Please God, Let It End Already

I now remember why I don't do these reviews every season of the AR.  A season appears to never end.

HOWEVER, we are getting close and one assumes a righteous God will strike down one or all of these competitors in a glorious blaze of justice.  Or maybe nothing quite that graphic, but at the very least, let us hope Daddy turns an ankle. 

Tonight promises to mercifully get us down to the final three teams, who will then race to the finish in next week's season finale.

Let's just jump right in...

The Hippies are WAY in last after last week's major debacle with their flight.  They aren't stressed, however and I think we all know why.  I speak, of course, of the Guatemalan Green Grass Mojumbo.  See, the great thing about pot is that you can make up completely plausible variations in seconds!  I mean, that's ONE of the great things about pot.

Though Nate and Jen wanted to be first, wanting doesn't always get you there.  I am having one of those spiritual moments when I look back on their race, where I think there just might be a God after all, for he maketh the truly annoying cunts to suffer (Corinthians 9:19).

We are reminded that this week will include a speed bump for Hippies.  That means they'll be even further behind at some point.  But, you know what?  This is the Amazing Race and they LOVE to let teams catch up or it's not much of a race.

Okay, we're off!

Sissy says Daddy is trying harder.  I don't buy it.  If you have to try SO HARD to stop being an asshole, then is it really going to work?  That's what they teach you at AA. 

This race day just happens to be Jen's birthday, which I'm sure means she expects to be treated like a princess and have her pubes braided by midgets or something.  She has informed us that now the race IS ON! They are not playing the "nice Jen and Nate" anymore.  Wait, they were playing the NICE Jen and Nate?  When was that exactly?

Teams are on their way to the first clue.  Ah, of course.  The teams arrive at the first clue to discover that the building doesn't open until 10:00 a.m., which will conveniently allow the Hippies to catch up.  I never buy this bullshit, because that's not the permanent sign for that building, it's put there by AR producers to change the outcome of the game.  Which I guess is okay, because I like Team Hippie.

Gramps is sad because he can't run as fast.  He should be eligible to be pushed in a wheelchair, that old bastard. 

Teams find out that they have to fly to Taipei. 

Sissy speaking Japanese sure is a nice perk.  Anyone else think it's more than a little unfair that they speak the language of the location of two of the final legs of the race?  I mean, c'mon, getting a cab alone has to take five minutes less when you can TELL THE DRIVER WHERE YOU WANT TO GO.

Nick and Gramps from Team GG are spunky.  Nick just said, "We've been playing the game like bitches so far and so has everyone else".  He's disgusted with the lackluster competition.  Yeah, so is the viewing audience, Nick.  If it wasn't for Jen and Nate, we all would've killed ourselves by now.

I don't honestly believe that Nate thinks Taiwan is home to Thai people and food.  That has to be a joke.  He may be an asshole, but he's not that stupid, I hope to Christ.

The Hippies continue to be slowed by the fact that the entire world is totally in slow motion right now, dude.

Jen's special day is off to a roaring start, as Nate says something about what a snatch she is and she replies, "I can't believe you're going to be this mean to me on my birthday, I didn't even do anything".  This is the problem with people that are chronic morons.  They don't HAVE to DO anything, because their mere existence justifies any animosity. 

Team Daddy is on the first flight to Taiwan, then Team GG and Nate and Jen are on a second flight.  Hippies are on a third flight, which can't bode well for their chances.  It's not that much later of a flight, however, so we'll see.

Well, there you have it, the Hippies caught up at immigration at the airport in Taipei.  Basically, all teams but Team Daddy are tied for second.

Jen is particularly upset with Team Hippie this week.  She doesn't feel that their existence, either in life or the race, is justified.  She says she "wants to rip the dreads out" of the head of the Hippie King.

According to Daddy, "trains in Japan run like German clockwork".  And German cars run like Japanese massage parlors. Always a happy ending.

Nate and Jen better be in the final three.  They are the only personality left on the show.  Granted, it's the personality of a wolverine with erectile dysfunction, but still.  Mean, sad and frustrated is better than nothing.

The first road block is insane and I'm not even going to explain it, because if you're not watching by now, that's your OWN DAMN FAULT.  But take my word for it, it was awesome.  It involved people almost pooping their pants in fear.

Team GG seems to hate the Hippies too.  They want to shave some hippie beard.

Daddy looked terrified on the car roadblock thingie there.  It's always amusing to see people in genuine terror.

Oh Christ.  The Amazing Race is officially trying to turn The Redemption of Daddy into the story of the season.  This only points to the fact that they will probably win the whole thing, because then they can say, Wow, this team really overcame its problems and deserved to win.  WELL FUCK OFF!  I'm not buying it.  He's an asshole and that won't change.  Don't insult my intelligence AR, I've got a tenuous enough hold on reality as it is.  Plus, his t-shirts are unforgivable.

Jen got caught on camera picking her butt, for those of you paying attention.

Nate laughs like a dorkwad.  A cross between Horseshack and a dying llama.

The aforementioned Speed Bump challenge for Team Hippie involves fireworks madness.  Again, not gonna explain.  There are fireworks and there is madness.  You play with the visual in your mind.

Gramps, during the car Road Block, "I hope the fuckin' brakes work in this thing".  That's pretty much exactly what I would've been screaming.

Is it just me, or is EVERYONE pronouncing Taipei wrong?  Have I been wrong all my life?  It is Tie Pay, isn't it?  Not Tap Eye?  Fucking world with its different cultures and languages.

Jen tried begging from the bottom of her heart.  As if she has a heart.

Team GG, Team Hippie and Nate and Jen are all on the same train to the next task and Jen is stressing.

Jen, "I just don't understand why we're working so hard.  TK and Rachael (Team Hippie) are just slacking off".  Ah, but you forget that they aren't total cuntballs.

Looks like a foregone conclusion that Team Daddy are gonna be in first.

Jen is still stressed as they get off the train, "This is the most intense part of the race, right here".  One of these three teams will be eliminated like a bad Mexican burrito.

Nate is, as always, sympathetic, "We don't want to go out on Jenny's birthday".  Oh, it's Jenny now?

How is it fair that Sissy can read Japanese when the task involves learning to read Japanese?  Anyone?

Time for the Detour - Fire or Earth.

Fire is lighting Japanese Sky Lanterns (20).  Lame-O.

Earth - Teams must walk down a 220 foot path made of protruding stones, barefoot, and then return on the same path.  The stones look a little painful to walk on, hence the challenge.

Team Daddy completes the Earth challenge, no problem.  They are rock solid at #1.

Team Hippie is doing the Earth challenge next, though well behind Team Daddy.

Jen continues to stress out.

Japanese people do add a nice comic touch to the English language.  Find a cow?  A clown?  A crow? 

Sissy is beaming as the arrive at the Pit Stop in first.  She can't believe how close her and her Daddy are now.  WHATEVER!!!  I'm now  actively rooting against them.  It's not a coincidence that they're getting along better the last two weeks - THEY'VE BEEN IN FIRST THE LAST TWO WEEKS!!  What's to fight about??!?

Nate and Jen were told by a local to take the subway to the next challenge.  They're the only team doing that, so it could definitely be a mistake as all remaining teams are pretty much tied.  Neither is confident in the subway decision.

Jen, to Nate, "You need to step up and make the decisions.  You're the man."

Nate, "Honestly Jen, I can't stand you.  All you do is freak out.  You're a fucking trip.  You're the one who got us into this mess!"  By which he means, the race, the relationship and the subway decision.  "I can't believe you.  You're such a poor teammate."

Jen, now with the guilt trip, "Thanks for ruining my birthday.  All I asked was for you to be nice to me today."

"I don't think that's possible."

Can I tell you how delicious this argument is?  This is what all reality TV should be - the honest hatred that exists within a relationship, exposed.  Also, he should've called her a slut, just for the hell of it.

The Dirty Hippie is doing well on the Earth walking challenge - "The faster you go, the less it hurts."  Just like sex.

Back to Nate and Jen arguing in the middle of the street in downtown Tapeye, Jen says, "We need to stay positive right now."  Yeah, she's the expert on THAT.

Nate is having trouble on the stone path.  Jen says, ""You can do it, just be light on your toes."  As a 250 pound man, I can tell you that "being light on your toes" is much easier in theory than practice.

Oh shit, it comes down to this - teams are having a tough time getting a taxi again. 

Team Hippie in second!

Skeleton Hippie; "Anybody who says we haven't been trying - we've been trying out best the whole time".

Team GG in third!

"Nate and Jen, I'm sorry to tell you you're the last team to arrive".

Jen and Nate are elimiNated!  Nated. Get it?

Just as Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, Nate shouts, "Awwwww,  Fuuuuuuuuu...dge".

And now the moment we never saw coming, Jen says, "I think we killed our relationship on the race."  What?  No shit?  That's crazy talk.

Nate's crying like a little bitch.  Jen hugs him...aaaannnnnd scene.

SEASON FINALE NEXT WEEK!! TUNE IN FOR THE MADNESS.

Comments

[patricia]

If they've been trying so hard and yet they're not winning and the Hippies, in Jen's opinion, are barely trying and still in it, doesn't that then mean that, well, Jen sucks the big one and not in the good way? Obviously the Hippies have natural talent. That or they just manage to coast on pot fumes.

I know Jen and Nate make for more interesting viewing, but come on, being eliminated on her birthday? Classic. Plus, you just know her head will explode if the Hippies manage to win the million dollars. That's worth a boring moment or two.

[Debbie]

I like your write-ups. Taipei is in Taiwan though, and they speak Chinese there, not Japanese.

[Kim]

Easily the best show on TV. And not just because there's a writer's strike and their only competion is ballroom dancing etc...........

[AmyChop]

if only i watched this show...

[stephatto]

I stumbled across this post and laughed myself silly. It almost makes me wish I watched AR.