You Disappointed Me

Week two of this season of the Amazing Race begins with standard review of the prior week.  All the competitors looked so bright-eyed and hopeful, didn't they?  It's so easy to forget how much we truly hate the ones we love, until we're forced to spend extended periods of time in a car looking for the Haggerllegecc town square in the middle of Leprechaun Rape, Ireland.

All the competitors are raving about how surprised they are with great effort from the Goths (Team Aynnoyyingg).  They're not mentally retarded, people, they just dye their hair.   And they're mentally retarded.  The point is, you can never underestimate freaks.  Of course, it's only a matter of time before they're forced to withdraw due to a bad case of The Blahs.  Goths in general are suffering from The Blahs at a horrifying rate.  I blame the war and Robert Smith eating the rest of the Cure.

God, Chris totally creeps me out with her Daddy issues.  Someone get her a Hello Kitty to cuddle.

Beaker M and Beaker F are the first to depart.  They bring nothing exciting to this race.  There is some speculation that they are a tad closer than a brother and sister should be.    I guess that could be fun to watch.  Like if they get a little too excited after a victory and celebrate with tongue.  Could be awkward for Phil. 

Everyone's heading to Amsterdam! 

The Dirty Hippie just said that his relationship with Rachel is 90% more important than the Amazing Race.  That's a man who does not have his priorities straight. 

Nate says, "We're getting along now, but just wait until we hit a wrong turn."  By which he means  Jen will be tasting blood.  Domestic violence is not funny.  Except when it is.

Team Cumdumpster says that "it's creepy driving at night".   Probably because they're used to having their feet in the air and not the gas pedal.  Shani is quite disturbed that none of the pit stops have been at a hair and nail salon.  "Clearly I haven't had a manicure or facial".  Pull over, I'll give you a facial.

Daddy is already upset at his greatest disappointment in life, his daughter.  She forgot her fanny pack and he's about to have a stroke.  Of course she shouts, "Sorry Daddy!!"  I've got vomit stuck in my molars. 

How much do I love Team Gay Jesus!?!?  Pat said, "We have no illusions that God even cares if win the Amazing Race".  Why is it always the gay clergy that has their head on straight?

Team Greatest Generation has gotten a flat tire right out of the gate.  Haven't even made it to the airport yet.  Of course, Grandpa is in control of the flat tire situation.  He'll jack the car up with his genitals if necessary.

"Kynt runs around like he's on speed".  Gee, that could be because HE IS.

It's becoming fairly clear why Chris has her daddy issues.  He's not the most pleasant person in the world.

FLIGHT DRAMA! The Daddy is going to get in a shoving match with the grandson from Team GG. It's always good to shove someone while explaining that he needs calm down.  Really gets the point across.  Baby, why do you make me hit you?

Man, the Dirty Hippie cannot WAIT to get to Amsterdam.  Like sending a whore to Dicktown.

Man, Pat from Team Gay Jesus is a cancer survivor?  How can you not love this team??!

AAGGHH!!!  Team Motorboat (hooooottt Latinas) are in last!!!  THEY ARE TOO HOT TO LOSE!!  This is why people stop believing in God.  They sure as hell better catch up or I will have to start a letter writing campaign.

Yes, that WHO'S YOUR DADDY SHIRT? is beyond creepy. What does that even MEAN in this context?

What is with Kuunts voice?  It's like an effeminate soprano helium balloon.  Only more annoying.

I wish there was some kind of state fair where one of the booths was chance to punch this Daddy in the face. 

There's Aer Lingus again.  THAT'S  MY JOKE SCOTT ADAMS, YOU HACK!!  You can expect to hear from my imaginary lawyers!!

Team Boring is the first to the train in Amsterdam.  They can read a map, which puts them light years ahead of most of these handjobs. 

Challenge:  Furniture Moving.  Up the side of a building with hand tied ropes. Or...search through hundreds of bikes in a parking garage to find the pair that match your card.

Vyxsin from Team Aynnoyyingg just said that she would tie the ropes off because she used to macramé and knows knots.  Okay, so now I like her.  He's still a complete tool.

Mmmm, Lorena is hot when she's cheering on her teammate.  Baby, if you need a man to commit to you, I think I could for a night.

One of the blondes from Team Cumdumpster firmly stated, "My arm muscles are one of the strongest parts of my body".   I bet they take second place to your jaw muscles.

The Dirty Hippie just showed up in Amsterdam.  Now that I look closer, his girlfriend is also a dirty hippie.  Man, you can tell that he needs to try to score before the challenge.   He's asking one of the movers if he's "Holden Caufield".  Wink, wink.

Dirty Hippie is snapping at my Boo - "I have no idea what you're saying!!"  He totally can't figure out the ropes, man.  Ironically, he can't figure out how to tie off.

Jen has had enough of Nate's incompetence as a man.   She's got such a sunny personality, it's hard to believe he cheated.   "Nate for the life of him cannot tie a knot," Jen says confidentially to the camera.  Except to tie up his whores, one imagines.

About half the teams have finished the challenge and are waiting for the same bus.  Oops, the Goths missed the bus. Team Boring went from first to fifth because they looked for the bikes instead of doing the movers challenge.

Wow, the Hippies are really bad movers.  Dirty Hippie is totally harshing.  Can a brother just score some righteous bud!?!?  Delicious Hippie Rachel CAN tie a knot, as her brains aren't on drugs. She passes the challenge for them.

Roadblock:  A Norwegian "sport" called Ditch Vaulting.  Or Dutch Vaulting.  Really, does it matter?  The point is to cross a (let's call it) fjord in a single vault from side to side.

The one blonde from Team Cumdumpster does NOT want to break a nail.

Oh my god, my wife is laughing her ass off because Jen from Team 273.5a crashed hard in the ditch.  She seriously can't get her breath.  It's fun to see beautiful people fail.   Especially whores.  The cherry on top was the dutch judge shouting "NO GOOD!" when she ate it.   Awesome.  I bet Nate is going to be very supportive and patient though.  Oops, I guess not.

Durgerdam is the pit stop. I'm pretty that name is made up.

Jen is a gracious competitor: "That freaking little bitch did it!"

Team Fingerbang are team #1.  As a reward, they win bikes.  I'm sure they didn't want an exotic trip somewhere.  Sure, a bike.  Nice.

Man, Team Motorboat is too cute.  One even just used a British accent, which you know I think is wicked hot, yeah? 

Team 273.5a is second and will live to strangle each other another day. Team Cumdumpster is in third.

Jeus, the daddy is SO ANNOYING. The daughter says she just wants them to "stay positive".   His response, "Don't give me this crap about positive vibes getting you through".  He's obviously an expert on staying positive, so she should shut her whore mouth.

Team Gay Jesus continues to enjoy schadenfreude.

Marianna: "Mr. Miyagi runs like the wind, so we have to hurry".  Everyone is learning to hate Daddy.

Revelation from Kuunt: "I'm not one of those get down and dirty kind of boys, I'm kind of prissy".  I will alert CNN to this breaking story. 

Beaker F is covered tits to toes in mud on her first try across the fjord.  Amazing Race has a long history of making people muddy and miserable.  Kudos on continuing the streak.

Kuunt is not really an athlete, per se.

Oh lord, Grandpa is going to ditch jump.  Ominously, the grandson states, "That may be a decision that's going to cost us." YA THINK!??!

Daddy is worrying about their team "vacillating".  "I let you loose on this thing and you disappointed me."  This guy is quite the charmer, isn't he? 

Kuunt made it across!  Finally!  Now I kind of want them to do good, because I think I have a small crush on Vyxsin. 

Grandpa is not so much with the ditch vault.  It's really a younger man's sport. OH DEAR GOD!!  GRANDPA IS STRIPPING!!!  He's too covered in mud to jump, so he has to shed clothing.  An official "No Comment" from the grandson. You go into the race hoping for lifelong memories and you come out seeing your grandpa naked.  You need to win the million dollars just to pay for the therapy.  THAT'S WHY THE AMAZING RACE HAS THE WORD AMAZING RIGHT IN THE TITLE, PEOPLE!!

Oh christ on a cracker, Team Goth just finished and Kuunt totally missed a high five with Vyxsin and nearly slapped a bitch.  Little known fact:  Consistently missing high fives is one of the top three reasons why people become Goth. The other two reasons: Attention-starved and Gay. 

Grandpa is now in his underwear, jumping.  Still hasn't made it over the fjord.  The grandson: "That one had promise".  It didn't.

Okay!  The Grandpa finally made it across.  The grandson said, "He made it, showing that frustration and anger pays off in the end".  AMEN, BROTHER.  I've been telling people that for years.

Marianna from Team Motorboat said that she loves track and field and Pole Vault was her main field event.  Ooooh, yeahhhh, I'll bet it was. Who's a naughty girl? 

So much drama from Team Daddy.  I can't even get into it; I'm drained.  Let's just say they should break up and change their phone numbers.

Damn, damn, DAMN!  Team Gay Jesus are officially in last place and have been eliminated.   Man, I love them to death.  So sweet. All reality shows should end with older lesbian clergy kissing.  That'd show the terrorists.

OH.  MY.  BALLS.  The previews for next week show Lorena having the kind of complete break from sanity for which the Amazing Race has become famous.   I am already predicting, based on the previews alone, that she will be giving us this season's catch phrase, "BABY, THERE'S NO MORE MILK!!"  As she's trying to milk a camel. 

Caitlin, if you're reading this (which you aren't), please start making the t-shirts.

Seriously people, call your friends, duct-tape your grandma to the chair, next week's episode is a can't-miss.  DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!!

Comments

[Scott-san]

Yeah, next week looks like a classic-in-the-making. "MY CAMEL IS BROKEN!"

Team Daddy is freaking me right the fuck out. What inappropriate thing is daddy gonna do or say next? Just when I think he's taken it to 11, he finds a 12.

And Team GG proved, twice, that being pushing douchebags is how you get ahead in TAR.

[Erin]

I can't believe I didn't know you were doing this. My love, it burns.

[Brad]

I don't know man, I think reading your review of it is better than actually watching it.

BTW, I did read Scott Adams' joke the same day I read yours. You win. Although his previous post about that Indian person fucking her/himself was pretty awesome.

[Colleen]

Thank you for this! Love it.

[drummergirl]

i don't know if i can stand to listen to mr. miyagi another week. he at least better be wearing a t-shirt that says "who's your douche bag?"

[Trasi]

Dude, Erin pointed me (us, the internet, whatever) your direction. I am sad that I have missed so many previous seasons with your play-by-play commentary. My husband and I do the MST3K routine every Sunday night on this show, it is awesome. Now I can share it with other people who share my appreciation. Muchas gracias.

[erika]

I only caught the last half of this week's show. Thanks for the recap! I think this was my favorite line: "He'll jack the car up with his genitals if necessary."