We Sure Are Cute for Two Ugly People

Dude, I know.  Two weeks of no Amazing Race coverage is like the goddamned End Times.  I shall gently place my balls on a gilded silver platter for thou to suck.  It was the holidays, CBS can't show a television show at the time slot in which it's scheduled, I'm like 103 pounds overweight and I don't shave anymore.  So, PERSPECTIVE, bitches.

Here's what you need to know: Two weeks ago, on Christmas Eve Eve, nobody was eliminated because of Jesus's birthday or some shit, I don't know.  The episode was lame and I likely wouldn't have written about it even if I wasn't five fists deep in Puppy Chow.  People missed planes and then caught up and then everyone sighed a big heavy WHEW!  So, you know, VASTLY different from every other goddamned week.

Last week, I didn't even watch at all because, hell, I was too drunk to even know the day, let alone the time, and that's why God invented TiVo for shows that RUN ON TIME (fuck CBS in the ear).  From the written recap on CBS.com (which doesn't even have past episodes of AR online, but sure as fuck can post David fucking Caruso squinting his way through another hot Miami bloodbath), I have determined that the Goths fucked up big time and got themselves eliminated.  I know the Goths were the favorites of several of you, but let's face it, the prize money would've only gone to a mound of crystal meth and Cure remixes.  That's no good for anyone.

So here we are with four teams left.  I think there's one more non-elimination leg left, which I assume will be tonight, before the teams go to final three.  Let us all say a little prayer right now (DO IT!) that Nathan and Jen make the final three and then are beaten at the very last second for first place in the finale, so that we can witness a murder/suicide on reality television.  Jesus answers only the most obscure prayers.

I see we're starting this leg in Mumbai, which used to be Constantinople, but that's nobody's business but the Turks.  Or something.  The point is, I'm suspicious that I've missed the requisite complaining from the teams about how bad it smells and how there's cows buying Prada bags in the streets.  Someone feel free to update me if I missed out last week.  In terms of cleanliness, Mumbai is truly the Bombay of India.

It appears that the Hippies have stumbled their way into first, which is good news considering that I would rather lose my wee-wee-wee toe than see any of the other teams win. 

The racers must begin this leg by making their way to Osaka to me, Japan.  Heads up, I will continue to not be able to pronounce names of any locations in that country either.  If there's one thing the Amazing Race has taught us, it's that most countries don't have the common courtesy to name their cities and roads after American Presidents.  Shameful.

Just as a brief update on the state of mind of Team Hippie:  Anorexic Hippy loves her hairy boyfriend.  And for his part, he loves being able to identify what she had for lunch just based on the outline of her stomach.  Most of the time it's a children's aspirin. 

We've been informed that racers have received $414 for this leg of the race.  No idea why; we all know it's inconsequential.

Gramps from Team Greatest Generation is having tough time keeping up with his young whippersnapper of a grandson.  I guess I kind of like this team too.   I'm suspicious that Gramps is mildly racist, but hey, everyone knows once you turn 60 you're allowed to hate people based on color of skin, religion and length and fit of ones pants.  It's what makes being old worthwhile.  That and the sponge baths.

Gramps is excited about Japan.  He says when he was in the service he wanted to go there.  To kill people, one assumes?  Let's hope someone has told him the war is over or this leg could get dicey.  Wait, I've done the math here and he wasn't even 10 during WWII, so maybe he's not looking to go after the Emperor or whatever they did in the Great War.

On Team Daddy, the dysfunction continues.  Luckily, for this leg of the race we learn that Sissy has spent time in Japan learning Japanese.  Let's hope that prevents Daddy from striking her for being stupid.  Although I'm SURE everything will be alright now, because Daddy has admitted that he is wrong in the way he treats her.  He doesn't want to beat her, but sometimes she just provokes him, is what I'm hearing.  Please forgive him.

Ugh, Nate and Jen kissed to begin this leg.  Jen says their biggest obstacle to overcome is DO what they SAY they're going to do.  And, obviously, not murder one another in their sleep.  They're shiny-happy all of the sudden and it makes me want to punch them even more.

Great!  In order to get airline tickets, the teams have to deal with Indian customer support IN INDIA, and face to face appears to be better than any of the phone support I ever get.  I'm pretty sure that phone accent is fake. 

For some reason, a four star general delivered the airline tickets to Team Hippie.  Was the guy auditioning for a Michael Jackson video or what? If you saw the episode, you know what I mean.  What the hell?  When Casual Friday comes to that country, the shit will hit the fan, yo.

Daddy is arguing with the agent and Sissy, differentiating between direct and non-stop.  I'm sure this is a critical point, and I'm sure I don't know why.  Direct and non-stop are the same, as far as I know.  Maybe the shit is different in India.  She scolds him in a different language, which is just funnier.  I see that whole resolution to be a better Daddy lasted all of about 5 milliseconds.

When the Hippies get to the airline counter, they ask, "Has there been anyone like us here yet?".  Uh, NO, there are no other skeletons or white Rastafarians popping about.   

Jesus, STILL with the Who's Your Daddy shirts?  PLEASE STOP. 

Now Daddy says, "I would like to be a father than could change overnight, but BLAH BLAH BLAH, this race is a tense situation."  Yes, we all know it is a long and difficult road back from being an asshole. 

That Mumbai to Osaka flight doesn't look like it's too much fun.  What is that, about 800 hours?

Hippies are on a totally different flight than everyone else, leaving first, stopping 3 times.  They appear to be worried. Could be way out in front, could be dead last.

Okay, well, it's immediately obvious that they are screwed.  All other teams come in on the flight ahead of them.  I don't know what the hell happened that made them think they were on a better flight that made THREE DAMN STOPS.

This episode is very Team Greatest Generation focused.  Gramps says, "Nick is quite strong, he carries my bag, he's like a bitch for me".  Which is so true and also quite funny.  So maybe Gramps can be a racist and a misogynist.  Good for him.

Nate and Jen are first from the airport.

I have a feeling that being able to speak Japanese may help JUST A TAD during this leg.  Expect big things from Team Daddy.

Gramps thinks Japan is a clean and wonderful country.  He's right, it looks pretty amazing.

Nobody knows where the Hippies are, but Daddy's gut feel is that the Hippies are behind them.  And he's got a hernia, so I guess we should trust his gut? 

Gramps says, "Anything is possible on the race!", to which Nick says, "Man, that's so cliche".  Someone had to say it.

Teams must find a train station cleaning man.  THAT'S exciting AR.  Jesus, this show really starts to lag in the later episodes.  Let's hope there is a runaway bus SOMEWHERE in Osaka.

Gramps is worried about Sissy, because she speaks Japanese (he assumes) and she's from "some big falutin' college".  It's Princeton and yes, their motto is "We're Pret' Damn High Falutin', Ya'll.  Come On Down and Study a Spell!"

Thing that you did not know before tonight:  Japanese cabs have crazy fancy side view mirrors.

Why the hell are Jen and Nate so happy all of the sudden?  What kind of Indian Poppies did the Hippies share with them?

The first task - Become a Japanese taxi driver. 

Man, being a Japanese cabbie is like being royalty or some shit.  The career hierarchy in the Japanese class system: Cab Driver, Karaoke Singer, Doctor, Hello Kitty Collector, General Businessman.  Make a note.

Jen has to take time out to see how hot she is in the taxi cab hat they're making her wear.  Oddly, the mirror does not show her reflection.

Daddy continues to be supportive, as his daughter is doing the taxi driving task: "Christina is not very good at driving, she doesn't have a very good sense of direction."  Oh well, you know women.

This task will suck.  They can't take a local with them for directions and Japan is strangely a mass of one way streets.  Let's hope they mean one way in different directions and not all in the SAME direction, because that would make things considerably more difficult.

Sissy says that she only uses public transport.  She not doing a ton for the reputation of Asian female drivers, who are normally impeccable drivers.  (cough)

Jen is bummed because everything in Japan is in Japanese.  The NERVE of them.

After much hassle, Jen completes the task and is moving on to a 16th century Buddhist temple.

Jen is excellent at communicating to their new cab driver, who does not speak a lick of English, "We are in a - LOOK AT ME!!! (pointing to her eyes) - we are in a RACE!"  As she's saying this, she's swinging her arms like Jesse Owens in the '36 Olympics. 

Nick is lost and mixed up.  It's easier to land a plane than it is to drive in Osaka, according to him.  But could he drive a plane in Osaka?  That is not known.  He's stuck dead in the middle of traffic, causing a jam.  Do the Japanese swear and wish you a horrible, painful death when you screw up traffic or is that a wonderfully American trait?  Or is that a wonderful ME trait?

All teams have about finished the first task just as the hippies arrive in Osaka.  If this isn't a non-elimination leg, the Hippies are totally screwed here.

Nate cannot listen to Jen and WATCH someone drive at the same time.  He's got the brain of a squirrel.  You can really see the hatred in her eyes for him there, like she's thinking, "I wonder what the laws are for pushing someone out of a moving cab in Japan?"

Daddy and Sissy's cab driver is about 29 seconds from dying, just to make things interesting.  He's wheezing like an old Asian cabbie.  Oh, THAT'S where that expression comes from!

Next stop - Sense of Touch verses Sense of Smell.  Teams can either try to control robots to score a soccer goal by cell phone or search for one real flower among about a billion fake flowers just on smell alone.  It is as dumb as it sounds and I'm really starting to hate this leg of the race.

Jen says that she "frickin' has the nose of bloodhound", so they will smell their way through some flowers.  She can smell Nate cheating just by sniffing his two week old underwear, so she's hoping the skill translates. 

Team Daddy is going for Smell too.  Team GG is going for Robots.

Gramps says, "Son of a bitch!  I'm not very good at this because I don't do video games."  Except for the whole part where this is robots and cell phones, he's got a good point.

As they are smelling their way along, Nate yells at Jen, "Would you just be quiet and smell?  All I hear you doing is talking!"  He wants to hear more smelling, I guess?  Fucking squirrel brain. 

Gramps and Nick have to score a robotic goal a piece.  Don't make me explain, I'm very tired.

Nate and Jen are in first.  They found the flower because of her bloodhoundedness.  She is a bitch, after all.

Daddy tells Sissy to SHUT UP! after she whispers that she found the flower.  He's really pushing hard for Father of The Year.

Though Jen and Nate were first, Sissy and Daddy find a taxi to the pit stop first.  Jen is not happy. FINALLY.  It's just not worth watching if she's going to be in a good mood.

Jen keeps doing that damn arm flailing motion thing to indicate they're in a race.  I don't think that's a universal symbol. 

As they find a cab, Nate pushes Jen into the back seat so they can get going:

"I cannot believe you just friggin' pushed me!"

"I DIDN'T PUSH YOU."

"That could cost us."

"NO, IT COULDN'T! Just be positive!"

Ah, young love in Japan.  Such a beautiful sight.

Sissy and daddy are first to the Pit Stop because they got a cab.  And they won electric vehicles, which are not described in any way, shape or form which I guess means that some kind of sponsorship fell through or something?  I don't know. Sissy says that Daddy didn't lose his temper once this leg, NOT ONCE.  Except when he did.  How soon they forget the direct vs. non-stop arguments of yore.

Nate and Jen are #2.  According to Jen, IT IS ON.  Before it was not on.  Now, ON. 

Nate (with tremendous confidence):  "The best team is going to finish last, and that's going to be Jen and I.   Uh, I mean, finish the last leg first."  Jen looks at him like he's fucking mentally retarded.

Nick and Gramps are in third.

Jesus, Gramps will be 69 in a few weeks.  Good for that old fucker.

So the Hippies are WAAAAYY behind everyone, in last.  Of course, the Dirty Hippie says, "I'm not going to allow myself to freak out about anything..." 

And of course, none of it matters because it turns out that this is the last non-elimination leg, as I said.  The Hippies are in last place, three hours behind all other teams, plus they have a "speed bump" which is an extra task in the next leg.  Probably won't make a damn bit of difference.

So, next week it's four teams racing to determine who will be in the final push for the Grand Finale. They better step the shit up with an ox or something next week, or I'm gonna be pissed.

Comments

[Josh Orozco]

Did you watch Juno?

[patricia]

If the father and daughter team win I swear on all that is holy (which is basically porn and chocolate) that I will not watch another season of Amazing Race.

Also, we all know the above is a lie (well, except for the porn thing) because I? am AR's bitch. Stupid show, even when it sucks I can't quit it.

And, Juno rocks.

[Kim]

I'm surprised it took this long for Jen & Nate to resort to physical violence. I'm waiting for her head to spin around on her shoulders if they come in second AGAIN. That would be good tv.

[Trevor]

My smarter half says Nate and Jen are an argument for karma. They'll finish second every leg of the race until the end because it's that much more torturous. When they couldn't get a cab and Team Daddy edged ahead, she simply nodded and said, As it should be.

[teahouseblossom]

Yeah, I've had it with the stupid "Who's Your Daddy" shirts too. My theory is that he has only one, and he wears it for the ENTIRE race. Pee-yew. Bad old Asian man body odor.

[patricia]

he actually has the shirt in different colors, which in my mind makes it worse because that means this man planned this shit. i'm guessing he thought it would be funny. it's not. someone please tell him that.

[Trevor]

"Darnit!" or maybe: "Subway subway subway!"

That's all.

[Lindsey]

i am eagerly awaiting your comments on this weeks episode...priceless moments with nate and jen. priceless.

[Dominique]

Thanks for the excellent review!
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