BITCH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

The true strength of reality programming is its unique ability to bring us real moments of humanity in real time from real people who really hate one another.  Another strength of reality programming is its unique ability to show blonde whores getting hit by a bus in a foreign country.  And if the previews are to be believed, we may get to witness that glorious event tonight.  Network executives are both sickened and orgasmic at the prospect of the rating boost that tonight's episode will receive from people tuning in to see whore brains strewn across the East Blurgenblurgen town square.  I'm sure it'll be a near-miss, so those executives will be able to sleep soundly on a bed made from the hair of dead baby meerkats.

We begin this week with a reminder that poor, stressed, Looney Lorena and Captain Commitment Jason were eliminated last week.  As you'll recall, they were eliminated after getting slowed down by Team Cumdumpster after a U-Turn Twist was used.  Everyone (meaning me) was shocked to discover that last week wasn't an non-elimination round.  This week HAS to be.  Which means it won't be.

The teams are STILL in goddamned Africa.  You know what's really a lot of fun about Africa?  It's got both hot AND dry, together at last.  I'm beginning to sense that AR producers are trying to use the race to make some sort of statement about the appalling conditions that others have to live under on a daily basis.  Somehow having the Amazing Race in Africa will cure AIDS, but nobody is sure how yet.  One hopes that a cure will come from repeatedly hitting whores with buses.  I bet nobody has looked into it yet.  It's always the last thing that you try cures AIDS, am I right?

I'll miss Lorena already.  There was so much potential for seeing her brain s'plode on national television.  When I think of all of the animals that they could've made her milk in future episodes, it boggles the mind.  One week it could've been a rhino, the next a 62 year-old Indian woman.  Hell, it's practically its own show.  COPYRIGHT!  Call it Spilled Milk and the preview always shows someone crying.  It's a cash cow. (HA!)

Okay, ANYway, we're back to Unpronounceablename, Africa and Team Boring are the first ones out.  Teams have to make their way to Vilnius, Lithuania.  I'm sure Vilnius is a lovely place, but if I were on the Vilnius Chamber of Commerce, I would look into changing the name to Happinius or Nothingevilgoingonherenius or Notharboringnazisnius.  Just something to think about Lithuania.  We call it marketing, here in the States.  For instance, did you know that New York City isn't actually "new" at all?  It used to be called What The Fuck Is That Smell Island, but then Rudy Giuliani became mayor and changed it to New York City.  Jesus, did you seriously not know that?  Pick up a book, Lithuania.

Beaker M from Team Boring is going to show us the dark side of sibling abuse before this race is over, mark my words.  He really wants to hit his sister, you can see it in his eyes.  I can somewhat relate to him, as I didn't get along well with my sister growing up either.  Once, when I was about nine or ten, I accidentally grabbed my sister's tits during a fight.  We've had a pretty good relationship ever since, because frankly there's no coming back from grabbing your sister's tits.  I mean, we haven't made eye contact in 25 or so years, but all the psychiatrists will tell you that's perfectly healthy.  Let us never speak of this again.

Jen is straight up cow-in-the-kitchen crazy.  The bitch wants first place so bad she can taste it.  According to her they will "use their lust for winning as a ball of fire to rage through" the rest of the race.  I don't know what that means, but it did give me a pretty sizable boner to hear her say it.

The Unpronounceablename airport isn't exactly O'Hare.  I will not be the least bit surprised to see a large rubber band at the end of the runway.

Daddy from Team Daddy is wearing a new "Who's Your Daddy" shirt.  You know that Sissy is making him wear them and she thinks it's just a stitch.  I remain entirely skeeved out.  Sissy says that she's purposely constantly saying "I love you, Daddy" just to freak her dad out.  He's the kind of guy that when you go to give him a hug he just kind of goes limp and prays for you to die.  But I'm sure he's right around a corner from changing into the daddy that she's always wanted. 

In a Wikipedia moment, Daddy confidently states that Lithuania makes great pastries.  This is the kind of guy you get stuck talking to at a dinner party.  "Ohhhh, pastries, you say.  Well, I'll be..." (cut wrists with butter knife).

Kuunt from Team Goth is all wet over getting to go to Lithuania.  He says that he's has always wanted to go to Transylvania or Romania or someplace with spooky architecture.  He's totally down with any of the "ia's" as nations in general.  Is it even possible to give goths a bad name?  Because I think he is.   

Kuunt says that he doesn't try to control Vyxsin (his "girlfriend"), but he tries to "guide her".  By which he means he tries to "guide her" enormous penis into his vagina.

Everyone is trying to get a flight out using the internet port-a-potty near the airport.  Burkina Faso has mastered the art of the one room building.

The blondes are worrying about getting to the RIGHT Burkina Faso airport.  You know, because you can't spit without hitting ANOTHER Burkina Faso airport.  It's the hub of all air traffic East of Brrlehjrerlk and West of Doirirnrnigkkksdk. 

The Dirty Hippie is pondering the race and has concluded that "competition is fierce".  Dude.  So true.  So true.  And like, what if competition is a dolphin, man.  And, and, like what if the goal of the competition is like tuna?  And what if the tuna wasn't dolphin-safe?  Do you see what I'm saying?  It's like, can you use the dolphin to get to the tuna?  Ya know?  See man?  Makes you think.

Oh Christ.  You can tell that this episode is going to be heavy on unnecessary airport drama.  Someone tell producers that watching people buy plane tickets isn't the most stimulating reality programming, please.

The Dirty Hippie is happy to be heading to Lithuania, because he can't wait to "scope out the scene.  Gonna scope out some other places".  By which he means he wants to be high in as many different countries as possible.

Daddy is so clearly disgusted by his daughter.  He says, "She is somewhat naive.  I want to teach her how to deal with certain types of people".  Oh sure.  Because he could be teaching graduate-level people-person skills.

More flight drama.

Team GG got hosed at the Air France counter because their reservations woman either didn't like them or just couldn't speaka de ingleesh.  The Air France lady is giving tickets to whomever she wants, apparently.  This is actually how things work at most airlines, unfortunately. 

Shani from Team CD is worried about karma.  Her teammate, Jenni, is treating people just like she would in her every day life, which is to say, like they are beneath her. 

Shani: "I'm annoyed at what happened back there."   

Jenni: "You should just not argue with me.  I'm way more methodical than you."

Shani: "You're flattering yourself."

This is usually what happens when people who think they're hot begin to hang out together.  They slowly begin to realize that the other person is just not that hot, and was never that smart, and then they begin to think, "Hey, wait!  Does that mean, I'M not that hot or smart?"  Um, BINGO.

The teams are split between three different flights from Paris to Lithuania.  No room left on any of the Burkina Faso to Lithuania hourly express shuttles, apparently.

Nate and Jen are first to Vilnius.  We need to see more of them, as they have been voted Most Likely to Punch a Motherfucker.

Kuunt is just annoying.  He's got a face you want to slap, ya know?

Shocking revelation of the week from Team CD: "How could we be this dumb?!?"

Everyone's driving around trying to find a church in Vilnius.  It's difficult because Vilnius does not technically have streets and directions have not yet been invented there.

Queen of Hyperbole, Jen, says, "This is the most insane place I've ever dealt with in my life."

Road Block - "Who's a good listener".  Players have to act like Lithoanian messengers.  Find and deliver a package to the right person and then deliver another package to the final destination.  Lithuania must be proud that this is the best thing the producers could come up with to represent their entire country. Lithuania:  The Delivery Boy Capital of The World.

Kunnt says "I'm a good listener!" And he's also an excellent bottom.

Jen and Nate are slowly slipping into hatred, which always starts with the too-sweet sing-songy comments to one another:  "Natey c'mon!!", to which he replies "Jen, c'mon dude!".  They are so lost that they've left their car and decided they're better off ON FOOT.  They are wrong.

HOLY SHIT!! Here's the bus scene.  Shani and Jenni from Team Cumdumpster are totally lost on some back street in goddamned Vilnius and as Shani backs up to turn around, we get a view from the cameraman's perspective, out the side window in the back seat, of a HUGE city bus barreling down on their car, going about 30 mph.  Horn a-blazin'.  That camera guy had to be thinking "I am going to die today in fucking Dogrape, Lithuania with two stupid whores and I won't even be able to have an open casket funeral because this camera is about to be three feet up my nose.  Aaaand I just shit my pants.  Not my day.  Not my day at all."

Long story short, the bus didn't hit them, but man were they freaking out.  This really is the best thing about reality television, because you got to see the real, actual reaction that people have in a situation like this, which is to panic like a sumbitch. Shani saw the bus coming and knew she had to move, but she completely froze.  It was like she was waiting for the bus to hit so that she could get jolted into action.  My two cents, we all would've been better off if the bus driver hadn't even touched his brakes. 

Shani's yelling at Jenni to calm down.  Then Jenni pipes up with "Oh my god, a bus almost killed me, but I'm supposed to relax?" Well, no. First, change your panties.

Daddy is still having trouble with his hernia.  He's trying to alleviate the pain by standing like a jaggoff.  Standing like a jaggoff is approved by 4 out of 5 unlicensed doctors.

It appears that Lithuanian chicks are hot, up to about 19 years old and then it takes a long, slow downhill turn.

Wow.  Nate and Jen from Team 273.5a do not disappoint in this episode...

Nate: "I'm just saying it's a lot easier when someone isn't stressed out from the start". 

Jen (snotty): "This is an absolute joke.  Once again we're gonna look like idiots". 

Nate:  "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life". 

Jen:  "Same with you, Nate". 

Keep in mind, most of that conversation was half-whispered, away from the camera.  Easy to forget that the whole world can hear you WHEN  YOU'RE WEARING A MIC.  I really hope they get married and can somehow work the "I can't believe what kind of person you've turned into; it's the ugliest thing I've ever seen in my life" line into the vows. 

Huh, it seems that Lithuania bases their town names on the sounds of sneezes.  That's clever.

The Dirty Hippie has hooked up with a fellow pothead for some Lithuanian guidance.  Hippies Helping Hippies.  Triple H, baby!

Jen and Nate have completed the task and are now best friends again.  Nate hugs Jen: "I'm so proud of you!"  THEY ARE PSYCHO.

The blondes read the clue...

Shani: "Who's a good listener?  I am."

Jenni: "I think I am. You misinterpret."

CAT FIGHT!  CAT FIGHT!

In a bow to corporate sponsorship, all teams must search an abandoned village for a Travelocity gnome.  This has become a somewhat standard challenge for the AR.

Marginally hot blondes are adored the world around.  There's always a few guys in any country that are willing to help out, given the chance to ogle some titties for five minutes.

Detour- Count down or step up.  Racers have to count pickets on a fence or stilt walk.   

These tasks that require detailed counting or minutia are so awesome.  Getting people to count is so much harder than you'd think.  Makes me giggle.

Seeing the wild village street carnival show in Lithuania causes Kuunt to state, "This is my favorite moment in this Amazing Race thus far.  Vyxsin and I love to play dress up and they made us feel (air quote) normal (un-air quote)."  I think we all knew that they like to play dress up, but now I've got a million different disturbing images in my head, so thanks a shit-ton.

The blondes are not loving each other right now.

Daddy doesn't look great on the stilts:  "I don't want this hernia to pop out".  Uh, ew.

Jen:  "Stilts Nate?  We're not going to do stilts".  Jen's the decider. So they're going to count pickets in a fence... 

Jen:  "I can do this so fast.  Please just let me do it."  Keep in mind that they can BOTH work on this task.  But why would they want to do THAT, when OBVIOUSLY Nate would fuck it up SOMEHOW and would probably try to have SEX with the whore FENCE, because everyone KNOWS he can't help but cheat on Jen?

There are 717 pickets, FYI.

The Hippies finish this leg of the race in first!  And they're happy.  They win a 10 day trip to Japan.  Where they can spend the majority stay in an opium den, I'm sure.  In another insightful moment from the Dirty Hippie:  "It just goes to show, you just never know what's going on in this race".  Uhhh, okay?

So it turns out that Jen has a bit of trouble with the whole counting thing after all.  They have counted incorrectly twice now. It's obvious that it's Nate's fault.  To her.

The blondes are still back searching for the gnomes in the village. They should do fine though, because Shani just took charge, stating that they "just have to search the whole parameter" of the village.  Well sure, that's what I'd do too.

Sissy and Daddy have completed the stilt walk after some painful falls by Daddy.  Sissy says, "I'm so proud of my dad.  He's my Superman".  Sometimes when a girls says that, it's sweet.  And sometimes it makes you gag and a chill runs up your spine.  Is he your Superman?  Are you Lois Lane in this scenario?  You know Superman gave Lois the Supermeat, right? 

Jen and Nate are STILL counting.  Or at least Jen is...

Jen:  "Nathan can you count in your head, please?!!  STOP!!"

Nate:  "I'm not stopping! (Jen slaps his hand off of the picket as he counts) BITCH!!!! What are  you doing!??!?!"

They've given up on counting pickets.  As they walk away from the fence, Jen says, "I cannot believe that you are that mean that  you had to call me that".  Hey baby, if the collar fits...

Of course they go to try the stilts and pass in a few minutes. 

Wow, counting REALLY wasn't the way to go.  People are freaking out because counting SHOULD be so easy.  Delicious.

Now the blondes are at the fence.  This Jen wants to do it all herself too.

Shani: "Jen, you're so on a team of your own, it's ridiculous.  You just go ahead and count it and if you're wrong, it's all on you". 

And it's wrong.  Of course.

Awww, that means that the Blondes last.  Because math is hard.

Shana and Jennifer you have been eliminated.  Shana is "heartbroken". 

Jenni: "We come from a comfortable life.  All of that goes out the window when you're on the Amazing Race."  Sad for them. Sadder still, they would've been better off if they were hit by a bus.

This week had a few inspirational moments, mostly provided by Nate and Jen.  All you need to know about next week is that we've reached the stage that happens every season in the AR. The moment when The Truth comes out in every relationship.  Definitely tune in next week as Jen tells Nate:

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate  you with a passion."  Someone get the t-shirt presses warmed up.

Comments

[Brad]

Another spectacular play-by-play. I always have a loud laugh with these. Best this week: cameraman dies with cum dumpsters.

[patricia]

half of these teams are bi-polar i think. sucks for them, awesome for us. i really want the dad/daughter team to go away because he skeeves me out and makes me mad. totally ruins my ability to enjoy the crazy.

[grampa]

Where's the rest of it? You cut me off, bitch!

I NEED MY FIX, DAMMIT!

[drummergirl]

next meet-up shirts: oh my god, i hate you with a passion.

p.s. your post is broken.

[Scott-san]

Or, "I Want You to Put Your Rage Inside Me."

[Erin]

I waited SEVEN GODDAMN DAYS for this and I WANT. THE REST.

[cw]

Guys, I had a full post here at one time and now it's all lost. If anyone has any idea how to get it back (Google cache or something) or if it gets sent out to some reader service to someone, email me and I'll repost the rest. But for now, that shit is GONE, yo.

[cw]

Thanks to drummergirl and Wolf, you all now have the REST of the story. Like Paul Harvey, get it? HA! What fun. (crickets).

[Scott-san]

I think I've settled on rooting for Team Goth and Team Hippie, who finished one and two this leg. What, are we down to six teams now and no non-elimination legs?

Speaking of legs, how about the female half of Team Hippie? We can't really grasp the allure of the Anorexic Modeling Tights.

[Mark Conway]

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