Sometimes Love Isn't Enough. But Hate Always Is.

We've all been there, haven't we?  The first heated flush of love rushing through our bodies, shooting thoughts and desires to every tip of our being?  You never want the feeling to fade.  It's breathtaking, like a sunset made entirely of kittens.

Then one day you realize that this amazingly perfect person is a whining whore and/or a moronic dickface.  It's a bit of a downer, yes, but let's face it, inevitable.  Because, god love us, we're all a pain in the ass to be around. 

The real trick to ensuring that this realization doesn't put you into years of therapy or bunny strangulation is to attempt to make the break-up amicable.  In other words, you have to force yourself to say to the other person, "Hello person with whom I've swapped bodily fluids.  I honor our time together, but I must now take my leave of you, for you have bovine excrement for brains."

I mean, that's one way to go.  Or you can tell the person that you hate them with a passion on a five-time Emmy award winning television show, while pretending to paddle a tiny little boat in a huge sea on the other side of the world as several million people laugh at your pain.

And that's the promise of this week, as Jen from Team 273.5a looks to be reaching the pinnacle of her hatred for her boyfriend, Nate.  It's a hatred that appears to have been building roughly since the moment he put his dong in some other girl's ding.  Though to be fair to Jen, I'm pretty sure she's always been an annoying gash, so let's not sell that hatred short.

The two annoying blondes from Team Cumdumpster are gone after getting eliminated last week, but don't cry for them.  They're probably happy to be back at their days jobs, banging their molars with flesh mambas. 

This week begins in Vilnius at some really old windmill.  Probably because the last leg totally blew.  See what I did there?

"Will Nate be able to change his behavior under stress?"  On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to guess, NO.  Do ANY of us EVER change our behavior under stress?  Here's a little clue to several of you feisty gals out there: If your male life-companion at some point punches the fridge because SOMEONE forgot to get fucking HAM today, then chances are good that he's not real good under stress and probably won't be changing any time in the next 60-80 years.  You may want to look into alternate forms of dick.   

The Hippies won last week and received a trip to Japan, where the Dirty Hippie says he's been wanting to go for 4 years.  My guess is that he wants to train with ninjas and shit.  Pot smoking ninjas.  Pot smoking ninjas that are into Floyd.  Totally, dude.  Totally.

The first stop in this leg of the race is Croatia!  It's my personal favorite country that sounds like an erectile dysfunction medication.   "Try Croatia, it's got the power to keep you up all night, but your girlfriend won't mind!" (wink at camera).

They have to head to the Fort of St. Lawrence in Dubrovnik, Croatia.  I've heard that there's a TON of Larrys in Croatia, so this makes perfect sense.   Patron saint of inappropriate scratching, St. Larry, if I remember my bible history correctly.

The Dirty Hippie reiterates their strategy as, "We're just trying to be cool and stay into keeping a mellow head", to which his skeletonous female hippie companion replies, "That's healthy and good for our state of mind."  Bro.  Brooooooo.  Righteous.

Kuunt from Team Goth is all rambunctious.  Says he wants the honor of hearing Phil say that they are team #1.  First things first, skippy.  How 'bout you just don't finish last, mkay?

Once again, Daddy from Team Daddy is criticizing Sissy.  Please reference my earlier thoughts on trying to get a man to change his behavior under stress.  Daddy is an asshole, always has been, always will be. 

At the airport ticket counter, Daddy is very nice to the agent, trying to get information from her. Sissy whispers to him, "See how nice you are to her?  You should be that nice to me."  So now Sissy is jealous of a European ticketing agent.  Healthy. 

The Hippies are kinda trying to work with the Goths because they feel comfortable with each other's unique personality quirks.  By which I mean that freak shows work better when you have both The Bearded Lady and The Woman Who Never Eats.  Puts butts in the seats, that show.

Is it racist that I can't see myself feeling comfortable on either Czech Airlines nor Polish Air?  I bet they have fun in the cockpit of Czech Airlines though:

"Flaps?"

"Czech!"

"Electrical?"

"Czech!"

"Hydraulics?"

"Czech!"

I heard that Polish Air doesn't let people recline their seats because the pilot wonders where everyone is going.

Jen from Team 273.5a is excited for Croatia.  However, she says that she "looks back with regrets because they've fought so much."  As far as them being together in the end, "the rest of the race will determine whether or not that happens."  I, for one, don't need to wait quite that long.  It's like sitting on a life raft of the Titanic and saying, "I'll bet that shuffleboard gets canceled tomorrow, but let's wait and see."

Beaker F says she used to have a roommate who spoke Croatian, so she knows how to say some things, like, "there's a party in my pants."  Her brother says, "hopefully we can get a few dollars with that."  I would personally attend that party, if invited.

There is a ton of airport drama again, as we await the results of the ever-exciting ticket purchasing process.  Most teams are in line, waiting for one of the airlines to open for business.  Vyxsin asks Kuunt, "Why is everyone in line?", to which he replies, "because they're sheep."  He's such a poseur, it's embarrassing.  He probably wants to slap himself, because he embodies so much of what he hates.  That is the eternal paradox of The Goth.  It's a hard-knock life, I'll tell you what.

UGH!  I'm so sick of airport drama.  I know it's tense and everything, but it's getting old. 

As part of the drama, Daddy and Kuunt get into a little hissy fit with each other, but I really don't have the energy to describe people getting upset about airlines.  People are getting into lines, and leaving lines, blah-blah-blah.  Everyone wants to get SOME flight, ANY flight to Croatia.  People start to lose their heads a little when they're not sure if they can get a flight out, because you don't want to lose The Amazing Race at an airport.  It's one of the many reason why I couldn't be in The AR, because I'm the guy that gets pissed about the ham.

Ah, the Hippies stuck to the plan, man.  Don't get out of line, that's what The Man WANTS you to do.

Beaker M is about to get physical with his sister, Beaker F.  "Don't give me the attitude, okay?  Do you understand that?" as he lays an arm across her shoulder, whispering.  It cracks me up that these people forget all about the friggin' MICROPHONES THEY ARE WEARING!  This was actually a really creepy and ominous exchange.  Dude's got anger issues.  Also, he's a serious asshole.

Okay, so the teams aren't allowed to book business class tickets, only economy.  However, in some kind of mix-up, the Beakers got business class.  By the time they tried to get the tickets exchanged, the flight was booked and gone.  This would normally cost them the race, but it's probably a non-elimination leg.  Of course, I ALWAYS think that.

Okay, there's even MORE airport drama - half the episode - but I'm not getting into it.  Feel free to fill in details in the comments if you're so inclined.

Long story short, there were four flights total that would eventually get into Croatia.  Nate and Jen are in first. 

Croatia is getting some awesome tourism advertising here, what a beautiful place. "We have never seen a view like this," says Jen, who has seen most of Southern California, so she knows of what she speaks.

Road Block - Racers must help out with rebuilding Dubrovnik walls damaged by war, which basically consists of finding a rock that matches a hole in a wall.

Daddy and Sissy are first to the task. Daddy says, "This is harder than I think it is."  Yeah, it really looks like it's..wait, what?

Next up, teams take a tandem zip line from the top of the Fort to the next clue.  Daddy says, "Are you sure this is safe?  I just ate - I might just throw up my lunch."  It looks like an amazing experience, but man, it would give me poopy pants.

Detour - Short and Long or Long and Short.  Teams can either repel a stone wall and then climb a rope ladder up another stone wall (Croatians invented stone walls, apparently) and then have to find their way through town OR do another tandem zip line to water and then row fishing boats to the next clue.  The rowboats are a harder physical task but shorter distance.  Did Phil just say it requires physical prowESS?  Phil, why are you pronouncing it like that?  Hell, if Phil said it that way, it's probably right. 

Jen is still back yelling to Nate about trying to place stone blocks in the wall, "Just fit it in every hole, okay?  It's just like Tetris!"  This is not the first time she's screamed this to Nate.

Nate and Jen are doing boats, we know THAT.  They're also excited about the zip line.

Daddy and Sissy do the boats too, but they sure as HELL don't know how to row.  It's like watching chimps on a typewriter there. Jesus.

Back to Nate and Jen.  Keep in mind that they are both armed with wooden oars, so things could reach a deliciously painful level.

Nate: "I have no idea how to row a boat.  Can I just try to figure this out without you YAPPING IN MY EAR every second??"

Jen:  "You're the meanest person I've ever met sometimes. You're not even trying!" 

Nate: "I am trying!!!"

Jen: "If you could just be a gentleman and say, 'HEY, could you just do it this way, Jennifer?'"

Nate: "HEY, how about you just paddle and we stop discussing this?!?"

Jen (yelling):  "Why aren't you paddling?"

Nate (yelling):  "Because every time I paddle, we go..."

Jen:  "Why are you yelling at me??"

Nate:  "We have to go out and around, we can't just go into the ROCKS!"

Jen:  "I hate you.  I hate you.  I'm never going to be with you ever again.  I hate you with a passion."

Just to be clear - Jen is no longer the president of Nate's fan club.  In fact, she burned down the clubhouse.  The clubhouse in Crazytown.

As Nate tries to get out of the boat, once they make it to shore, he nearly tips it over with Jen in it.  To which she says, "Very graceful, Nate."  She's supportive, in a passively aggressive bitch way.

Kuunt just called Vyxsin his "little pink kitten" and I vomited and missed about five minutes of whatever was happening. 

Everyone has to make it to the Stone Cross at the top of city, which is the check-in for this leg of the race. 

Of course, Kuunt has a tougher time with the wall than Vyxsin.  She cheers him on, "You're like a little goth action hero!"  Yeah, he is.  All smooth in the front, just like a G.I. Joe action figure.

Nate and Jen are actually in first after all of that, but a taxi won't take them to the top of the hill because they're wet.  The irony, of course, is that this is the first time Jen has been wet in her life. Daddy and Sissy get THE SAME taxi, even though they're wet too.  This displeases Jen.  To the point where she has HER Amazing Race Defining Moment as her brain pops and slithers out her ear.

Nate:  "Jen it's okay, we just need to find a taxi.  It's okay."

Jen:  "No, it's not okay, our relationship sucks! I'm so miserable." 

And then she has the tell-tale guttural scream and starts crying and wailing.  It's the complete regression into madness that we've come to love from the AR.  I laughed out loud.  Giddy is an accurate description of my mood.

Nate:  "Please stop crying.  You're gonna cry because we can't get a car in five minutes?"

Jen:  "That's not why I'm crying!!"  See, she's crying because realizing that you're an annoying carp-mouthed whore is somewhat jarring. 

Here is what I now know about Croatia:

1.  Cures erectile dysfunction

2.  Beautiful seaside views

3.  Croatians like to fire off guns right next to your ears.

Daddy and Sissy win a catamaran for being in first place for this leg of the race. 

Nate yells HOLY SHIT when the gun goes off, pretty much in his face.  The Croatians know how to party, man.

Nate and Jen were second, but they didn't take a taxi to get to the top of the hill, they asked a civilian driver to take them.  Phil says they need to go back to the bottom of the hill and get a taxi and come BACK up before they can officially check in.  You can imagine about how well THAT went over with them.  Phil is lucky that Jen didn't pull his eyeballs out when he wished them luck.

Nate:  "This is just the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae that's already melted."

Jen says, "Hurry, the last team to check in may be eliminated".  She says it in the cuntiest way possible.  I don't like to use such filthy language, but it's really the only way to describe her tone, and don't tell me you don't know what I mean.  It was cunty.  Her tone was cunty.  I stand by my statement.

Jen is crying again.  "I can't deal with any of this any more.  I don't want to be here anymore."  Let's hope she means the planet Earth and not the show.

Kuunt and Vyxisin swoop in at #2.

The Hippies are back working their way through the zip line. 

Jen analyzes her relationship for the cameras... "As far as our relationship goes, it's unpredictable.  Our relationship is so up and down. It may be too late. We've been through a lot."  This is the very, very long way of saying that she is going to cut off Nate's penis while he's sleeping.

The Hippies are back chillin' on the repel line.  Slow and easy tortoises.   

Team Greatest Generation and the Beakers are in a fight for last place, mostly due to really crappy flight issues.

Team GG is doing the boat, which we know isn't the best idea.

Beakers are doing the boat too.

Beaker M is rowing the boat all by himself.

Jesus, these people are stupid.  How hard is it to grasp the concept of rowing a damn BOAT!?!  I hate people so much.  They're really not good for very much, when it comes right down to it.

This gunshot bit is really pretty funny.  It's scared the shit out of everyone so far.  I mean, they wait until people are RIGHT next to the gun.

Well, the Beakers are in last.  Let's see if it's an elimination. 

They're CUT!  Whoa.  I can't believe they haven't had a non-elimination leg yet!  Also, the Beakers were the favorites to win the race, I think.  Can't believe they're out because of crappy flights.

Beaker F states, "It's not like someone beat us, we beat ourselves."  Yeah, I do that all the time.  HA!

Beaker F:  "Although my brother might be too hard on me, I know he just wants me to go as far as I can."

Beaker M:  "As a brother, part of my job is to challenge her."  Wait, does he mean as a brother or as a brother? 

Okay, the next episode isn't for two weeks, which puts it on Christmas Eve Eve, which means I may or may not get to write that one up.  Hold your breath!

Comments

[Em]

Ah but you didn't mention my favorite part!
The LOOK on Jen's face when the gunshot went off next to her head the SECOND time.

[patricia]

If I pay you a dollar, will you please, please, please figure out how to stop all the Who's Your Daddy nonsense? Even Phil said it this go around and, quite frankly, I can't deal with that level of creepiness on a Sunday night. That's just no way to start off the week, man. Seriously.

And what? No comment about how on the next show Gothy boy "loses confidence" in his partner? I thought for sure that would get a little mention.

[grampa]

TiVo Christmas eve, you've done it before.

Think of it as present to yourself and that little bitter nugget of hatred you call a soul.

[Erin]

Brilliant. As usual.

It's seriously only a matter of time before ex-contestants start showing up at your front door.

Especially if I keep emailing them.

[teahouseblossom]

I'm really bummed that the people I know got eliminated. I totally thought they'd win, too.

[Keith]

Where is this weeks (12/23) recap? I am beginning to hate overtime and 60 minutes!! I missed the last 20 minutes of AR (I DVR it).. Please, Please..give us (ie. me) a recap!!

[teahouseblossom]

I'm really bummed that my brother and sister friends got eliminated. I really thought they had what it took to make it to the top.