Seriously. There's No More Milk.

Are you excited?  Because I'm excited.  I'm not gonna lie. 

I can't say for sure why I so love seeing people completely snap and lose their tenuous grip on reality.  But I do know that it is the very reason why reality television was created by sweet baby Jesus.  Because as much as we love to see a good sit-com or a gripping drama, it's so much more fun to see a person nearly shit herself in exasperation.  And that is The Amazing Race in a nutshell: The Promise of People Shitting Themselves in Exasperation.  It should be in all the advertising.   

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Week 3 begins with a review of last week, wherein my personal favorite team of gay clergywomen was eliminated.  I'm sure that there's some group somewhere that will use this as evidence that God doesn't want women to be either gay or clergy.  God, after all, is a huge fan of the Amazing Race.

Okay!  Here we go.  You can use your whole couch, but you'll only need THE EDGE.

Wait, they're still in the Netherlands?  I could've sworn they moved on from there.  You know what an overnight stay near Amsterdam means?  Team Dirty Hippie is going to be totally baked. 

It seems that sometime last week Daddy gave himself a hernia, probably through constantly berating his daughter. Thankfully, we've been given a clip of the doctor telling him, "I have pushed the tissue back into the abdomen".  Guurrrpprrghghhpphh.

And this leg of the race has officially begun, with Jason and Lorena in first.

The first clue states that the teams must get on the first flight to Unpronounceablename, Africa.  The trick is that Africa is a big place (almost as big as TEXAS, I once heard), and nobody knows where Unpronounceablename is, exactly. 

You really want to root for Jason, don't you?  With his little sweet nothings that he tells the camera?  Like that Lorena reminds him of girl from The Exorcist?  I can see why she's holding out for him to decide to marry her maybe someday when he's ready.  He's a catch.

Jen from Team 273.5a says that sometimes she hates Nate, her boyfriend.  She's a bitch, but she says she's been working at it.  I'm not sure if that means she's working to be more of a bitch or less of one.  It remains an unsolvable mystery as to why he cheated on her.

The blondes from Team Cumdumpster continue to worry more about their appearance than their place in the race.  It's a risky strategy.  At some point in their lives, one hopes someone randomly comes up and slaps them in the face and says, "You know, you're not really that attractive."

MAJOR EARTH SHATTERING REVELATION OF THE WEEK: The Goth female, Vyxsin, has just stated that she takes on some of the "typically masculine roles" in the relationship.  Let's see if I can guess what some of the roles are:

1.  She has the penis.

2.  She's been inside of him more than he's been inside of her.

3.  He bleeds and eats ice-cream from a carton for about a week every month.

Okay, so none of these teams has a clue where Unpronounceablename, Africa is.  I don't either, but I do know how to use the damned internet. 

Ah, we've discovered it's in Burkina Faso.  Wait, wasn't Burkina Faso in Designing Women?   

Team Boring are originally from Ethiopia.  Or so they say.  I don't know if they mean, like, HISTORICALLY from there or born there.  Because they look more like they're from just outside of San Diego to me.

Here's our first clue that Team Dirty Hippie may have picked up some brownies in Amsterdam: The dude just said they are not allowing things to "freak them out" too much.  Plus, man, they can totally take that unicorn standing over there to Burkina Faso.  WASH YOUR HAIR, DREADLOCK!!!

One of the hot Latinas just said, "My sister gets excited a lot".  She should be spanked for that kind of behavior. 

The Grandpa who STRIPPED down to his jockey underwear last week, just said that he's "letting it all hang out" on the race.  Ew.  Also, he's 69 years old.  69 is the new 67 1/2.

Smartly, the blondes from Team Cumdumpster are dressed for sex.  Also, without all their makeup, it's become obvious that they've had surgery to enhance their cocksucking lips.  Huh, spell check doesn't recognize "cocksucking".  Weird.

Oh lord.  Daddy, from Team Daddy, has a new "Who's Your Daddy" t-shirt on.  It's creepy in every color of the rainbow now.  He says he's learned his lesson after the terrible way he treated his daughter in the last round.  Says he needs to be more "uplifting".  That's one way to put it.  Or he could say, "I need to stop being such a dickface".

The Dirty Hippie is excited to go to Africa.  He'll commune with a fucking giraffe or something.  He's basically excited to go anywhere that doesn't require him to shower. 

Ugh, I hate it when they play up these airport maneuvers.  THERE'S NOT EXACTLY HOURLY FLIGHTS TO UNPRONOUNCEABLENAME, AFRICA!!  YOU'LL ALL BE ON THE SAME PLANE!!

Daddy and Sissy (my new name for her) have to run to get the flight.  Daddy's hernia is gonna kill him, if there is a God.

Okay, after much unnecessarily tense music, everyone's in friggin' Unpronounceablename, Burkina Faso, Africa.

One of the Cumdumpsters worries aloud about being sold to people for money in Africa.  Not that it would be a change from her normal routine, but the street names would be realllly different. 

Hey!  Everyone gets to take the train to Bingo, in the middle of Goddamn Nowhere, Africa.  Remember that song, "Let's All Take the Train To Bingo!" by Metallica?  During their polka phase?  Anyone?

They have to wait to get on the train until morning.  It's not exactly high-speed rail, this Bingo train.

The Grandpa is drooling over the hot Latinas.  Who DOESN'T love hot Latinas?  Iran, I'll bet.  That's why we need to go to war with them.

The blondes are not exactly comfortable around people with dark skin on a train that isn't sporting air conditioning.  Or put more succinctly by one of the blondes, "These people bring flies".

The "male" Goth, Kuunt, just asked his girlfriend to help him off of the train.  He's going to need a goddamn parasol before the race is over.  She needs to whip out her dick and slap him upside his waxed eyebrows.

Oh man, I'm at 3/4 chub.  It's time: 

ROAD BLOCK! Milk a camel enough to fill a bowl to the line and then drink that milk.

If your camel "runs dry", you have to wait for a camel to be available from a team that has finished the challenge.

The card says that teams need to "be mindful that camels are sensitive to loud noises and fast movements".  They're basically large cats with humps.  And utters.  That spit. 

Jennifer helpfully yells to Nathan, "You have to be gentle, you're handling nipples".  So no hooking the utters up to a car battery like she likes.

Some teams appear to have just gotten particularly milky camels.  I've seen it a million times.  They have to want to milk.  It helps if you blow in the camel's ear first.  Maybe give it a hoof massage.

The Dirty Hippie has finished milking already!  Ooop - he's having a some trouble drinking it, however.  Says it's a little "gritty".  C'mon, pussy!  Who wouldn't LOVE a nice tall glass of warm, gritty camel milk?  Maybe with some OrneryO's?  Mmmm.  He's probably just pissed off that fresh-squeezed camel milk isn't hallucinogenic.   

I am somewhat unsurprised that the blonde from Team Cumdumpster has no trouble tugging on a camel.

Vyxsin has finished and Kuunt told her to make sure to swallow every drop.  Just like she usually tells him.

Several teams have finished and are on their way to the next challenge.  They're going the wrong way.  Nobody cares.  Because Lorena is about to blow.

I really hope you had the chance to watch this.  Lorena keeps trying to milk what very well could be a male camel and any liquid that she's getting has been knocked out of her hands AT LEAST five times by the camel.  It's physical comedy at its finest.  And finally, the breakdown.  In full, hysterical, child-lost-in-a-shopping-mall shriek:

"Baby, there's NO MORE MILK!  THERE'S NO MORE MIIIIILLLLLLL(stroke)LLLLLKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (There are not enough exclamation points here.  There are not enough exclamation points in the history of exclamation points).

Oh dear god, in the middle of this breakdown, one of the blondes is giving her camel the most erotic tug-job you've ever seen.  She's doing everything but spitting in her hand first.

Lorena again:

"MIIIILK!!!!! BABY!!!"

And now in prayer:

"Please lord, give me milk."

And now a different camel has KICKED HER:

"AAAGGHHH!!! He hit me!!"

Most of the rest of the teams are on to the Detour: Teach it or Learn it.

Teams can either try to teach non-English-speaking African children 10 English words or learn 10 African words as a team.

Of course, Team Boring will choose to learn the African Words, because they probably learn Quantum Physics in their sleep.  They definitely took that "Reading Is Fundamental" shit to heart growing up.

"It doesn't take a brainiac to memorize 10 words" according to Beaker F of Team Boring.  She's right, of course.  If you're talking about English words.

The weather is getting nasty.  Big African storm rolling in.  Great, goddamn AFRICA is getting more rain than Atlanta, Georgia. 

The thunder made one of the camels hop a few times.  Awww, cute.  Can I have one?

Christ, Lorena is STILL trying to milk this damn camel.  This is just like that saying - "You can't squeeze water from a rock", except the water is milk and the rock is a, you know, camel.  If you follow the analogy.  It's complex.  Give it a sec.

And the camel just kicked the milk out for her hand.  Again.  If she had a machete, she would go all Apocalypse Now on this camel, I swear to you.

Brother and sister Team Boring have boringly won this stage.  And, because they're in first, they've won a romantic five night trip to Bermuda. For two. Not creepy at all.

Holy shit, the Hot Latinas are still trying to get milk too!!  They better not lose!  That's why there's such a terrible storm!! The Amazing Race has angered the Gods! 

Lorena's camel has just kicked the milk from her bowl AGAIN.

Oh.  Oooohhh.  Wait for it...wait for it...

*PLINK*

Aaannnd there's the sound of Lorena's brain snapping in two. 

Now here's the primal scream.

AAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

And she's dropped to her knees, her brain flopping on the ground beside her, a spent pile of mush. 

Yes.  YESSS!!  GIVE IN TO THE DARK SIDE!!  LET IT CONSUME YOU, LORENA!!

She's not even screaming words now.  It's all just grunts.  I can't tell, but I'll almost guarantee she's shit her pants.

As she's leaving, one of the Hot Latinas tells Lorena to get milk from one of the camels that has a baby camel near it.  Anyone who watches the Amazing Race knows that this kind of kindness will only get you eliminated.

So, of course, Lorena finally does get a camel to give her enough milk.

Lorena asks Jason, in a tender moment, "Do you still love me?"  He responds, "Of course I still love you!"  I mean, not enough to marry you.  But I will let you blow me.

Back at the "schoolhouse", one of the Cumdumpsters is teaching African children English words by shaking her tits as she says the words.  Shaking titties is a proven language development technique.  It's what Elmo does, if you watch carefully.

Jason tells Lorena, "We can learn African!! You know languages!!"  You know, because she's Hispanic.  And later she can make you a burrito, jackass.

Holy SHIT.  The Hot Latinas got PASSED by Jason and Lorena.  They're gonna be in last!!  HOW IS LORENA NOT IN LAST PLACE!??!?!

I say it's a non-elimination.  Please God, let it be non-elimination.  TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE IN LAST, are the Latinas.

Lorena and Jason are in at second to last.  Lorena breaks down at the end, saying "I didn't milk the camel right."  No shit?

Jason tells Phil that this is why he loves Lorena, "she's passionate about life, she's passionate about love, she's passionate about this race...and she's passionate about pleasing me."  Um, yeah.  That's pretty much the way I was picturing the situation, but thanks for laying it out so specifically there.

NOOO!OOOOO!!!O!O!O!O!OO!!!!!OOOOOO!!! 

Latinas are eliminated.  The race has officially gotten uglier.  Damn it.

Well, that's it for this week.  Much of the hotness is gone, but at least we have some hope of another Lorena breakdown at some point.  Although that's like wishing for it to snow cocaine on Christmas.

Comments

[Erin]

This is why The Amazing Race should be on every single day, three times a day. Fucking priceless.

[sweetney]

this is one of the funniest fucking things i've read in a long, long time.

wanna write for mamapop? pleez?

email me, dawg.

[Bobbie]

I think this might actually beat the my-ox-is-broken breakdown.

[patricia]

i missed it! because i am stupid. but you know what's stupider? stupid cbs for not having full episodes of the show online. WTF!?!?!?!?

I did see a photo of the diff colored who's your daddy tee. i'm about ready to call child protective services on his grumpy ass. they need to retroactively revoke his parental right. god damn. the man is toxic. no wonder his insides are rebelling.

[grampa]

You know, the more of these I read, I may actually be coming around.

I swore a long time ago that I would never watch any reality TV, anytime, Ever.

But you make it sooo enticing. I may just have to give in to the Dark Side, milk myself a camel and watch.

Time will tell.

[teahouseblossom]

CW, you are a god among bloggers.

[emil]

udders