Okay, Touch Me. TOUCH ME!

Due to NFL football running late again this week, the Amazing Race has been pushed back nearly a full hour tonight on the East coast.  Normally, I would "rage" against the "machine" that "the man" has created, inconveniencing me to the point of near-fatal sighing, but I am frankly still too bloated from the food-fest of the last four days.  Every time I try to rage, mashed potatoes lodge in my left ventricle, in what doctors have described as a "sticky situation".  We all had a good laugh at that one down at the Cardiac Ward.

ANYway, this week is sure to be a letdown after last week's mind blowing insanity related to milking a camel.  The previews promise more livestock interaction this week, but honestly, at this point you would have to give a prostate exam to a rhino to top camel milking.

The review from last week reminds us that Team Boring came in first and the Hot Latinas were eliminated.  Both facts remain hard to swallow.  Is it racist that the Latinas lost on a challenge about learning a new language and the black team won in Africa?  Call your congressman to request a full inquiry.

I'd really forgotten that the Hot Latinas were eliminated last week.  My mind has always been quick to block out traumatic events such as this. 

Okay!  The teams are off and running.

Racers are informed that they will be getting zero dollars to use on this leg of the race.  If I do a quick calculation on the currency converter...yes, that will buy you a four bedroom house and 10 acres in Africa.

Beaker M from Team Boring says that they are slowed by Beaker F's "physical limitations".  She takes offense, saying, "You make it sound like I'm retarded or something."  The only possible physical limitation I can see on her is a slight case of topheaviedness.  It can kill - consult your physician.  Or, hell, consult me.   

The very first task is to get a chicken from the tribal chief and take it everywhere with you on this leg of the race.  No reason.  It's just humorous to watch people carry a live chicken in a bag.  "No Chicken, No Check-In".  Quality effort Amazing Race producers. Quality effort.

The head of Team Hippie says that they are "just takin' it easy" in the race.  Methinks he envisions himself as the tortoise.  I can think of no better animal to represent him, in truth.  I kind of hate this team, but I kind of want them to win.  In fairness, I hate everyone, hippie or not.  But still.

It has been determined that Team Goth is going at Kuunt's pace.  He is good for something...let me see, what is it?  Oh right.  Nothing.  Good for NOTHING.  When the race ends and they win and they reveal that the guy is a girl and the girl is a guy, I don't think there's going to be a lot of shocked gasps rolling through the crowd.

Daddy (from Team Daddy) says that he feels vindicated by moving from last place to fifth.  Vindicated?  What does that mean?  That the shitty way he treats his daughter and everyone else is now justified?  He's a piece of work, this guy.

The Grandpa from Team Greatest Generation wants to get out and RUN!  Oh wait, someone just told him he's 80.  Time to walk.

I continue to have a crush on the female hippie.  Something about her just screams, "I'll do ANYTHING.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Yes, including that."

As all the teams dart around trying to catch chickens that are running around like something with their somethings cut off, Sissy is worried that their chicken got its "toenail" caught in the netting of their bag.  I can sense that Daddy is not pleased at her concern and wishes very much to strike her.

Team CumDumpster really doesn't fit into Africa, per se.  They would be a bad Waldo in this situation.  Oh, THERE he is.

Team CD is now having trouble wrangling their chicken.  They can track down and smother a cock in a matter of nanoseconds, but a chicken is a trickier proposition.

Everyone is on their way, but just as they get close to the Detour, Beaker F needs a potty break.  Beaker M is incensed!  He is very close to breaking out a "gosh-darn".

Okay!  The Detour - Shake your pan or shake your booty.  Teams have to either pan for gold or dance like a damn fool.  The dance task is subjective and must be approved by African Idol judges. 

Jen says that she has danced for LA Clippers dance team, so she's confident that her experience translates to this task in the middle of Africa.  She's right, of course, because as Mister Rogers once said, titties always translate.

Jason and Lorena are in last place, but Jason's got a can't-miss strategy: Hope another team makes a mistake and then don't make any mistakes themselves.  When in doubt, go with hope.  The Motto of the Screwed.

As anticipated, Jen may know how to dance, but Nate is a hot mess.  The judges penalize them for having no creativity.  They have to wait 10 minutes before trying again. 

Grandpa says that he used to be a miner.  Somehow, that is supposed to help him with panning for gold?  Ooookaaaayyy.

Daddy is a wild dancer.  Or, at least, he's one of those people who thinks he's being funny/goofy and instead it just kind of makes you die inside to watch?  But Sissy makes sure to tell him, "Smile the whole time, okay?"  People shouldn't need to be reminded to smile.  It's one of my pet peeves.  It's like being told to shit my pants.  Either I'm going to or I'm not. 

Aw man, Team Hippie are harshing HARD on the dance steps.  I bet it would help if they could SEE the music, man.  You know, like with colors?  Awwwwwesooooommmmme. 

And now they're lost.

How did I know that Team Boring would have no rhythm?  I've seen better dancing at a blind amputee convention (August 20-24 - bring your tap shoes, this year's theme is "Whoooooaa, SHIT!!!!")   Oh Jesus, they somehow passed the task on the first try.  Black people get ALL the breaks.

U-Turn Twist!!  In a new game twist this year, teams have the option of U-Turning another team behind them, forcing the other team to perform BOTH previous tasks (in this case, shake your pan and shake your booty).

After Jen and Nate finally pass the dancing task, Jen says, "I am going to get so much crap from the dancing world when I get back."  Yes, Jen, the dancing world is up in arms.  Christ. 

The Hippies are still totally lost.  I'm sure they'll just treat it as a fucking vision quest or something.  However, there is a good chance they will die in the wild without some kind of African Doobage.

Daddy and Sissy are rubbing butt to butt in their dance.  Ugh, so disturbing.  The judges were not amused by their tribute to incest.  10 minute penalty.

Grandpa and grandson finished mining really fast.

Jen says they're not going to use the U-Turn on another team because "we are going to win this race like friggin' men".  Someone should tell her about having a vagina.

The female hippie (now no longer lost) must weigh all of 30 pounds.   Still, I would say she needs to lose five pounds to make it on television.

Along with their dance, Kunnt is going to "do a little improv too" to impress the judges.  It worked!  The judges loved/were scared of them. 

And now Team GG is lost.  Africa is like, big, ya'll.

Kuunt says he appreciates how gracious the Africans have been to them, "We look like aliens that dropped out of the sky or something, but they've been so warm".   If there is one thing Goths love, even more than being miserable, it's getting attention from Africans. 

Team CD are on all fours during their dance, for no discernible reason.  Officially, the sluttiest version of the dance so far.  Fortunately for them, two of the African judges are men. Jesus, it was all but a lapdance.

And now, team CD are U-Turning Jason and Lorena.  One of the blondes (who can tell the difference?) says "it's wrong".  But on the plus side, they love the picture of themselves that the Amazing Race provided.

The Hippies are officially against the U-Turn move.  Bad karma and shit, maaaaaan.

Team CD "had no choice" but to use the U-Turn on Jason and Lorena.  "Nobody's our friend.  It's a race and we can win a million dollars."  I have to say, I agree.  It always makes me sick when teams don't use the strategy because it's "bad karma". 

Here's this week's livestock!  Goat Market.  Roadblock: Ride a bike with a goat and supplies to a local market.  These goats are yelling like little babies.  No matter what you do, you just can't stop the horrible screaming of the lambs.

Lorena and Jason are finally at the detour.  Lorena says that "Puerto Ricans love to dance". And shake their tits, apparently.  You know what they don't like?  Milking camels.

God, this leg of the race is boring the shit out of me.  Someone HIT SOMEONE!!

Jen is having trouble with the bike: "Just calm down Nate, you're stressing me out!!"  Dollars to donuts, Nate is fucking someone while she's gone on that bike.

"That was the most culture shock I've ever had," Jen says after riding through a pretty rough African marketplace.  Because, you know, she's had a LOT of culture shock, going from West Hollywood to Downtown.

The Pit Stop for this leg of the race is in Unpronounceablename, Africa.  I think this leg may have been tacked on for some reason, because they didn't actually GO anywhere.  Lame.  I'm getting very sleepy..

Now that Jen has completed the task of riding through the African marketplace, she's in the cab with Jason.  "Jason, don't touch me.  I'm all hot.  Don't touch."  Then, remembering that he will cheat on her if she so much as sneezes, she says, "Okay, now you can.  Okay, touch me...TOUCH ME!!"  No insecurity there.  Look at us America!  We're in LOVE! 

Daddy is now ordering Sissy around in Korean (or whatEVER that language was), so that he doesn't look so bad to the TV viewing audience.  Asshole is asshole in any language, Skippy.

Now the one blonde is totally stressing about using the u-turn.  She's big into karma.  You know, because of Earl.

God, this leg is boring.  Have I mentioned that yet?

Kuunt is getting his butch on.  In an effeminate way, of course.

Goats ram you, according to one of the blondes from Team CD.  Good to know if you're ever trapped in a goat ring.

Team Boring is the winner of the leg AGAIN.  There's no stopping them.  They win motor scooters for finishing first.

Jen and Nate came in a VERY close second for this leg.  Jen said she "wanted it really bad.  I just feel like everyone should have their time and they've had their time two times."  So now she's bitching about Team Boring trying to be in first place.  The NERVE of them trying to win something called THE AMAZING RACE. 

NEWS FLASH!!  Not the best conditions in the African Outdoor Whole Foods.  Best not to look for expiration dates on those fish over there.

Vyxsin is touched by the mess in Africa.  She's getting her goth on.  The weight of the world is heavy.

BORED! 

The Africans are looking at the female hippie like SHE should put on weight.  How does someone who has to deal with the munchies that much not have any fat on them?

Lorena has professed her love for Jason.  Duh.  And now she's crying.  Jason says, "We'll make a million dollars another way.  Don't worry baby."  I'm sure "another way" involves prostitution, but why spoil this tender moment?

It's gotta be a non-elimination leg, right?

Jason tells Lorena, "Money doesn't make you wealthy, baby..."  Uh, Jason?  Yes, it does.  Because with money, you can BUY WEALTH!!  And love.

It IS an elimination leg!  I'll be damned. 

So Jason and Lorena are eliminated, meaning we will get no more opportunities to see her freak the hell out.  In review of what she's learned on the race, she's decided that she doesn't HAVE to get married now.  There's no need to rush into anything, according to her.  Sure, it's only been five years - no need to go crazy and jump in headlong. 

In a classic bit of male relationship justification, Jason says, "I'm down for any adventure.  There's some kind of confinement within a marriage that you can't have when you're free.  When two people are free, you can have a deeper kind of love, because you don't HAVE to be together."  Um, huh? 

Allow me to translate for Jason: "I'm down for banging this chick until she figures out that I'm never going to marry her, even though that's what she wants most in the world.  Marriage confines you into banging just the one chick, but when I'm only technically dating I can pretty much bang whoever I want.  When two people are free, they can have a deeper kind of love, preferably with many, many other women."

Okay!  That's it for this week.  According to the previews for next week, the blondes get hit by a bus.

Yeah, I'll tune in to that.

Comments

[patricia]

I was so hoping that it was a non-elimination round ... Just to see the blondes shit in their pants when Lorena and Jason showed up. But oh well. Can't have it all. Is it me or did Lorena sound like a bad porno movie when they were looking for gold? "Oh that's a big one. Big ones are good. Oh yeah." Okay. It's just me. Never mind.

[Trevor]

The decision to U-Turn confused me. I thought that the blondes had mistaken TK ("Too Kool for periods") and Rachel for Jason and Lorena. In their rationale, the blondes said that J&L were right behind them. But they weren't.

And if they didn't U-Turn the wrong team, why the hell did they bother forcing a team that was already way behind into becoming further behind? Way to make sure the inevitable stays inevitable.

I was so glad in the opening recap they showed the one blonde giving the camel that tug job. Most amazing moment in this amazing race.

[Scott-san]

See, I thought what Team CD did was appropriate. By U-Turning the LAST team (if that's what they MEANT to do), they ensured that team would remain last and get eliminated. They could have U-Turned Team Hippie, but they'll all be reunited on the plane ride outta Unpronounceablename anyway, so pick the low-hanging fruit on THIS leg. Y'know?

[Erin]

I'm with Scott. Damn good planning.

But we all know they thought they were U-turning the hippies.

[teahouseblossom]

All right, it's now Sunday night Dec. 2, and the episode ended half an hour ago. I watched every minute of it and now I'm waiting with baited breath for CW's update...can't wait for a good laugh!!