Unclean. UNCLEAN!!

In college, cleanliness is a relative term. Physically, I mean. 

Say, in a totally hypothetical example, that someone were to toss you a slice of pizza from across the room on a Sunday morning, because your body is physically incapable of generating foodstuffs on its own and is also incapable of moving the two and a half feet to the pizza box. 

And say, again hypothetically, that the aforementioned pizza were to overshoot your location and land on the floor nearby. Then say, for example, that within the last 24 hours someone else’s balls had been very near the exact spot on the floor where the pizza has landed (for reasons that I will not hypothetically go into here). Or, if you’re making your own example at home, they could hypothetically have been your own balls. 

Point is, in college, the mind does an excellent job of blocking out the hypothetical facts of nearly any given hypothetical real situation. 

And so, you slowly reach for the balls-adjacent slice and lightly brush it off before shoving it whole into your mouth. Then the orgasming can begin. Such is the importance of a higher education.

The concept of clean and unclean is rarely even considered during those formative years. Take showering, for instance. The idea that, at any point, one would need to clean one’s washcloth and towel seemed preposterous. Washcloth even has the word “wash” right there in it, if you look closely. Your washcloth and towel are constantly getting wet and are often in the same room as soap particles. A bathroom is basically a washing machine at a macro level, right? Sure it is.

The fact that I even used a washcloth should represent how advanced I was compared to the rest of the unwashed masses. An alumni once saw me pick up my washcloth and let out a disgusted UUUUuurrgggghhh sound. The washcloth tended to dry out and hold the form of whatever it had landed on when I was done with it.

“How can you use that to wash yourself? That’s disgusting!” he’d naively yelped.

“It’s just really dry in this house,” I remember justifying, “and besides, have you seen the shower downstairs? This washcloth is the least of my worries.”

It was true. One wall of the shower I used throughout most of my collegiate career was made of stacked stone that had been painted with some kind of mold-compliant whitewash. The perfect storm of filth and damp worked their magic in time and spots of black fungus began to form. Cute little furry Tribbles of fungus at first, there to watch the naked parade. Over time, however, the mold got mixed up in some nasty business with the local toughs and soon the entire wall was a black hole of yeast. It was downright awkward to shower in there, the wall looking at you, trying to sell you crank. It wasn’t so bad that anyone who showered there felt any sort of compulsion to actually clean the wall, but it was quite unsettling nonetheless.

Interesting side effect to the tolerance of the muck, however. With the questionably edible food and the black fungus shower and drinking whatever anyone put in a glass in front of you and putting your penis into whatever vagina someone put in front of you, one begins to feel relatively invincible against the common germ. 

Colds and flus and pneumonias would routinely walk up and slap me hard in the face with a white glove. I would simply laugh and point to the shower wall, which would then whisper, “Yo, influennnnzaaahhh, I’m holding, baby. You want jus' a little taste, maybe?”

I continue to harbor residual smugness in the battle with germs.  But germs, they have a way of getting back at you.  Ways that make you pray for death.  Which is the exact situation I found myself at 3:30 in the morning in the Heavenly Bed of my hotel room. 

Next: Part Two – This Flounder Is Delicious!

Comments

[Erin]

Your washcloth and towel are constantly getting wet and are often in the same room as soap particles. A bathroom is basically a washing machine at a macro level, right?

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING!

[Candy]

Why is it that men always feel they are invincible to all germs, when the truth is, they just haven't found the one they want to settle down with yet?

[TJ]

Ah, the mold. I lost a girl to that fungus. She didn't get sick. She started dating it. Bastard.

[leo]

One night I totally mixed up the "avoid touching the fungus plagued wall" and "put your penis inside whatever vagina's in front of you" rules, and - well - let's just say we're still waiting to get our deposit back on that apartment.

But seriously, I had no idea those CSI black light spunk wands worked on walls covered with black mold? I mean, my landlord admitting to my roommates what happened was tough, but sending my parents a plaster cast of the penis hole in the black mold barrier? That crossed the line.

[wlfldy]

I just thought all of the alcohol consumed was how the germs were held at bay. What exactly was the point of all that ta-kill-ya?

[Thomas]

I had a roomate in college who was so messy as to be a contagion of his own. We once had a seven week power struggle in which time I tacitly refused to clean the apartment. Two days into said power struggle he strolled down to KFC and got a two piece meal and left the bones sitting on the kitchen counter. Not on a plate, mind you, but directly on the counter. Seven weeks later they were still there.

I finally relented and spent most of two days cleaning the apartment and the really screwed up thing is that I'm not sure he ever even noticed any of this.

[Nee]

trying to sell you crank? lol.

[teahouseblossom]

I think washcloths are gross. I've spent my adult life learning to clean without one.

Now if you'd had a pouf, that would have been a much funnier story.

[sue]

Been there. Done that. I feel for you finding yourself on the bathroom floor.

[saucygrrl]

LOL! My washcloth does the same thing. What? It does!

[SG]

I just finished first year in one of the biggest residences in Canada. When you cram 1250 first-years into one building, it can't be good.
For every party in the building, there were some broken ceiling tiles, missing bathroom stall walls, and lots of puddles of alcohol and puke. And there were a lot of parties.
I'm so glad I've moved out for second year.

[The Black Crowe]

Having been in that shower of which you speak - I can verify to any readers that it is the truth. Disgusting does not give it justice. Let's not even mention what probably ended up in the soap and shampoo bottles that were left to fend for themselves. However, I know deep down it protected us from the many other unsanitary conditions we both encountered, often at the same time. The can of Alpo at the Christmas party didn't scare me at all. Neither did our late night runs to HyVee for the most bizarre canned seafood items we could find. Even the goldfish at Tripod's (3 legged cat) b-day party were no match for The Great Wall Fungus Amongus. We experienced, survived and live yet today. Peace My Brother!

[BDoyle]

Update.exe

Please?

[leo]

Shoot. If CW isn't gonna blog on his blog then I will, in the comments.

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[ cat picture ]

[ cat picture ]

[ cat picture ]

OMG, cats are so cute! Seriously! But seriously, cats are cute. If you ever say otherwise, I will slit your throat from ear to ear and laugh maniacally as I roll around in your jugular blood.

Cats bring out the best in me! Yay for cats! Except for when cats are boring, then nay for cats. NAY for cats.

I want to be a dog person, really I do - as I don't need another reason for people to think I'm gay. Or at least, really in touch with my emotions. Or something like that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love dogs, they're super cool. But they require *effort* and, as we can tell from my blogging efforts on my own site, effort isn't one of my strongest suits. (My strongest suit is actually Clubs, but I'm pretty sure I can cover you if you go nil).

I like to think I'm a pet person, but the more I think about it the less I think I am. Granted, I've never actually *had* a pet, so who knows - the minute I get Rover I could become a regular Steve Irwin (minus the dangling a baby above a crocodile thing, of course). With things like this, only time will tell.

Wow, that's really a crappy post. Thank GOD I didn't put that on my own site.

[jowste]

Hey, uh...not to complain or anything but...I think we'd all like to know.

What the hell happened to you?

[biffolot]

he's not coming back is he? *sob*
WHY OH WHY GOD!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??!
please come back CW! you promised us part 2!! i can't live without part 2!!!

*clears throat* ... yeah that's right, i'm cool.

[Snowy]

dear mr. witt,
please return to your writing at once. surely in the past 3 months *something* of note has occurred for you to expound upon. oui?

[biffolot]

yeahhhh!!!! what they said!

[Heisenburg]

He commented on Geese Aplenty, and must therefore still be alive...where, oh where, is Part Two???

[Greg]

Actually, commenting on my site is proof that you're completely and totally expired.