them.  They're probably happy to be back at their days jobs, banging their molars with flesh mambas. 

This week begins in Vilnius at some really old windmill.  Probably because the last leg totally blew.  See what I did there?

"Will Nate be able to change his behavior under stress?"  On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to guess, NO.  Do ANY of us EVER change our behavior under stress?  Here's a little clue to several of you feisty gals out there: If your male life-companion at some point punches the fridge because SOMEONE forgot to get fucking HAM today, then chances are good that he's not real good under stress and probably won't be changing any time in the next 60-80 years.  You may want to look into alternate forms of dick.   

The Hippies won last week and received a trip to Japan, where the Dirty Hippie says he's been wanting to go for 4 years.  My guess is that he wants to train with ninjas and shit.  Pot smoking ninjas.  Pot smoking ninjas that are into Floyd.  Totally, dude.  Totally.

The first stop in this leg of the race is Croatia!  It's my personal favorite country that sounds like an erectile dysfunction medication.   "Try Croatia, it's got the power to keep you up all night, but your girlfriend won't mind!" (wink at camera).

They have to head to the Fort of St. Lawrence in Dubrovnik, Croatia.  I've heard that there's a TON of Larrys in Croatia, so this makes perfect sense.   Patron saint of inappropriate scratching, St. Larry, if I remember my bible history correctly.

The Dirty Hippie reiterates their strategy as, "We're just trying to be cool and stay into keeping a mellow head", to which his skeletonous female hippie companion replies, "That's healthy and good for our state of mind."  Bro.  Brooooooo.  Righteous.

Kuunt from Team Goth is all rambunctious.  Says he wants the honor of hearing Phil say that they are team #1.  First things first, skippy.  How 'bout you just don't finish last, mkay?

Once again, Daddy from Team Daddy is criticizing Sissy.  Please reference my earlier thoughts on trying to get a man to change his behavior under stress.  Daddy is an asshole, always has been, always will be. 

At the airport ticket counter, Daddy is very nice to the agent, trying to get information from her. Sissy whispers to him, "See how nice you are to her?  You should be that nice to me."  So now Sissy is jealous of a European ticketing agent.  Healthy. 

The Hippies are kinda trying to work with the Goths because they feel comfortable with each other's unique personality quirks.  By which I mean that freak shows work better when you have both The Bearded Lady and The Woman Who Never Eats.  Puts butts in the seats, that show.

Is it racist that I can't see myself feeling comfortable on either Czech Airlines nor Polish Air?  I bet they have fun in the cockpit of Czech Airlines though:

"Flaps?"

"Czech!"

"Electrical?"

"Czech!"

"Hydraulics?"

"Czech!"

I heard that Polish Air doesn't let people recline their seats because the pilot wonders where everyone is going.

Jen from Team 273.5a is excited for Croatia.  However, she says that she "looks back with regrets because they've fought so much."  As far as them being together in the end, "the rest of the race will determine whether or not that happens."  I, for one, don't need to wait quite that long.  It's like sitting on a life raft of the Titanic and saying, "I'll bet that shuffleboard gets canceled tomorrow, but let's wait and see."

Beaker F says she used to have a roommate who spoke Croatian, so she knows how to say some things, like, "there's a party in my pants."  Her brother says, "hopefully we can get a few dollars with that."  I would personally attend that party, if invited.

There is a ton of airport drama again, as we await the results of the ever-exciting ticket purchasing process.  Most teams are in line, waiting for one of the airlines to open for business.  Vyxsin asks Kuunt, "Why is everyone in line?", to which he replies, "because they're sheep."  He's such a poseur, it's embarrassing.  He probably wants to slap himself, because he embodies so much of what he hates.  That is the eternal paradox of The Goth.  It's a hard-knock life, I'll tell you what.

UGH!  I'm so sick of airport drama.  I know it's tense and everything, but it's getting old. 

As part of the drama, Daddy and Kuunt get into a little hissy fit with each other, but I really don't have the energy to describe people getting upset about airlines.  People are getting into lines, and leaving lines, blah-blah-blah.  Everyone wants to get SOME flight, ANY flight to Croatia.  People start to lose their heads a little when they're not sure if they can get a flight out, because you don't want to lose The Amazing Race at an airport.  It's one of the many reason why I couldn't be in The AR, because I'm the guy that gets pissed about the ham.

Ah, the Hippies stuck to the plan, man.  Don't get out of line, that's what The Man WANTS you to do.

Beaker M is about to get physical with his sister, Beaker F.  "Don't give me the attitude, okay?  Do you understand that?" as he lays an arm across her shoulder, whispering.  It cracks me up that these people forget all about the friggin' MICROPHONES THEY ARE WEARING!  This was actually a really creepy and ominous exchange.  Dude's got anger issues.  Also, he's a serious asshole.

Okay, so the teams aren't allowed to book business class tickets, only economy.  However, in some kind of mix-up, the Beakers got business class.  By the time they tried to get the tickets exchanged, the flight was booked and gone.  This would normally cost them the race, but it's probably a non-elimination leg.  Of course, I ALWAYS think that.

Okay, there's even MORE airport drama - half the episode - but I'm not getting into it.  Feel free to fill in details in the comments if you're so inclined.

Long story short, there were four flights total that would eventually get into Croatia.  Nate and Jen are in first. 

Croatia is getting some awesome tourism advertising here, what a beautiful place. "We have never seen a view like this," says Jen, who has seen most of Southern California, so she knows of what she speaks.

Road Block - Racers must help out with rebuilding Dubrovnik walls damaged by war, which basically consists of finding a rock that matches a hole in a wall.

Daddy and Sissy are first to the task. Daddy says, "This is harder than I think it is."  Yeah, it really looks like it's..wait, what?

Next up, teams take a tandem zip line from the top of the Fort to the next clue.  Daddy says, "Are you sure this is safe?  I just ate - I might just throw up my lunch."  It looks like an amazing experience, but man, it would give me poopy pants.

Detour - Short and Long or Long and Short.  Teams can either repel a stone wall and then climb a rope ladder up another stone wall (Croatians invented stone walls, apparently) and then have to find their way through town OR do another tandem zip line to water and then row fishing boats to the next clue.  The rowboats are a harder physical task but shorter distance.  Did Phil just say it requires physical prowESS?  Phil, why are you pronouncing it like that?  Hell, if Phil said it that way, it's probably right. 

Jen is still back yelling to Nate about trying to place stone blocks in the wall, "Just fit it in every hole, okay?  It's just like Tetris!"  This is not the first time she's screamed this to Nate.

Nate and Jen are doing boats, we know THAT.  They're also excited about the zip line.

Daddy and Sissy do the boats too, but they sure as HELL don't know how to row.  It's like watching chimps on a typewriter there. Jesus.

Back to Nate and Jen.  Keep in mind that they are both armed with wooden oars, so things could reach a deliciously painful level.

Nate: "I have no idea how to row a boat.  Can I just try to figure this out without you YAPPING IN MY EAR every second??"

Jen:  "You're the meanest person I've ever met sometimes. You're not even trying!" 

Nate: "I am trying!!!"

Jen: "If you could just be a gentleman and say, 'HEY, could you just do it this way, Jennifer?'"

Nate: "HEY, how about you just paddle and we stop discussing this?!?"

Jen (yelling):  "Why aren't you paddling?"

Nate (yelling):  "Because every time I paddle, we go..."

Jen:  "Why are you yelling at me??"

Nate:  "We have to go out and around, we can't just go into the ROCKS!"

Jen:  "I hate you.  I hate you.  I'm never going to be with you ever again.  I hate you with a passion."

Just to be clear - Jen is no longer the president of Nate's fan club.  In fact, she burned down the clubhouse.  The clubhouse in Crazytown.

As Nate tries to get out of the boat, once they make it to shore, he nearly tips it over with Jen in it.  To which she says, "Very graceful, Nate."  She's supportive, in a passively aggressive bitch way.

Kuunt just called Vyxsin his "little pink kitten" and I vomited and missed about five minutes of whatever was happening. 

Everyone has to make it to the Stone Cross at the top of city, which is the check-in for this leg of the race. 

Of course, Kuunt has a tougher time with the wall than Vyxsin.  She cheers him on, "You're like a little goth action hero!"  Yeah, he is.  All smooth in the front, just like a G.I. Joe action figure.

Nate and Jen are actually in first after all of that, but a taxi won't take them to the top of the hill because they're wet.  The irony, of course, is that this is the first time Jen has been wet in her life. Daddy and Sissy get THE SAME taxi, even though they're wet too.  This displeases Jen.  To the point where she has HER Amazing Race Defining Moment as her brain pops and slithers out her ear.

Nate:  "Jen it's okay, we just need to find a taxi.  It's okay."

Jen:  "No, it's not okay, our relationship sucks! I'm so miserable." 

And then she has the tell-tale guttural scream and starts crying and wailing.  It's the complete regression into madness that we've come to love from the AR.  I laughed out loud.  Giddy is an accurate description of my mood.

Nate:  "Please stop crying.  You're gonna cry because we can't get a car in five minutes?"

Jen:  "That's not why I'm crying!!"  See, she's crying because realizing that you're an annoying carp-mouthed whore is somewhat jarring. 

Here is what I now know about Croatia:

1.  Cures erectile dysfunction

2.  Beautiful seaside views

3.  Croatians like to fire off guns right next to your ears.

Daddy and Sissy win a catamaran for being in first place for this leg of the race. 

Nate yells HOLY SHIT when the gun goes off, pretty much in his face.  The Croatians know how to party, man.

Nate and Jen were second, but they didn't take a taxi to get to the top of the hill, they asked a civilian driver to take them.  Phil says they need to go back to the bottom of the hill and get a taxi and come BACK up before they can officially check in.  You can imagine about how well THAT went over with them.  Phil is lucky that Jen didn't pull his eyeballs out when he wished them luck.

Nate:  "This is just the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae that's already melted."

Jen says, "Hurry, the last team to check in may be eliminated".  She says it in the cuntiest way possible.  I don't like to use such filthy language, but it's really the only way to describe her tone, and don't tell me you don't know what I mean.  It was cunty.  Her tone was cunty.  I stand by my statement.

Jen is crying again.  "I can't deal with any of this any more.  I don't want to be here anymore."  Let's hope she means the planet Earth and not the show.

Kuunt and Vyxisin swoop in at #2.

The Hippies are back working their way through the zip line. 

Jen analyzes her relationship for the cameras... "As far as our relationship goes, it's unpredictable.  Our relationship is so up and down. It may be too late. We've been through a lot."  This is the very, very long way of saying that she is going to cut off Nate's penis while he's sleeping.

The Hippies are back chillin' on the repel line.  Slow and easy tortoises.   

Team Greatest Generation and the Beakers are in a fight for last place, mostly due to really crappy flight issues.

Team GG is doing the boat, which we know isn't the best idea.

Beakers are doing the boat too.

Beaker M is rowing the boat all by himself.

Jesus, these people are stupid.  How hard is it to grasp the concept of rowing a damn BOAT!?!  I hate people so much.  They're really not good for very much, when it comes right down to it.

This gunshot bit is really pretty funny.  It's scared the shit out of everyone so far.  I mean, they wait until people are RIGHT next to the gun.

Well, the Beakers are in last.  Let's see if it's an elimination. 

They're CUT!  Whoa.  I can't believe they haven't had a non-elimination leg yet!  Also, the Beakers were the favorites to win the race, I think.  Can't believe they're out because of crappy flights.

Beaker F states, "It's not like someone beat us, we beat ourselves."  Yeah, I do that all the time.  HA!

Beaker F:  "Although my brother might be too hard on me, I know he just wants me to go as far as I can."

Beaker M:  "As a brother, part of my job is to challenge her."  Wait, does he mean as a brother or as a brother? 

Okay, the next episode isn't for two weeks, which puts it on Christmas Eve Eve, which means I may or may not get to write that one up.  Hold your breath!

BITCH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

The true strength of reality programming is its unique ability to bring us real moments of humanity in real time from real people who really hate one another.  Another strength of reality programming is its unique ability to show blonde whores getting hit by a bus in a foreign country.  And if the previews are to be believed, we may get to witness that glorious event tonight.  Network executives are both sickened and orgasmic at the prospect of the rating boost that tonight's episode will receive from people tuning in to see whore brains strewn across the East Blurgenblurgen town square.  I'm sure it'll be a near-miss, so those executives will be able to sleep soundly on a bed made from the hair of dead baby meerkats.

We begin this week with a reminder that poor, stressed, Looney Lorena and Captain Commitment Jason were eliminated last week.  As you'll recall, they were eliminated after getting slowed down by Team Cumdumpster after a U-Turn Twist was used.  Everyone (meaning me) was shocked to discover that last week wasn't an non-elimination round.  This week HAS to be.  Which means it won't be.

The teams are STILL in goddamned Africa.  You know what's really a lot of fun about Africa?  It's got both hot AND dry, together at last.  I'm beginning to sense that AR producers are trying to use the race to make some sort of statement about the appalling conditions that others have to live under on a daily basis.  Somehow having the Amazing Race in Africa will cure AIDS, but nobody is sure how yet.  One hopes that a cure will come from repeatedly hitting whores with buses.  I bet nobody has looked into it yet.  It's always the last thing that you try cures AIDS, am I right?

I'll miss Lorena already.  There was so much potential for seeing her brain s'plode on national television.  When I think of all of the animals that they could've made her milk in future episodes, it boggles the mind.  One week it could've been a rhino, the next a 62 year-old Indian woman.  Hell, it's practically its own show.  COPYRIGHT!  Call it Spilled Milk and the preview always shows someone crying.  It's a cash cow. (HA!)

Okay, ANYway, we're back to Unpronounceablename, Africa and Team Boring are the first ones out.  Teams have to make their way to Vilnius, Lithuania.  I'm sure Vilnius is a lovely place, but if I were on the Vilnius Chamber of Commerce, I would look into changing the name to Happinius or Nothingevilgoingonherenius or Notharboringnazisnius.  Just something to think about Lithuania.  We call it marketing, here in the States.  For instance, did you know that New York City isn't actually "new" at all?  It used to be called What The Fuck Is That Smell Island, but then Rudy Giuliani became mayor and changed it to New York City.  Jesus, did you seriously not know that?  Pick up a book, Lithuania.

Beaker M from Team Boring is going to show us the dark side of sibling abuse before this race is over, mark my words.  He really wants to hit his sister, you can see it in his eyes.  I can somewhat relate to him, as I didn't get along well with my sister growing up either.  Once, when I was about nine or ten, I accidentally grabbed my sister's tits during a fight.  We've had a pretty good relationship ever since, because frankly there's no coming back from grabbing your sister's tits.  I mean, we haven't made eye contact in 25 or so years, but all the psychiatrists will tell you that's perfectly healthy.  Let us never speak of this again.

Jen is straight up cow-in-the-kitchen crazy.  The bitch wants first place so bad she can taste it.  According to her they will "use their lust for winning as a ball of fire to rage through" the rest of the race.  I don't know what that means, but it did give me a pretty sizable boner to hear her say it.

The Unpronounceablename airport isn't exactly O'Hare.  I will not be the least bit surprised to see a large rubber band at the end of the runway.

Daddy from Team Daddy is wearing a new "Who's Your Daddy" shirt.  You know that Sissy is making him wear them and she thinks it's just a stitch.  I remain entirely skeeved out.  Sissy says that she's purposely constantly saying "I love you, Daddy" just to freak her dad out.  He's the kind of guy that when you go to give him a hug he just kind of goes limp and prays for you to die.  But I'm sure he's right around a corner from changing into the daddy that she's always wanted. 

In a Wikipedia moment, Daddy confidently states that Lithuania makes great pastries.  This is the kind of guy you get stuck talking to at a dinner party.  "Ohhhh, pastries, you say.  Well, I'll be..." (cut wrists with butter knife).

Kuunt from Team Goth is all wet over getting to go to Lithuania.  He says that he's has always wanted to go to Transylvania or Romania or someplace with spooky architecture.  He's totally down with any of the "ia's" as nations in general.  Is it even possible to give goths a bad name?  Because I think he is.   

Kuunt says that he doesn't try to control Vyxsin (his "girlfriend"), but he tries to "guide her".  By which he means he tries to "guide her" enormous penis into his vagina.

Everyone is trying to get a flight out using the internet port-a-potty near the airport.  Burkina Faso has mastered the art of the one room building.

The blondes are worrying about getting to the RIGHT Burkina Faso airport.  You know, because you can't spit without hitting ANOTHER Burkina Faso airport.  It's the hub of all air traffic East of Brrlehjrerlk and West of Doirirnrnigkkksdk. 

The Dirty Hippie is pondering the race and has concluded that "competition is fierce".  Dude.  So true.  So true.  And like, what if competition is a dolphin, man.  And, and, like what if the goal of the competition is like tuna?  And what if the tuna wasn't dolphin-safe?  Do you see what I'm saying?  It's like, can you use the dolphin to get to the tuna?  Ya know?  See man?  Makes you think.

Oh Christ.  You can tell that this episode is going to be heavy on unnecessary airport drama.  Someone tell producers that watching people buy plane tickets isn't the most stimulating reality programming, please.

The Dirty Hippie is happy to be heading to Lithuania, because he can't wait to "scope out the scene.  Gonna scope out some other places".  By which he means he wants to be high in as many different countries as possible.

Daddy is so clearly disgusted by his daughter.  He says, "She is somewhat naive.  I want to teach her how to deal with certain types of people".  Oh sure.  Because he could be teaching graduate-level people-person skills.

More flight drama.

Team GG got hosed at the Air France counter because their reservations woman either didn't like them or just couldn't speaka de ingleesh.  The Air France lady is giving tickets to whomever she wants, apparently.  This is actually how things work at most airlines, unfortunately. 

Shani from Team CD is worried about karma.  Her teammate, Jenni, is treating people just like she would in her every day life, which is to say, like they are beneath her. 

Shani: "I'm annoyed at what happened back there."   

Jenni: "You should just not argue with me.  I'm way more methodical than you."

Shani: "You're flattering yourself."

This is usually what happens when people who think they're hot begin to hang out together.  They slowly begin to realize that the other person is just not that hot, and was never that smart, and then they begin to think, "Hey, wait!  Does that mean, I'M not that hot or smart?"  Um, BINGO.

The teams are split between three different flights from Paris to Lithuania.  No room left on any of the Burkina Faso to Lithuania hourly express shuttles, apparently.

Nate and Jen are first to Vilnius.  We need to see more of them, as they have been voted Most Likely to Punch a Motherfucker.

Kuunt is just annoying.  He's got a face you want to slap, ya know?

Shocking revelation of the week from Team CD: "How could we be this dumb?!?"

Everyone's driving around trying to find a church in Vilnius.  It's difficult because Vilnius does not technically have streets and directions have not yet been invented there.

Queen of Hyperbole, Jen, says, "This is the most insane place I've ever dealt with in my life."

Road Block - "Who's a good listener".  Players have to act like Lithoanian messengers.  Find and deliver a package to the right person and then deliver another package to the final destination.  Lithuania must be proud that this is the best thing the producers could come up with to represent their entire country. Lithuania:  The Delivery Boy Capital of The World.

Kunnt says "I'm a good listener!" And he's also an excellent bottom.

Jen and Nate are slowly slipping into hatred, which always starts with the too-sweet sing-songy comments to one another:  "Natey c'mon!!", to which he replies "Jen, c'mon dude!".  They are so lost that they've left their car and decided they're better off ON FOOT.  They are wrong.

HOLY SHIT!! Here's the bus scene.  Shani and Jenni from Team Cumdumpster are totally lost on some back street in goddamned Vilnius and as Shani backs up to turn around, we get a view from the cameraman's perspective, out the side window in the back seat, of a HUGE city bus barreling down on their car, going about 30 mph.  Horn a-blazin'.  That camera guy had to be thinking "I am going to die today in fucking Dogrape, Lithuania with two stupid whores and I won't even be able to have an open casket funeral because this camera is about to be three feet up my nose.  Aaaand I just shit my pants.  Not my day.  Not my day at all."

Long story short, the bus didn't hit them, but man were they freaking out.  This really is the best thing about reality television, because you got to see the real, actual reaction that people have in a situation like this, which is to panic like a sumbitch. Shani saw the bus coming and knew she had to move, but she completely froze.  It was like she was waiting for the bus to hit so that she could get jolted into action.  My two cents, we all would've been better off if the bus driver hadn't even touched his brakes. 

Shani's yelling at Jenni to calm down.  Then Jenni pipes up with "Oh my god, a bus almost killed me, but I'm supposed to relax?" Well, no. First, change your panties.

Daddy is still having trouble with his hernia.  He's trying to alleviate the pain by standing like a jaggoff.  Standing like a jaggoff is approved by 4 out of 5 unlicensed doctors.

It appears that Lithuanian chicks are hot, up to about 19 years old and then it takes a long, slow downhill turn.

Wow.  Nate and Jen from Team 273.5a do not disappoint in this episode...

Nate: "I'm just saying it's a lot easier when someone isn't stressed out from the start". 

Jen (snotty): "This is an absolute joke.  Once again we're gonna look like idiots". 

Nate:  "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life". 

Jen:  "Same with you, Nate". 

Keep in mind, most of that conversation was half-whispered, away from the camera.  Easy to forget that the whole world can hear you WHEN  YOU'RE WEARING A MIC.  I really hope they get married and can somehow work the "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life" line into the vows. 

Huh, it seems that Lithuania bases their town names on the sounds of sneezes.  That's clever.

The Dirty Hippie has hooked up with a fellow pothead for some Lithuanian guidance.  Hippies Helping Hippies.  Triple H, baby!

Jen and Nate have completed the task and are now best friends again.  Nate hugs Jen: "I'm so proud of you!"  THEY ARE PSYCHO.

The blondes read the clue...

Shani: "Who's a good listener?  I am."

Jenni: "I think I am. You misinterpret."

CAT FIGHT!  CAT FIGHT!

In a bow to corporate sponsorship, all teams must search an abandoned village for a Travelocity gnome.  This has become a somewhat standard challenge for the AR.

Marginally hot blondes are adored the world around.  There's always a few guys in any country that are willing to help out, given the chance to ogle some titties for five minutes.

Detour- Count down or step up.  Racers have to count pickets on a fence or stilt walk.   

These tasks that require detailed counting or minutia are so awesome.  Getting people to count is so much harder than you'd think.  Makes me giggle.

Seeing the wild village street carnival show in Lithuania causes Kuunt to state, "This is my favorite moment in this Amazing Race thus far.  Vyxsin and I love to play dress up and they made us feel (air quote) normal (un-air quote)."  I think we all knew that they like to play dress up, but now I've got a million different disturbing images in my head, so thanks a shit-ton.

The blondes are not loving each other right now.

Daddy doesn't look great on the stilts:  "I don't want this hernia to pop out".  Uh, ew.

Jen:  "Stilts Nate?  We're not going to do stilts".  Jen's the decider. So they're going to count pickets in a fence... 

Jen:  "I can do this so fast.  Please just let me do it."  Keep in mind that they can BOTH work on this task.  But why would they want to do THAT, when OBVIOUSLY Nate would fuck it up SOMEHOW and would probably try to have SEX with the whore FENCE, because everyone KNOWS he can't help but cheat on Jen?

There are 717 pickets, FYI.

The Hippies finish this leg of the race in first!  And they're happy.  They win a 10 day trip to Japan.  Where they can spend the majority stay in an opium den, I'm sure.  In another insightful moment from the Dirty Hippie:  "It just goes to show, you just never know what's going on in this race".  Uhhh, okay?

So it turns out that Jen has a bit of trouble with the whole counting thing after all.  They have counted incorrectly twice now. It's obvious that it's Nate's fault.  To her.

The blondes are still back searching for the gnomes in the village. They should do fine though, because Shani just took charge, stating that they "just have to search the whole parameter" of the village.  Well sure, that's what I'd do too.

Sissy and Daddy have completed the stilt walk after some painful falls by Daddy.  Sissy says, "I'm so proud of my dad.  He's my Superman".  Sometimes when a girls says that, it's sweet.  And sometimes it makes you gag and a chill runs up your spine.  Is he your Superman?  Are you Lois Lane in this scenario?  You know Superman gave Lois the Supermeat, right? 

Jen and Nate are STILL counting.  Or at least Jen is...

Jen:  "Nathan can you count in your head, please?!!  STOP!!"

Nate:  "I'm not stopping! (Jen slaps his hand off of the picket as he counts) BITCH!!!! What are  you doing!??!?!"

They've given up on counting pickets.  As they walk away from the fence, Jen says, "I cannot believe that you are that mean that  you had to call me that".  Hey baby, if the collar fits...

Of course they go to try the stilts and pass in a few minutes. 

Wow, counting REALLY wasn't the way to go.  People are freaking out because counting SHOULD be so easy.  Delicious.

Now the blondes are at the fence.  This Jen wants to do it all herself too.

Shani: "Jen, you're so on a team of your own, it's ridiculous.  You just go ahead and count it and if you're wrong, it's all on you". 

And it's wrong.  Of course.

Awww, that means that the Blondes last.  Because math is hard.

Shana and Jennifer you have been eliminated.  Shana is "heartbroken". 

Jenni: "We come from a comfortable life.  All of that goes out the window when you're on the Amazing Race."  Sad for them. Sadder still, they would've been better off if they were hit by a bus.

This week had a few inspirational moments, mostly provided by Nate and Jen.  All you need to know about next week is that we've reached the stage that happens every season in the AR. The moment when The Truth comes out in every relationship.  Definitely tune in next week as Jen tells Nate:

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate  you with a passion."  Someone get the t-shirt presses warmed up.

Okay, Touch Me. TOUCH ME!

Due to NFL football running late again this week, the Amazing Race has been pushed back nearly a full hour tonight on the East coast.  Normally, I would "rage" against the "machine" that "the man" has created, inconveniencing me to the point of near-fatal sighing, but I am frankly still too bloated from the food-fest of the last four days.  Every time I try to rage, mashed potatoes lodge in my left ventricle, in what doctors have described as a "sticky situation".  We all had a good laugh at that one down at the Cardiac Ward.

ANYway, this week is sure to be a letdown after last week's mind blowing insanity related to milking a camel.  The previews promise more livestock interaction this week, but honestly, at this point you would have to give a prostate exam to a rhino to top camel milking.

The review from last week reminds us that Team Boring came in first and the Hot Latinas were eliminated.  Both facts remain hard to swallow.  Is it racist that the Latinas lost on a challenge about learning a new language and the black team won in Africa?  Call your congressman to request a full inquiry.

I'd really forgotten that the Hot Latinas were eliminated last week.  My mind has always been quick to block out traumatic events such as this. 

Okay!  The teams are off and running.

Racers are informed that they will be getting zero dollars to use on this leg of the race.  If I do a quick calculation on the currency converter...yes, that will buy you a four bedroom house and 10 acres in Africa.

Beaker M from Team Boring says that they are slowed by Beaker F's "physical limitations".  She takes offense, saying, "You make it sound like I'm retarded or something."  The only possible physical limitation I can see on her is a slight case of topheaviedness.  It can kill - consult your physician.  Or, hell, consult me.   

The very first task is to get a chicken from the tribal chief and take it everywhere with you on this leg of the race.  No reason.  It's just humorous to watch people carry a live chicken in a bag.  "No Chicken, No Check-In".  Quality effort Amazing Race producers. Quality effort.

The head of Team Hippie says that they are "just takin' it easy" in the race.  Methinks he envisions himself as the tortoise.  I can think of no better animal to represent him, in truth.  I kind of hate this team, but I kind of want them to win.  In fairness, I hate everyone, hippie or not.  But still.

It has been determined that Team Goth is going at Kuunt's pace.  He is good for something...let me see, what is it?  Oh right.  Nothing.  Good for NOTHING.  When the race ends and they win and they reveal that the guy is a girl and the girl is a guy, I don't think there's going to be a lot of shocked gasps rolling through the crowd.

Daddy (from Team Daddy) says that he feels vindicated by moving from last place to fifth.  Vindicated?  What does that mean?  That the shitty way he treats his daughter and everyone else is now justified?  He's a piece of work, this guy.

The Grandpa from Team Greatest Generation wants to get out and RUN!  Oh wait, someone just told him he's 80.  Time to walk.

I continue to have a crush on the female hippie.  Something about her just screams, "I'll do ANYTHING.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Yes, including that."

As all the teams dart around trying to catch chickens that are running around like something with their somethings cut off, Sissy is worried that their chicken got its "toenail" caught in the netting of their bag.  I can sense that Daddy is not pleased at her concern and wishes very much to strike her.

Team CumDumpster really doesn't fit into Africa, per se.  They would be a bad Waldo in this situation.  Oh, THERE he is.

Team CD is now having trouble wrangling their chicken.  They can track down and smother a cock in a matter of nanoseconds, but a chicken is a trickier proposition.

Everyone is on their way, but just as they get close to the Detour, Beaker F needs a potty break.  Beaker M is incensed!  He is very close to breaking out a "gosh-darn".

Okay!  The Detour - Shake your pan or shake your booty.  Teams have to either pan for gold or dance like a damn fool.  The dance task is subjective and must be approved by African Idol judges. 

Jen says that she has danced for LA Clippers dance team, so she's confident that her experience translates to this task in the middle of Africa.  She's right, of course, because as Mister Rogers once said, titties always translate.

Jason and Lorena are in last place, but Jason's got a can't-miss strategy: Hope another team makes a mistake and then don't make any mistakes themselves.  When in doubt, go with hope.  The Motto of the Screwed.

As anticipated, Jen may know how to dance, but Nate is a hot mess.  The judges penalize them for having no creativity.  They have to wait 10 minutes before trying again. 

Grandpa says that he used to be a miner.  Somehow, that is supposed to help him with panning for gold?  Ooookaaaayyy.

Daddy is a wild dancer.  Or, at least, he's one of those people who thinks he's being funny/goofy and instead it just kind of makes you die inside to watch?  But Sissy makes sure to tell him, "Smile the whole time, okay?"  People shouldn't need to be reminded to smile.  It's one of my pet peeves.  It's like being told to shit my pants.  Either I'm going to or I'm not. 

Aw man, Team Hippie are harshing HARD on the dance steps.  I bet it would help if they could SEE the music, man.  You know, like with colors?  Awwwwwesooooommmmme. 

And now they're lost.

How did I know that Team Boring would have no rhythm?  I've seen better dancing at a blind amputee convention (August 20-24 - bring your tap shoes, this year's theme is "Whoooooaa, SHIT!!!!")   Oh Jesus, they somehow passed the task on the first try.  Black people get ALL the breaks.

U-Turn Twist!!  In a new game twist this year, teams have the option of U-Turning another team behind them, forcing the other team to perform BOTH previous tasks (in this case, shake your pan and shake your booty).

After Jen and Nate finally pass the dancing task, Jen says, "I am going to get so much crap from the dancing world when I get back."  Yes, Jen, the dancing world is up in arms.  Christ. 

The Hippies are still totally lost.  I'm sure they'll just treat it as a fucking vision quest or something.  However, there is a good chance they will die in the wild without some kind of African Doobage.

Daddy and Sissy are rubbing butt to butt in their dance.  Ugh, so disturbing.  The judges were not amused by their tribute to incest.  10 minute penalty.

Grandpa and grandson finished mining really fast.

Jen says they're not going to use the U-Turn on another team because "we are going to win this race like friggin' men".  Someone should tell her about having a vagina.

The female hippie (now no longer lost) must weigh all of 30 pounds.   Still, I would say she needs to lose five pounds to make it on television.

Along with their dance, Kunnt is going to "do a little improv too" to impress the judges.  It worked!  The judges loved/were scared of them. 

And now Team GG is lost.  Africa is like, big, ya'll.

Kuunt says he appreciates how gracious the Africans have been to them, "We look like aliens that dropped out of the sky or something, but they've been so warm".   If there is one thing Goths love, even more than being miserable, it's getting attention from Africans. 

Team CD are on all fours during their dance, for no discernible reason.  Officially, the sluttiest version of the dance so far.  Fortunately for them, two of the African judges are men. Jesus, it was all but a lapdance.

And now, team CD are U-Turning Jason and Lorena.  One of the blondes (who can tell the difference?) says "it's wrong".  But on the plus side, they love the picture of themselves that the Amazing Race provided.

The Hippies are officially against the U-Turn move.  Bad karma and shit, maaaaaan.

Team CD "had no choice" but to use the U-Turn on Jason and Lorena.  "Nobody's our friend.  It's a race and we can win a million dollars."  I have to say, I agree.  It always makes me sick when teams don't use the strategy because it's "bad karma". 

Here's this week's livestock!  Goat Market.  Roadblock: Ride a bike with a goat and supplies to a local market.  These goats are yelling like little babies.  No matter what you do, you just can't stop the horrible screaming of the lambs.

Lorena and Jason are finally at the detour.  Lorena says that "Puerto Ricans love to dance". And shake their tits, apparently.  You know what they don't like?  Milking camels.

God, this leg of the race is boring the shit out of me.  Someone HIT SOMEONE!!

Jen is having trouble with the bike: "Just calm down Nate, you're stressing me out!!"  Dollars to donuts, Nate is fucking someone while she's gone on that bike.

"That was the most culture shock I've ever had," Jen says after riding through a pretty rough African marketplace.  Because, you know, she's had a LOT of culture shock, going from West Hollywood to Downtown.

The Pit Stop for this leg of the race is in Unpronounceablename, Africa.  I think this leg may have been tacked on for some reason, because they didn't actually GO anywhere.  Lame.  I'm getting very sleepy..

Now that Jen has completed the task of riding through the African marketplace, she's in the cab with Jason.  "Jason, don't touch me.  I'm all hot.  Don't touch."  Then, remembering that he will cheat on her if she so much as sneezes, she says, "Okay, now you can.  Okay, touch me...TOUCH ME!!"  No insecurity there.  Look at us America!  We're in LOVE! 

Daddy is now ordering Sissy around in Korean (or whatEVER that language was), so that he doesn't look so bad to the TV viewing audience.  Asshole is asshole in any language, Skippy.

Now the one blonde is totally stressing about using the u-turn.  She's big into karma.  You know, because of Earl.

God, this leg is boring.  Have I mentioned that yet?

Kuunt is getting his butch on.  In an effeminate way, of course.

Goats ram you, according to one of the blondes from Team CD.  Good to know if you're ever trapped in a goat ring.

Team Boring is the winner of the leg AGAIN.  There's no stopping them.  They win motor scooters for finishing first.

Jen and Nate came in a VERY close second for this leg.  Jen said she "wanted it really bad.  I just feel like everyone should have their time and they've had their time two times."  So now she's bitching about Team Boring trying to be in first place.  The NERVE of them trying to win something called THE AMAZING RACE. 

NEWS FLASH!!  Not the best conditions in the African Outdoor Whole Foods.  Best not to look for expiration dates on those fish over there.

Vyxsin is touched by the mess in Africa.  She's getting her goth on.  The weight of the world is heavy.

BORED! 

The Africans are looking at the female hippie like SHE should put on weight.  How does someone who has to deal with the munchies that much not have any fat on them?

Lorena has professed her love for Jason.  Duh.  And now she's crying.  Jason says, "We'll make a million dollars another way.  Don't worry baby."  I'm sure "another way" involves prostitution, but why spoil this tender moment?

It's gotta be a non-elimination leg, right?

Jason tells Lorena, "Money doesn't make you wealthy, baby..."  Uh, Jason?  Yes, it does.  Because with money, you can BUY WEALTH!!  And love.

It IS an elimination leg!  I'll be damned. 

So Jason and Lorena are eliminated, meaning we will get no more opportunities to see her freak the hell out.  In review of what she's learned on the race, she's decided that she doesn't HAVE to get married now.  There's no need to rush into anything, according to her.  Sure, it's only been five years - no need to go crazy and jump in headlong. 

In a classic bit of male relationship justification, Jason says, "I'm down for any adventure.  There's some kind of confinement within a marriage that you can't have when you're free.  When two people are free, you can have a deeper kind of love, because you don't HAVE to be together."  Um, huh? 

Allow me to translate for Jason: "I'm down for banging this chick until she figures out that I'm never going to marry her, even though that's what she wants most in the world.  Marriage confines you into banging just the one chick, but when I'm only technically dating I can pretty much bang whoever I want.  When two people are free, they can have a deeper kind of love, preferably with many, many other women."

Okay!  That's it for this week.  According to the previews for next week, the blondes get hit by a bus.

Yeah, I'll tune in to that.

Seriously. There's No More Milk.

Are you excited?  Because I'm excited.  I'm not gonna lie. 

I can't say for sure why I so love seeing people completely snap and lose their tenuous grip on reality.  But I do know that it is the very reason why reality television was created by sweet baby Jesus.  Because as much as we love to see a good sit-com or a gripping drama, it's so much more fun to see a person nearly shit herself in exasperation.  And that is The Amazing Race in a nutshell: The Promise of People Shitting Themselves in Exasperation.  It should be in all the advertising.   

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Week 3 begins with a review of last week, wherein my personal favorite team of gay clergywomen was eliminated.  I'm sure that there's some group somewhere that will use this as evidence that God doesn't want women to be either gay or clergy.  God, after all, is a huge fan of the Amazing Race.

Okay!  Here we go.  You can use your whole couch, but you'll only need THE EDGE.

Wait, they're still in the Netherlands?  I could've sworn they moved on from there.  You know what an overnight stay near Amsterdam means?  Team Dirty Hippie is going to be totally baked. 

It seems that sometime last week Daddy gave himself a hernia, probably through constantly berating his daughter. Thankfully, we've been given a clip of the doctor telling him, "I have pushed the tissue back into the abdomen".  Guurrrpprrghghhpphh.

And this leg of the race has officially begun, with Jason and Lorena in first.

The first clue states that the teams must get on the first flight to Unpronounceablename, Africa.  The trick is that Africa is a big place (almost as big as TEXAS, I once heard), and nobody knows where Unpronounceablename is, exactly. 

You really want to root for Jason, don't you?  With his little sweet nothings that he tells the camera?  Like that Lorena reminds him of girl from The Exorcist?  I can see why she's holding out for him to decide to marry her maybe someday when he's ready.  He's a catch.

Jen from Team 273.5a says that sometimes she hates Nate, her boyfriend.  She's a bitch, but she says she's been working at it.  I'm not sure if that means she's working to be more of a bitch or less of one.  It remains an unsolvable mystery as to why he cheated on her.

The blondes from Team Cumdumpster continue to worry more about their appearance than their place in the race.  It's a risky strategy.  At some point in their lives, one hopes someone randomly comes up and slaps them in the face and says, "You know, you're not really that attractive."

MAJOR EARTH SHATTERING REVELATION OF THE WEEK: The Goth female, Vyxsin, has just stated that she takes on some of the "typically masculine roles" in the relationship.  Let's see if I can guess what some of the roles are:

1.  She has the penis.

2.  She's been inside of him more than he's been inside of her.

3.  He bleeds and eats ice-cream from a carton for about a week every month.

Okay, so none of these teams has a clue where Unpronounceablename, Africa is.  I don't either, but I do know how to use the damned internet. 

Ah, we've discovered it's in Burkina Faso.  Wait, wasn't Burkina Faso in Designing Women?   

Team Boring are originally from Ethiopia.  Or so they say.  I don't know if they mean, like, HISTORICALLY from there or born there.  Because they look more like they're from just outside of San Diego to me.

Here's our first clue that Team Dirty Hippie may have picked up some brownies in Amsterdam: The dude just said they are not allowing things to "freak them out" too much.  Plus, man, they can totally take that unicorn standing over there to Burkina Faso.  WASH YOUR HAIR, DREADLOCK!!!

One of the hot Latinas just said, "My sister gets excited a lot".  She should be spanked for that kind of behavior. 

The Grandpa who STRIPPED down to his jockey underwear last week, just said that he's "letting it all hang out" on the race.  Ew.  Also, he's 69 years old.  69 is the new 67 1/2.

Smartly, the blondes from Team Cumdumpster are dressed for sex.  Also, without all their makeup, it's become obvious that they've had surgery to enhance their cocksucking lips.  Huh, spell check doesn't recognize "cocksucking".  Weird.

Oh lord.  Daddy, from Team Daddy, has a new "Who's Your Daddy" t-shirt on.  It's creepy in every color of the rainbow now.  He says he's learned his lesson after the terrible way he treated his daughter in the last round.  Says he needs to be more "uplifting".  That's one way to put it.  Or he could say, "I need to stop being such a dickface".

The Dirty Hippie is excited to go to Africa.  He'll commune with a fucking giraffe or something.  He's basically excited to go anywhere that doesn't require him to shower. 

Ugh, I hate it when they play up these airport maneuvers.  THERE'S NOT EXACTLY HOURLY FLIGHTS TO UNPRONOUNCEABLENAME, AFRICA!!  YOU'LL ALL BE ON THE SAME PLANE!!

Daddy and Sissy (my new name for her) have to run to get the flight.  Daddy's hernia is gonna kill him, if there is a God.

Okay, after much unnecessarily tense music, everyone's in friggin' Unpronounceablename, Burkina Faso, Africa.

One of the Cumdumpsters worries aloud about being sold to people for money in Africa.  Not that it would be a change from her normal routine, but the street names would be realllly different. 

Hey!  Everyone gets to take the train to Bingo, in the middle of Goddamn Nowhere, Africa.  Remember that song, "Let's All Take the Train To Bingo!" by Metallica?  During their polka phase?  Anyone?

They have to wait to get on the train until morning.  It's not exactly high-speed rail, this Bingo train.

The Grandpa is drooling over the hot Latinas.  Who DOESN'T love hot Latinas?  Iran, I'll bet.  That's why we need to go to war with them.

The blondes are not exactly comfortable around people with dark skin on a train that isn't sporting air conditioning.  Or put more succinctly by one of the blondes, "These people bring flies".

The "male" Goth, Kuunt, just asked his girlfriend to help him off of the train.  He's going to need a goddamn parasol before the race is over.  She needs to whip out her dick and slap him upside his waxed eyebrows.

Oh man, I'm at 3/4 chub.  It's time: 

ROAD BLOCK! Milk a camel enough to fill a bowl to the line and then drink that milk.

If your camel "runs dry", you have to wait for a camel to be available from a team that has finished the challenge.

The card says that teams need to "be mindful that camels are sensitive to loud noises and fast movements".  They're basically large cats with humps.  And utters.  That spit. 

Jennifer helpfully yells to Nathan, "You have to be gentle, you're handling nipples".  So no hooking the utters up to a car battery like she likes.

Some teams appear to have just gotten particularly milky camels.  I've seen it a million times.  They have to want to milk.  It helps if you blow in the camel's ear first.  Maybe give it a hoof massage.

The Dirty Hippie has finished milking already!  Ooop - he's having a some trouble drinking it, however.  Says it's a little "gritty".  C'mon, pussy!  Who wouldn't LOVE a nice tall glass of warm, gritty camel milk?  Maybe with some OrneryO's?  Mmmm.  He's probably just pissed off that fresh-squeezed camel milk isn't hallucinogenic.   

I am somewhat unsurprised that the blonde from Team Cumdumpster has no trouble tugging on a camel.

Vyxsin has finished and Kuunt told her to make sure to swallow every drop.  Just like she usually tells him.

Several teams have finished and are on their way to the next challenge.  They're going the wrong way.  Nobody cares.  Because Lorena is about to blow.

I really hope you had the chance to watch this.  Lorena keeps trying to milk what very well could be a male camel and any liquid that she's getting has been knocked out of her hands AT LEAST five times by the camel.  It's physical comedy at its finest.  And finally, the breakdown.  In full, hysterical, child-lost-in-a-shopping-mall shriek:

"Baby, there's NO MORE MILK!  THERE'S NO MORE MIIIIILLLLLLL(stroke)LLLLLKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (There are not enough exclamation points here.  There are not enough exclamation points in the history of exclamation points).

Oh dear god, in the middle of this breakdown, one of the blondes is giving her camel the most erotic tug-job you've ever seen.  She's doing everything but spitting in her hand first.

Lorena again:

"MIIIILK!!!!! BABY!!!"

And now in prayer:

"Please lord, give me milk."

And now a different camel has KICKED HER:

"AAAGGHHH!!! He hit me!!"

Most of the rest of the teams are on to the Detour: Teach it or Learn it.

Teams can either try to teach non-English-speaking African children 10 English words or learn 10 African words as a team.

Of course, Team Boring will choose to learn the African Words, because they probably learn Quantum Physics in their sleep.  They definitely took that "Reading Is Fundamental" shit to heart growing up.

"It doesn't take a brainiac to memorize 10 words" according to Beaker F of Team Boring.  She's right, of course.  If you're talking about English words.

The weather is getting nasty.  Big African storm rolling in.  Great, goddamn AFRICA is getting more rain than Atlanta, Georgia. 

The thunder made one of the camels hop a few times.  Awww, cute.  Can I have one?

Christ, Lorena is STILL trying to milk this damn camel.  This is just like that saying - "You can't squeeze water from a rock", except the water is milk and the rock is a, you know, camel.  If you follow the analogy.  It's complex.  Give it a sec.

And the camel just kicked the milk out for her hand.  Again.  If she had a machete, she would go all Apocalypse Now on this camel, I swear to you.

Brother and sister Team Boring have boringly won this stage.  And, because they're in first, they've won a romantic five night trip to Bermuda. For two. Not creepy at all.

Holy shit, the Hot Latinas are still trying to get milk too!!  They better not lose!  That's why there's such a terrible storm!! The Amazing Race has angered the Gods! 

Lorena's camel has just kicked the milk from her bowl AGAIN.

Oh.  Oooohhh.  Wait for it...wait for it...

*PLINK*

Aaannnd there's the sound of Lorena's brain snapping in two. 

Now here's the primal scream.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And she's dropped to her knees, her brain flopping on the ground beside her, a spent pile of mush. 

Yes.  YESSS!!  GIVE IN TO THE DARK SIDE!!  LET IT CONSUME YOU, LORENA!!

She's not even screaming words now.  It's all just grunts.  I can't tell, but I'll almost guarantee she's shit her pants.

As she's leaving, one of the Hot Latinas tells Lorena to get milk from one of the camels that has a baby camel near it.  Anyone who watches the Amazing Race knows that this kind of kindness will only get you eliminated.

So, of course, Lorena finally does get a camel to give her enough milk.

Lorena asks Jason, in a tender moment, "Do you still love me?"  He responds, "Of course I still love you!"  I mean, not enough to marry you.  But I will let you blow me.

Back at the "schoolhouse", one of the Cumdumpsters is teaching African children English words by shaking her tits as she says the words.  Shaking titties is a proven language development technique.  It's what Elmo does, if you watch carefully.

Jason tells Lorena, "We can learn African!! You know languages!!"  You know, because she's Hispanic.  And later she can make you a burrito, jackass.

Holy SHIT.  The Hot Latinas got PASSED by Jason and Lorena.  They're gonna be in last!!  HOW IS LORENA NOT IN LAST PLACE!??!?!

I say it's a non-elimination.  Please God, let it be non-elimination.  TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE IN LAST, are the Latinas.

Lorena and Jason are in at second to last.  Lorena breaks down at the end, saying "I didn't milk the camel right."  No shit?

Jason tells Phil that this is why he loves Lorena, "she's passionate about life, she's passionate about love, she's passionate about this race...and she's passionate about pleasing me."  Um, yeah.  That's pretty much the way I was picturing the situation, but thanks for laying it out so specifically there.

NOOO!OOOOO!!!O!O!O!O!OO!!!!!OOOOOO!!! 

Latinas are eliminated.  The race has officially gotten uglier.  Damn it.

Well, that's it for this week.  Much of the hotness is gone, but at least we have some hope of another Lorena breakdown at some point.  Although that's like wishing for it to snow cocaine on Christmas.

Appointment Television

This coming Sunday night, on national television, you have the chance to witness some woman whom you've never met blow a goddamn piston in her brain.  As she tries to milk a camel.  If you can't take nearly orgasmic enjoyment in viewing that, then I'm not entirely sure we should continue to be friends. 

Amazing Race. 8 o'clock(ish) EST.  I shall provide my wrap-up shortly thereafter, because I will need to soak in the ecstasy of it all for a little while.  My advice?  Wear rubber pants - you're gonna need them.

You Disappointed Me

Week two of this season of the Amazing Race begins with standard review of the prior week.  All the competitors looked so bright-eyed and hopeful, didn't they?  It's so easy to forget how much we truly hate the ones we love, until we're forced to spend extended periods of time in a car looking for the Haggerllegecc town square in the middle of Leprechaun Rape, Ireland.

All the competitors are raving about how surprised they are with great effort from the Goths (Team Aynnoyyingg).  They're not mentally retarded, people, they just dye their hair.   And they're mentally retarded.  The point is, you can never underestimate freaks.  Of course, it's only a matter of time before they're forced to withdraw due to a bad case of The Blahs.  Goths in general are suffering from The Blahs at a horrifying rate.  I blame the war and Robert Smith eating the rest of the Cure.

God, Chris totally creeps me out with her Daddy issues.  Someone get her a Hello Kitty to cuddle.

Beaker M and Beaker F are the first to depart.  They bring nothing exciting to this race.  There is some speculation that they are a tad closer than a brother and sister should be.    I guess that could be fun to watch.  Like if they get a little too excited after a victory and celebrate with tongue.  Could be awkward for Phil. 

Everyone's heading to Amsterdam! 

The Dirty Hippie just said that his relationship with Rachel is 90% more important than the Amazing Race.  That's a man who does not have his priorities straight. 

Nate says, "We're getting along now, but just wait until we hit a wrong turn."  By which he means  Jen will be tasting blood.  Domestic violence is not funny.  Except when it is.

Team Cumdumpster says that "it's creepy driving at night".   Probably because they're used to having their feet in the air and not the gas pedal.  Shani is quite disturbed that none of the pit stops have been at a hair and nail salon.  "Clearly I haven't had a manicure or facial".  Pull over, I'll give you a facial.

Daddy is already upset at his greatest disappointment in life, his daughter.  She forgot her fanny pack and he's about to have a stroke.  Of course she shouts, "Sorry Daddy!!"  I've got vomit stuck in my molars. 

How much do I love Team Gay Jesus!?!?  Pat said, "We have no illusions that God even cares if win the Amazing Race".  Why is it always the gay clergy that has their head on straight?

Team Greatest Generation has gotten a flat tire right out of the gate.  Haven't even made it to the airport yet.  Of course, Grandpa is in control of the flat tire situation.  He'll jack the car up with his genitals if necessary.

"Kynt runs around like he's on speed".  Gee, that could be because HE IS.

It's becoming fairly clear why Chris has her daddy issues.  He's not the most pleasant person in the world.

FLIGHT DRAMA! The Daddy is going to get in a shoving match with the grandson from Team GG. It's always good to shove someone while explaining that he needs calm down.  Really gets the point across.  Baby, why do you make me hit you?

Man, the Dirty Hippie cannot WAIT to get to Amsterdam.  Like sending a whore to Dicktown.

Man, Pat from Team Gay Jesus is a cancer survivor?  How can you not love this team??!

AAGGHH!!!  Team Motorboat (hooooottt Latinas) are in last!!!  THEY ARE TOO HOT TO LOSE!!  This is why people stop believing in God.  They sure as hell better catch up or I will have to start a letter writing campaign.

Yes, that WHO'S YOUR DADDY SHIRT? is beyond creepy. What does that even MEAN in this context?

What is with Kuunts voice?  It's like an effeminate soprano helium balloon.  Only more annoying.

I wish there was some kind of state fair where one of the booths was chance to punch this Daddy in the face. 

There's Aer Lingus again.  THAT'S  MY JOKE SCOTT ADAMS, YOU HACK!!  You can expect to hear from my imaginary lawyers!!

Team Boring is the first to the train in Amsterdam.  They can read a map, which puts them light years ahead of most of these handjobs. 

Challenge:  Furniture Moving.  Up the side of a building with hand tied ropes. Or...search through hundreds of bikes in a parking garage to find the pair that match your card.

Vyxsin from Team Aynnoyyingg just said that she would tie the ropes off because she used to macramé and knows knots.  Okay, so now I like her.  He's still a complete tool.

Mmmm, Lorena is hot when she's cheering on her teammate.  Baby, if you need a man to commit to you, I think I could for a night.

One of the blondes from Team Cumdumpster firmly stated, "My arm muscles are one of the strongest parts of my body".   I bet they take second place to your jaw muscles.

The Dirty Hippie just showed up in Amsterdam.  Now that I look closer, his girlfriend is also a dirty hippie.  Man, you can tell that he needs to try to score before the challenge.   He's asking one of the movers if he's "Holden Caufield".  Wink, wink.

Dirty Hippie is snapping at my Boo - "I have no idea what you're saying!!"  He totally can't figure out the ropes, man.  Ironically, he can't figure out how to tie off.

Jen has had enough of Nate's incompetence as a man.   She's got such a sunny personality, it's hard to believe he cheated.   "Nate for the life of him cannot tie a knot," Jen says confidentially to the camera.  Except to tie up his whores, one imagines.

About half the teams have finished the challenge and are waiting for the same bus.  Oops, the Goths missed the bus. Team Boring went from first to fifth because they looked for the bikes instead of doing the movers challenge.

Wow, the Hippies are really bad movers.  Dirty Hippie is totally harshing.  Can a brother just score some righteous bud!?!?  Delicious Hippie Rachel CAN tie a knot, as her brains aren't on drugs. She passes the challenge for them.

Roadblock:  A Norwegian "sport" called Ditch Vaulting.  Or Dutch Vaulting.  Really, does it matter?  The point is to cross a (let's call it) fjord in a single vault from side to side.

The one blonde from Team Cumdumpster does NOT want to break a nail.

Oh my god, my wife is laughing her ass off because Jen from Team 273.5a crashed hard in the ditch.  She seriously can't get her breath.  It's fun to see beautiful people fail.   Especially whores.  The cherry on top was the dutch judge shouting "NO GOOD!" when she ate it.   Awesome.  I bet Nate is going to be very supportive and patient though.  Oops, I guess not.

Durgerdam is the pit stop. I'm pretty that name is made up.

Jen is a gracious competitor: "That freaking little bitch did it!"

Team Fingerbang are team #1.  As a reward, they win bikes.  I'm sure they didn't want an exotic trip somewhere.  Sure, a bike.  Nice.

Man, Team Motorboat is too cute.  One even just used a British accent, which you know I think is wicked hot, yeah? 

Team 273.5a is second and will live to strangle each other another day. Team Cumdumpster is in third.

Jeus, the daddy is SO ANNOYING. The daughter says she just wants them to "stay positive".   His response, "Don't give me this crap about positive vibes getting you through".  He's obviously an expert on staying positive, so she should shut her whore mouth.

Team Gay Jesus continues to enjoy schadenfreude.

Marianna: "Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind, so we have to hurry".  Everyone is learning to hate Daddy.

Revelation from Kuunt: "I'm not one of those get down and dirty kind of boys, I'm kind of prissy".  I will alert CNN to this breaking story. 

Beaker F is covered tits to toes in mud on her first try across the fjord.  Amazing Race has a long history of making people muddy and miserable.  Kudos on continuing the streak.

Kuunt is not really an athlete, per se.

Oh lord, Grandpa is going to ditch jump.  Ominously, the grandson states, "That may be a decision that's going to cost us." YA THINK!??!

Daddy is worrying about their team "vacillating".  "I let you loose on this thing and you disappointed me."  This guy is quite the charmer, isn't he? 

Kuunt made it across!  Finally!  Now I kind of want them to do good, because I think I have a small crush on Vyxsin. 

Grandpa is not so much with the ditch vault.  It's really a younger man's sport. OH DEAR GOD!!  GRANDPA IS STRIPPING!!!  He's too covered in mud to jump, so he has to shed clothing.  An official "No Comment" from the grandson. You go into the race hoping for lifelong memories and you come out seeing your grandpa naked.  You need to win the million dollars just to pay for the therapy.  THAT'S WHY THE AMAZING RACE HAS THE WORD AMAZING RIGHT IN THE TITLE, PEOPLE!!

Oh christ on a cracker, Team Goth just finished and Kuunt totally missed a high five with Vyxsin and nearly slapped a bitch.  Little known fact:  Consistently missing high fives is one of the top three reasons why people become Goth. The other two reasons: Attention-starved and Gay. 

Grandpa is now in his underwear, jumping.  Still hasn't made it over the fjord.  The grandson: "That one had promise".  It didn't.

Okay!  The Grandpa finally made it across.  The grandson said, "He made it, showing that frustration and anger pays off in the end".  AMEN, BROTHER.  I've been telling people that for years.

Marianna from Team Motorboat said that she loves track and field and Pole Vault was her main field event.  Ooooh, yeahhhh, I'll bet it was. Who's a naughty girl? 

So much drama from Team Daddy.  I can't even get into it; I'm drained.  Let's just say they should break up and change their phone numbers.

Damn, damn, DAMN!  Team Gay Jesus are officially in last place and have been eliminated.   Man, I love them to death.  So sweet. All reality shows should end with older lesbian clergy kissing.  That'd show the terrorists.

OH.  MY.  BALLS.  The previews for next week show Lorena having the kind of complete break from sanity for which the Amazing Race has become famous.   I am already predicting, based on the previews alone, that she will be giving us this season's catch phrase, "BABY, THERE'S NO MORE MILK!!"  As she's trying to milk a camel. 

Caitlin, if you're reading this (which you aren't), please start making the t-shirts.

Seriously people, call your friends, duct-tape your grandma to the chair, next week's episode is a can't-miss.  DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!!

Just Because I Leave Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You

I've taken time away to perform some critical self-examination of my inner self.  From time to time, one has to do this in order to maintain sanity.  My spirit guide has pulled much from my fragile psyche – deep and painful memories and undeniable truths.  Though the scope of this analysis would take volumes to describe, it can adequately be summarized fairly simply.

All that makes me whole in the world, in order of importance, is the following:

1.    The Amazing Race
2.    Penis (my own)
3.    M&Ms (peanut)
4.    Natalie Portman
5.    Occasional blurry, sasquatch-photography styled glimpses of my wife's boobs

With that in mind, I shall attempt to provide the world with a detailed play-by-play of every episode of the Amazing Race this season.  One would assume that it will serve as the chronicle of record for future generations.  It should be noted that I will be eating M&Ms while typing this.  And also, I am not wearing pants.  None of this should shock regular readers.  As if those exist.

To the Show!!

Let us begin the season with the official Amazing Race Prayer, which I may or may not be making up this very second.

Dear Lord God Phil
Please let Thine Most Divine Majesty
Light the Way for Our Noble Racers
And
As Often As Possible
Cause The Souls of the Wayward and Troubled Travelers
To Turn Black as a Coal Miner's Colon

May Fathers continue to ignore their Daddy-Obsessed Daughters
May Homosexual Life Partners Make Seemingly Innocent Reference To "How Thick The Bush is in South Africa"
May an Estranged Girlfriend Shriek Incoherently
As her Boyfriend Calmly Explains what a Stupid Whore He Believes Her to Be
And Please, Oh Vengeful and Glorious Lord,
Let There Be an Ox.

In Phil's Name we Pray:

Oh My God, I Hate You 

Amen.

We begin in LA, home to all that is righteous and pure.  As in the Divine Comedy, we must take the journey through Hell, beginning here.

Starting at the Playboy mansion.  Classy touch CBS. 

A quick review of the teams:

Kynt and Vyxsin - Goth lovers, as if you couldn't tell by the clever spelling of their names.  Let's hope that in some country in which they are traveling, they are prized for their pelts and shot.  Henceforth known as Kuunt and Suxsyn - Team Aynnoyingg.

Jennifer and Nathan – This boyfriend/girlfriend team shows the most promise for real physical violence.  If you wish hard enough, MAGIC CAN HAPPEN.  He cheated on her, but I'm pretty sure he just slipped on a bad patch of ice and landed in some other woman's vagina.  Totally not his fault and she is right to take him back.  To be called Jen and Nate - Team 273.5a.

Ronald and Christina – Father/Daughter team.  Obligatory daddy-obsessed daughter, this time with Asian spice.  After a certain age, women should not refer to their father as "Daddy" and that age is 12.  An exception can be made if the daughter is really drunk and trying to stay out of rehab.  To be referred to as Ron and Chris - Team Daddy.      

Shana & Jennifer – Even more obligatory Hot Blonde Friends Who Aren't that Hot.  The Amazing Race loves to put marginally hot, bottle-blondes on every season, because this show is seen around the world and we BY GOD have stereotypes to live up to.  Will be called Team Cumdumpster, Shani and Jenni.

Azaria & Hendekea - Brother/Sister team.  They are scientists working in the field of figuring out which one is which. What happened to people named Stan and Betty?  I cannot be bothered to type their whole name each time, especially since there is no way of knowing which name goes with which person.  They will be called Team Science - Beaker M (male) and Beaker F (female).  That can't be how you spell beaker, is it?  YOU SEE HOW THIS KIND OF THING SNOWBALLS!?! 

Lorena and Jason – Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk.  Because it's tricky to put that into actual vows, there is no wedding date set.  Lorena is a crier, I'm calling it right now.  Let's call them Team Fingerbang, Jason and Lorena.  In his high school yearbook, he was voted Most Likely to Be Two Knuckles Deep.

Nicolas & Donald - Grandson/Grandfather.  Donald is essentially being described as an outspoken elderly gentleman, which is code for Racist Coot.  Nicolas is the guy you bring home to your parents, even though you're banging his best friend.  This is true if you're gay or straight.   Nicky and Donny are Team Greatest Generation or Team GG.

Ari & Staella - "Best Friends" and co-workers.  Ari is our resident sassy gay this year. Sorry to out you Ari, but the headband is a bit of a giveaway.  Staella works with him.  My hope is that, in a shocking mid-season twist, Staella turns out to be a man, because it's a MAJOR Amazing Race faux-pas to not have a team of two volcanically gay men.  Team Queen will be Ari and Stella (spell it like everyone else, jackass).

Marianna & Julia - Sisters.  OhmyGODhot Laaateenas.  I can't tell, but based just on cultural stereotypes, I am going to assume they are spicy.   I have nothing bad to say about these two.  Let's hope that AR producers took my suggestion for more topless challenges under advisement.  Mari and Jules are Team Motorboat.  They know why.

Rachel & TK - Couple who have been dating for almost one year.   TK is a dirty hippie and Rachel is delicious.  TK and Rachel are an odd couple, kind of like Bert and Ernie, except for I REALLY want to have sex with Ernie.  I'm not a huge fan of dudes going by initials.  OJ has proven that they usually end up gutting you like a carp.  Something to think about Rachel.  Call me, we can talk it out.  Ernie and DH (Dirty Hippie) are Team Muppet.

Kate & Pat - Gay Clergy.  OKAY!  Now we're talking turkey, people.  You've gotta love lesbians who say, "I'm out of the closet and I'm Jesus-Approved!".  Let's hope these two can take time away from "blessing the chalice" long enough to win a few stages.  You know what I'm saying.  C'moooooonnnnn.  Am I Right?  Alice and Pat will be Team Gay Jesus.  Mostly because you know I'll get Google search links from THAT.

Now, back to the race.

There is something within me that wants to like the Goths, but they're such posers.  The part of me that wants to hate them is just too strong.  I'm really going through the exact opposite situation that Anakin Skywalker went through.  He didn't want to love the Goth Sith, but couldn't help himself.  They had the sassier uniforms. 

Oh Jesus, they just said that the Goth lifestyle is a celebration of Beauty and Art.  PUH-LEAAAZE.  It's a celebration of your desperate attempt to get attention, uglore.  "We're like Real Life Comic Book characters!"  Yeah, except that people like comic book characters.

Ohhh, Jen has "trust issues" with Nate just because he cheated on her.  Well, at least you put your foot down, Jen, and firmly told him that you won't put up with it more than one or two dozen more times.  For his part, Nate says it was the biggest mistake of his life.  One assumes he means the getting caught part and not the sex part.

They actually have the black brother/sister team looking at beakers in their intro.  I think I need to change their name to Team Boring.

Lorena from Team Fingerbang has been waiting three years to get married to Jason.  Keep waiting Lorena, I'm sure he's about to crack.

I just love the term "Gay Clergy".  I'm guessing that my grandma is sitting at home thinking, "Oh, that's nice that they have happy clergy on the show."  They have declared they will be devious to win if necessary, saying they are "Not wimps for Jesus".  AMEN SISTAS!

Flaming gay dude Ari just said that in order to win, he will backstab you.   I don't think that was in doubt.

Team Cumdumpster just said that they will use their bodies however they need to to win.  The shocking revelations continue.

DH is a dirty hippie.  I'm pretty sure Ernie is eyeballing me.

The race consists of 11 legs, for those of you new to the process.  As always, three legs (known only to producers) will be non-elimination.  God, I do love this show. 

I love Phil.

GO!

First stop, everyone has to get a flight to Shannon, Ireland. 

They JUST STARTED and already Chris said, "Alright Daddy!  This is it!"  Ugh.  Creepy.

I really think that Ari might be gay.

Team Motorboat just said they are "loud and verbal".  The mind boggles.

OH GOD, WHICH WAY TO GO TO THE AIRPORT!!?

I would never stereotype Asian drivers, but Team Daddy can't drive.  And can she sit any straighter?  Who drives like that?!??  One senses she doesn't ever want to slouch or she may bring eternal shame upon her father.

Team Boring's Beaker M just sighed and said "...women and directions" after his sister got them lost on the FIRST TURN of the whole game.  I'm sure he'll jury rig up a GPS out of toothpicks and Juicy Fruit.  But boringly so.

AHH!! HURRY AND CATCH THE FLIGHT!! SEATS ARE LIMITED!!  As ALWAYS.

Aer Lingus is best named airline in the world. God willing, they'll team up with Cunard Ocean Liners for a full-service Cunard-Lingus travel package.  And yes, I am copy-writing that joke as we speak.

Team Boring and Team Daddy have aligned to form the most boring and sad alliance ever.  SOMEBODY SLAP SOMEONE!!

DELAYED FLIGHTS!  AMAZING RACE STANDARD!!

Everyone's in Ireland.  They've all got to catch a ferry.  Or maybe it's a faerie.  It's fairly unclear right now. 

SHUT UP YOU DIRTY HIPPIE!! GET A HAIRCUT!!

It's warming to see that Team Gay Jesus enjoy schadenfreude.

Ugh, one of the whores just said that "the Amazing race is a love letter to the planet".  NO, IT ISN'T!!  The Amazing Race is the brutal display of man's delicious inhumanity to man.   Fuck the planet, officially.

The goth team just referred to themselves as little goth Energizer bunnies.  That works for me; I hate the Energizer bunny too.  My hatred just keeps going and going and going...

PRAISE BE TO THE MIGHTY AND GLORIOUS AMAZING RACE.  It has begun.  Nate from Team 273.5a just turned around and yelled at Jen, "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T STAND THIS!  YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON I'VE EVER MET AT THIS!!"  Not even a day in and we can start taking odds.  I'm laying the over/under on 4 episodes before she is tasting the back of his hand.   He just said, "I can't carry your bag the whole way! The other women aren't having any problems!"  She stormed off, "Don't compare me to other girls!!"  Rock solid foundation, built on love, people.

Nathan "loves her so much (baby)".  This race is "the hardest thing she's ever had to do".  After one day, most of which was on an airplane. 

Over a hill now to the next challen...GRANDPA'S DOWN!! REPEAT! GRANDPA'S DOWN!! CHECK FOR SNIPERS!!!

Oh wait, he's up.

Team Cumdumpster are over this damn race.  They just need to hug each other.  For a long time.  Slowly.

The next challenge is "riding a tandem bike up a muddy trail". I did that once in college.  It was an experimental time and this one girl at a bar asked if I wanted to "ride the tandem bike up a muddy trail".  I was young.  It was the 90s.

Emotions are "uncontrollable" all of the sudden.  Lorena is a friggin' WRECK.  Oop, her head just expoded.

Lorena is worried Team Fingerbang aren't communicating.  Which they aren't because she's a whiny whore.

That Dirty Hippie is high RIGHT NOW.  GET A JOB!

Ooooo - the chain broke on the Goths' bike.  Now they have to push it.  Push it real good.

ROAD BLOCK – High wire bike.  They have to ride a specially rigged bicycle across a wire while the teammate hangs below them, over a gorge.  I'm not doing the description justice.  It's making my palms sweaty just watching.  I'm not a big "heights" person.  No, thank you.  My ass is at clench factor 50.

Goth Chick will not look down.  Goths don't look down.  That's just what "The Man" wants.

One of the idiots from Team Cumdumpster just said, "let's not harp on things".  IN IRELAND.  Harp.  Ireland.  You can't script this stuff, people.

DH is in first place.  He thinks he's actually flying.  Whoa, man, this is totally cosmic. 

Onto a challenge with donkeys and peat.  That's a smell combo that Tide isn't going to get out anytime soon.  At least we've fulfilled our livestock quotient for this week.

Nate and Jen really are in love.  No wait, I mean the opposite of that.

Donkey just took out a fence.  Awesome.  RUNAWAY DONKEY!!

Nate and Jen's donkey will destroy them both.  It just won't move.  "I don't know what's wrong with him..."  Unsure if Jen is talking about the donkey or Nate.

Nathan's about to cry.  He says this is the most miserable thing that he's done in his life.  Not loving the donkey situation, these two.

HOLY SHIT!! The pit stop for this leg of the race is where I stayed when we were in Ireland!  IT'S LIKE I WON THE AMAZING RACE!!  Only not.

The Dirty Hippie is not so much with the directions.

Donkey will cost Nate the race.

Team Boring wins this leg of the race.  They throw their pocket protectors up carefully in joy.  And for being first, they win a trip to Canada.  Perfect!  If there's one thing I know about black people, it's that they love a good Canadian vacation.

Team Daddy have this episode's Very Special Moment:  They are both so worried about letting each other down and the daughter says, "You never disappoint me" to daddy.  He said, "Thank you. What was your name again?"  KIDDING!

Oh god, now the dad is getting weepy.  Says he didn't want to disappoint her.  Everyone hug and shut the hell up already.

Ari is going to kill his donkey.  And that's not even a euphemism for anything.

Nate and Jen FINALLY get their donkey moving and slip in at #10 out of 11 teams.  Thank Christ.  I need these two in the race. 

Ari and Stella are last.  So much for the sassy gay.  Stella says that this time on the race has "brought them closer, if that's even possible".  Well, yes Stella, it would be possible if you had a cock.  You are a terrible hag.  TERRIBLE!

Okay!  That's it for the AR Season Premiere!!  If I haven't ruined my fingers from typing this 3,000 page summary, I may even write about OTHER stuff this week.  I know you're thrilled.