Just Because I Leave Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You

I've taken time away to perform some critical self-examination of my inner self.  From time to time, one has to do this in order to maintain sanity.  My spirit guide has pulled much from my fragile psyche – deep and painful memories and undeniable truths.  Though the scope of this analysis would take volumes to describe, it can adequately be summarized fairly simply.

All that makes me whole in the world, in order of importance, is the following:

1.    The Amazing Race
2.    Penis (my own)
3.    M&Ms (peanut)
4.    Natalie Portman
5.    Occasional blurry, sasquatch-photography styled glimpses of my wife's boobs

With that in mind, I shall attempt to provide the world with a detailed play-by-play of every episode of the Amazing Race this season.  One would assume that it will serve as the chronicle of record for future generations.  It should be noted that I will be eating M&Ms while typing this.  And also, I am not wearing pants.  None of this should shock regular readers.  As if those exist.

To the Show!!

Let us begin the season with the official Amazing Race Prayer, which I may or may not be making up this very second.

Dear Lord God Phil
Please let Thine Most Divine Majesty
Light the Way for Our Noble Racers
And
As Often As Possible
Cause The Souls of the Wayward and Troubled Travelers
To Turn Black as a Coal Miner's Colon

May Fathers continue to ignore their Daddy-Obsessed Daughters
May Homosexual Life Partners Make Seemingly Innocent Reference To "How Thick The Bush is in South Africa"
May an Estranged Girlfriend Shriek Incoherently
As her Boyfriend Calmly Explains what a Stupid Whore He Believes Her to Be
And Please, Oh Vengeful and Glorious Lord,
Let There Be an Ox.

In Phil's Name we Pray:

Oh My God, I Hate You 

Amen.

We begin in LA, home to all that is righteous and pure.  As in the Divine Comedy, we must take the journey through Hell, beginning here.

Starting at the Playboy mansion.  Classy touch CBS. 

A quick review of the teams:

Kynt and Vyxsin - Goth lovers, as if you couldn't tell by the clever spelling of their names.  Let's hope that in some country in which they are traveling, they are prized for their pelts and shot.  Henceforth known as Kuunt and Suxsyn - Team Aynnoyingg.

Jennifer and Nathan – This boyfriend/girlfriend team shows the most promise for real physical violence.  If you wish hard enough, MAGIC CAN HAPPEN.  He cheated on her, but I'm pretty sure he just slipped on a bad patch of ice and landed in some other woman's vagina.  Totally not his fault and she is right to take him back.  To be called Jen and Nate - Team 273.5a.

Ronald and Christina – Father/Daughter team.  Obligatory daddy-obsessed daughter, this time with Asian spice.  After a certain age, women should not refer to their father as "Daddy" and that age is 12.  An exception can be made if the daughter is really drunk and trying to stay out of rehab.  To be referred to as Ron and Chris - Team Daddy.      

Shana & Jennifer – Even more obligatory Hot Blonde Friends Who Aren't that Hot.  The Amazing Race loves to put marginally hot, bottle-blondes on every season, because this show is seen around the world and we BY GOD have stereotypes to live up to.  Will be called Team Cumdumpster, Shani and Jenni.

Azaria & Hendekea - Brother/Sister team.  They are scientists working in the field of figuring out which one is which. What happened to people named Stan and Betty?  I cannot be bothered to type their whole name each time, especially since there is no way of knowing which name goes with which person.  They will be called Team Science - Beaker M (male) and Beaker F (female).  That can't be how you spell beaker, is it?  YOU SEE HOW THIS KIND OF THING SNOWBALLS!?! 

Lorena and Jason – Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk.  Because it's tricky to put that into actual vows, there is no wedding date set.  Lorena is a crier, I'm calling it right now.  Let's call them Team Fingerbang, Jason and Lorena.  In his high school yearbook, he was voted Most Likely to Be Two Knuckles Deep.

Nicolas & Donald - Grandson/Grandfather.  Donald is essentially being described as an outspoken elderly gentleman, which is code for Racist Coot.  Nicolas is the guy you bring home to your parents, even though you're banging his best friend.  This is true if you're gay or straight.   Nicky and Donny are Team Greatest Generation or Team GG.

Ari & Staella - "Best Friends" and co-workers.  Ari is our resident sassy gay this year. Sorry to out you Ari, but the headband is a bit of a giveaway.  Staella works with him.  My hope is that, in a shocking mid-season twist, Staella turns out to be a man, because it's a MAJOR Amazing Race faux-pas to not have a team of two volcanically gay men.  Team Queen will be Ari and Stella (spell it like everyone else, jackass).

Marianna & Julia - Sisters.  OhmyGODhot Laaateenas.  I can't tell, but based just on cultural stereotypes, I am going to assume they are spicy.   I have nothing bad to say about these two.  Let's hope that AR producers took my suggestion for more topless challenges under advisement.  Mari and Jules are Team Motorboat.  They know why.

Rachel & TK - Couple who have been dating for almost one year.   TK is a dirty hippie and Rachel is delicious.  TK and Rachel are an odd couple, kind of like Bert and Ernie, except for I REALLY want to have sex with Ernie.  I'm not a huge fan of dudes going by initials.  OJ has proven that they usually end up gutting you like a carp.  Something to think about Rachel.  Call me, we can talk it out.  Ernie and DH (Dirty Hippie) are Team Muppet.

Kate & Pat - Gay Clergy.  OKAY!  Now we're talking turkey, people.  You've gotta love lesbians who say, "I'm out of the closet and I'm Jesus-Approved!".  Let's hope these two can take time away from "blessing the chalice" long enough to win a few stages.  You know what I'm saying.  C'moooooonnnnn.  Am I Right?  Alice and Pat will be Team Gay Jesus.  Mostly because you know I'll get Google search links from THAT.

Now, back to the race.

There is something within me that wants to like the Goths, but they're such posers.  The part of me that wants to hate them is just too strong.  I'm really going through the exact opposite situation that Anakin Skywalker went through.  He didn't want to love the Goth Sith, but couldn't help himself.  They had the sassier uniforms. 

Oh Jesus, they just said that the Goth lifestyle is a celebration of Beauty and Art.  PUH-LEAAAZE.  It's a celebration of your desperate attempt to get attention, uglore.  "We're like Real Life Comic Book characters!"  Yeah, except that people like comic book characters.

Ohhh, Jen has "trust issues" with Nate just because he cheated on her.  Well, at least you put your foot down, Jen, and firmly told him that you won't put up with it more than one or two dozen more times.  For his part, Nate says it was the biggest mistake of his life.  One assumes he means the getting caught part and not the sex part.

They actually have the black brother/sister team looking at beakers in their intro.  I think I need to change their name to Team Boring.

Lorena from Team Fingerbang has been waiting three years to get married to Jason.  Keep waiting Lorena, I'm sure he's about to crack.

I just love the term "Gay Clergy".  I'm guessing that my grandma is sitting at home thinking, "Oh, that's nice that they have happy clergy on the show."  They have declared they will be devious to win if necessary, saying they are "Not wimps for Jesus".  AMEN SISTAS!

Flaming gay dude Ari just said that in order to win, he will backstab you.   I don't think that was in doubt.

Team Cumdumpster just said that they will use their bodies however they need to to win.  The shocking revelations continue.

DH is a dirty hippie.  I'm pretty sure Ernie is eyeballing me.

The race consists of 11 legs, for those of you new to the process.  As always, three legs (known only to producers) will be non-elimination.  God, I do love this show. 

I love Phil.

GO!

First stop, everyone has to get a flight to Shannon, Ireland. 

They JUST STARTED and already Chris said, "Alright Daddy!  This is it!"  Ugh.  Creepy.

I really think that Ari might be gay.

Team Motorboat just said they are "loud and verbal".  The mind boggles.

OH GOD, WHICH WAY TO GO TO THE AIRPORT!!?

I would never stereotype Asian drivers, but Team Daddy can't drive.  And can she sit any straighter?  Who drives like that?!??  One senses she doesn't ever want to slouch or she may bring eternal shame upon her father.

Team Boring's Beaker M just sighed and said "...women and directions" after his sister got them lost on the FIRST TURN of the whole game.  I'm sure he'll jury rig up a GPS out of toothpicks and Juicy Fruit.  But boringly so.

AHH!! HURRY AND CATCH THE FLIGHT!! SEATS ARE LIMITED!!  As ALWAYS.

Aer Lingus is best named airline in the world. God willing, they'll team up with Cunard Ocean Liners for a full-service Cunard-Lingus travel package.  And yes, I am copy-writing that joke as we speak.

Team Boring and Team Daddy have aligned to form the most boring and sad alliance ever.  SOMEBODY SLAP SOMEONE!!

DELAYED FLIGHTS!  AMAZING RACE STANDARD!!

Everyone's in Ireland.  They've all got to catch a ferry.  Or maybe it's a faerie.  It's fairly unclear right now. 

SHUT UP YOU DIRTY HIPPIE!! GET A HAIRCUT!!

It's warming to see that Team Gay Jesus enjoy schadenfreude.

Ugh, one of the whores just said that "the Amazing race is a love letter to the planet".  NO, IT ISN'T!!  The Amazing Race is the brutal display of man's delicious inhumanity to man.   Fuck the planet, officially.

The goth team just referred to themselves as little goth Energizer bunnies.  That works for me; I hate the Energizer bunny too.  My hatred just keeps going and going and going...

PRAISE BE TO THE MIGHTY AND GLORIOUS AMAZING RACE.  It has begun.  Nate from Team 273.5a just turned around and yelled at Jen, "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T STAND THIS!  YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON I'VE EVER MET AT THIS!!"  Not even a day in and we can start taking odds.  I'm laying the over/under on 4 episodes before she is tasting the back of his hand.   He just said, "I can't carry your bag the whole way! The other women aren't having any problems!"  She stormed off, "Don't compare me to other girls!!"  Rock solid foundation, built on love, people.

Nathan "loves her so much (baby)".  This race is "the hardest thing she's ever had to do".  After one day, most of which was on an airplane. 

Over a hill now to the next challen...GRANDPA'S DOWN!! REPEAT! GRANDPA'S DOWN!! CHECK FOR SNIPERS!!!

Oh wait, he's up.

Team Cumdumpster are over this damn race.  They just need to hug each other.  For a long time.  Slowly.

The next challenge is "riding a tandem bike up a muddy trail". I did that once in college.  It was an experimental time and this one girl at a bar asked if I wanted to "ride the tandem bike up a muddy trail".  I was young.  It was the 90s.

Emotions are "uncontrollable" all of the sudden.  Lorena is a friggin' WRECK.  Oop, her head just expoded.

Lorena is worried Team Fingerbang aren't communicating.  Which they aren't because she's a whiny whore.

That Dirty Hippie is high RIGHT NOW.  GET A JOB!

Ooooo - the chain broke on the Goths' bike.  Now they have to push it.  Push it real good.

ROAD BLOCK – High wire bike.  They have to ride a specially rigged bicycle across a wire while the teammate hangs below them, over a gorge.  I'm not doing the description justice.  It's making my palms sweaty just watching.  I'm not a big "heights" person.  No, thank you.  My ass is at clench factor 50.

Goth Chick will not look down.  Goths don't look down.  That's just what "The Man" wants.

One of the idiots from Team Cumdumpster just said, "let's not harp on things".  IN IRELAND.  Harp.  Ireland.  You can't script this stuff, people.

DH is in first place.  He thinks he's actually flying.  Whoa, man, this is totally cosmic. 

Onto a challenge with donkeys and peat.  That's a smell combo that Tide isn't going to get out anytime soon.  At least we've fulfilled our livestock quotient for this week.

Nate and Jen really are in love.  No wait, I mean the opposite of that.

Donkey just took out a fence.  Awesome.  RUNAWAY DONKEY!!

Nate and Jen's donkey will destroy them both.  It just won't move.  "I don't know what's wrong with him..."  Unsure if Jen is talking about the donkey or Nate.

Nathan's about to cry.  He says this is the most miserable thing that he's done in his life.  Not loving the donkey situation, these two.

HOLY SHIT!! The pit stop for this leg of the race is where I stayed when we were in Ireland!  IT'S LIKE I WON THE AMAZING RACE!!  Only not.

The Dirty Hippie is not so much with the directions.

Donkey will cost Nate the race.

Team Boring wins this leg of the race.  They throw their pocket protectors up carefully in joy.  And for being first, they win a trip to Canada.  Perfect!  If there's one thing I know about black people, it's that they love a good Canadian vacation.

Team Daddy have this episode's Very Special Moment:  They are both so worried about letting each other down and the daughter says, "You never disappoint me" to daddy.  He said, "Thank you. What was your name again?"  KIDDING!

Oh god, now the dad is getting weepy.  Says he didn't want to disappoint her.  Everyone hug and shut the hell up already.

Ari is going to kill his donkey.  And that's not even a euphemism for anything.

Nate and Jen FINALLY get their donkey moving and slip in at #10 out of 11 teams.  Thank Christ.  I need these two in the race. 

Ari and Stella are last.  So much for the sassy gay.  Stella says that this time on the race has "brought them closer, if that's even possible".  Well, yes Stella, it would be possible if you had a cock.  You are a terrible hag.  TERRIBLE!

Okay!  That's it for the AR Season Premiere!!  If I haven't ruined my fingers from typing this 3,000 page summary, I may even write about OTHER stuff this week.  I know you're thrilled.

Comments

[Trevor]

Thank you.

Can't believe you didn't mention the disbelief in Nate's voice when they got passed. "Oh my god, now the grandpa is passing us!" And did they really not think to push the donkey from behind? Unbelievable.

This race is going to be awesome.

[patricia]

no mention of the fact that the father was wearing a "who's your daddy?" t-shirt? ugh. talk about creepy to the nth degree.

but also, thank you dear baby jesus for another season of the amazing race. there's simply nothing better on tv. and i say this with 100% certainty despite this being only the first episode.

[teahouseblossom]

Hey, I caught the first episode on tv last night, too. Can I tell you that I actually know the brother/sister team? Yep, they have another older brother, who was my senior prom date. No kidding.

Does that make me famous by association? Heehee.

[Scott-san]

First of all, welcome back. We love YOU more than Phil. And I'm not talking about your "muddy trail."

Second, I drive like that.

Third, gorge? It was the ATLANTIC OCEAN. Or, y'know, a really small piece of it . . . in a gorge.

"The pit stop for this leg of the race is where I stayed when we were in Ireland!" Very telling. You're gonna see less of your wife's boobs if you keep that up.

I love how Phil was gushing about the trip to Canada right in front of Capt. Irish Countryside. "Yeah, thanks, CBS for shitting on our country."

When I saw the previews, I thought it was a PUNK team not a "goth" team. Dude, they are the most savagely LAME goths ever. Is this what "goth" has become? Seriously, they should be sponsored by Hot Topic. But I will say that there is a pretty (dumb) girl underneath all that pancake makeup. And I'm not talking about Kynt, either.

[biffolot]

YOU'RE BACK!!
about bloody time too!!
thanks for making me laugh out loud!.. you truly are phil.

[biffolot]

...also is it just me or did you never follow up that thing when you said you were gonna buy a load of music off itunes? the suspense...

[leo]

I have yet to read this post. However, I'm commenting because I'm glad to see you're not dead, broken, or ruined.

Also, if that chick Stella is gonna fuck up her name like that, I say just call her Paella and get it over with. Like the delectable Spanish dish, she obviously wants to be passed around the table and put in everyone's mouth.

Also 2, I've never seen the show and didn't even read this entire post. However, I stand by unsubstantiated misogynistic comment above. Because she's a whore.

[anonymous]

i love paella. yum.

[Chris Meyer]

I hope you got that copyrighted in time, because Scott Adams the Dilbert creator totally infringed on it on his blog today:

"I was just talking to a friend who said he booked a trip to Ireland on Aer Lingus. This made me wonder what would happen if that airline merged with, oh, let’s say Continental Airlines. This new company, potentially named Conaerlingus, would get people’s attention. But would you be concerned about your flight going down?"

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/

[Chris Meyer]

Sorry permalink:
http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/11/find-the-patter.html

[Erin]

"Jason's a bit of a commitment-phobe, in the sense that he would like very much to continue putting it in Lorena, as long as she doesn't talk. Because it's tricky to put that into actual vows, there is no wedding date set."

I haven't even read this whole thing yet, but I didn't want to forget to worship that in the comments.

[Matt]

Thanks for coming back!!! Yeah!!

So, you are completely not off base with the goth Kuunt. He is so incredibly gay, and Suxsyn is definitely a fag hag!. Couple, my ass!

As always, love the AR play by play! Yesss!!! My life can go on!

[Peggasus]

I AM thrilled! You are back and in fine form. Thank Phil.