When Rebellion Is Mainstream

(I was out of town on business last week.  Though I had every intention of writing, that intention was co-opted by sleep.)

When I was young and adorable and all parts of me were wrapped tightly in virginity, I was asked by a friend to attend a sleepover "lock-in" party at his church.  My parents approved, obviously, as God would be monitoring the situation.  Though my friend wasn't Catholic, as I was, he was of a brand of religion known to be even more restrictive and devout, which had the tempered orgasmic blessing of my parents. 

By restrictive, I mean that my friend wasn't allowed to get sexual education instruction at our school with the rest of the class.  He was made to sit quietly in the library while the rest of us sat stunned in front of a series of movies that made our pants tighten and our stomachs knot.  When he'd walk back in the room every day after our sex ed was complete, we'd all give him knowing glances even though we had no idea what the hell we just witnessed.  All we knew was that we sure as hell weren't getting within ten feet of a vagina.  Turns out, those things bleed, dude.  I'll stick to my Star Wars action figures, thankyouverymuch.

By devout, I mean that it was the goal of the flock of my friend's particular religion (and, I suppose, most religions) to spread their word like manure across the countryside.  That's not a knock against his religion, it's just that I'm from Iowa and we like to use manure in most of our analogies.

Anyway, there I was, sitting in a chair in front of two adult members of his congregation in the basement of a school or possibly a church or an abandoned mental institution or slaughterhouse (my memory is fuzzy on this point), and they were discussing the finer points of their God (who, I believe it was implied, could totally kick the ass of my God).  There seemed to be a distinct emphasis on this being the "locked-in" part of the evening.  We'd already been bowling and they'd fed us and given us plenty of sugary drinks.  But now, as payment for the bowling and food and drinks, I was going to by-god hear about some salvationing.  They read from the Bible and gave me my own copy of the entire Book of John (door prize!) and asked what I thought about the whole wacky God thing.  At some point during the conversation, I think I bought a timeshare in the Keys and agreed to finance an Ark of some kind (no money down!).

Point is, they had done a decent job at brainwashing me.  I literally drank the Kool-Aid.  I began to hang out with my friend more and when I went over to his house one day, we began to talk about music.  I knew that there were certain things to which he was not allowed to listen, but I didn't really understand why.

"So what can you listen to?  What do you have here in your collection?"

"I have some kind of country and western stuff, I guess you'd call it.  Cowboy stuff that my dad used to listen to.  Gene Autry.  It's good.  He sings about life and I can understand what he's saying."

"Yeah, but...like, what about more recent stuff?  Do you listen to the radio?"

"Not much.  Just a lot of wailing to me."

"But like, there's this new Prince record that's really cool.  From his movie?  Pretty much every song on it is a hit!  You should listen to it.  I can bring it over."

This is where the friendship took a decidedly negative turn.  Based upon how red his face got and how he began to stammer, you would've thought I just asked him to fellate me during recess the next day.

"Prince is..he's Satan in disguise.  His music...it has hidden backward lyrics and it turns people into children of Satan.  You shouldn't listen to it.  You'll go to...you'll...You're going to Hell."

And there it was.  Lost cause.

"Yeah.  But uh...I mean.  Have you listened to it?  Because it's really pretty good.  I don't think I'm into Satan now or whatever.  I mean, it's got a good beat, ya know?  When Dove's Cry?  It's good.  It's on the radio, so I don't think Satan is on it or whatever."

"Satan is very tricky.  Maybe you should go."

I could tell that he needed a very hot shower.  Or a bath in holy water.  Cleansing needed to be performed, that much was clear.

I was pretty confused, so I did what any decent young Christian person would do in order to get back on the path to righteousness.  I sprinted home on my bike and played Purple Rain backward on my parent's record player.  I couldn't really make out much, but it turns out that at the end of Darling Nikki, there are backmasked lyrics wherein he says, "Hello, how are you? I'm fine because I know that the lord is coming soon, coming, coming soon. Ha ha ha ha ha."  It's definitely freaky and undoubtedly the work of Satan.  Also the work of Satan?  That stuff that Nikki does with the magazine.  Satan is evil, but also extremely sexy.

The reason that this story has jumped to the top of mind recently is that it seems that my musical heroes have to die, reinvent/"sell out" or fade away.  I mean, come on, if you would've said that Prince would be playing halftime at the Super Bowl twenty years ago, there would've been rioting in the streets.  And the Red Hot Chili Peppers closing the Grammy awards?  Twenty years ago, they never would've gotten past security.  I can't fault them for shape-shifting to speak to a new generation (because Satan loves the shape-shifting), but it's all-of-the-sudden very bizarre to me.  Put more succinctly, I'm fucking old and I'm not happy about it.  Fat lot of good it did to devote my life to Satan when I listened to Purple Rain backwards.   I never even got my autographed "I (Heart) Satan" t-shirt.  Total gyp.

Comments

[Brad]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who was freaked out by the fact that he was waaaay out of place at the SuperBowl. Being old sucks, yo. Although, I'd still book NIN or Tool for my retirement party, if they were willing.... and they just might be.

[coolbeans]

Watching Prince during halftime, my kids asked, "Who is she? Wait. What?" and then I realized I'm a terrible mother. My kids don't know who Prince is.

Backward Pokemon is even more evil than forward Pokemon. Pokemon is not sexy.

[biffolot]

hehehe
"it was the goal of the flock of my friend's particular reigion"??
took me a while to figure out i'd read that wrong.. was quite confused. :s
side note: Don't look at the light! come back to the dark side my child.. its soooo much more fun!

[Snowy (and LT)]

HEATHEN!

[Scott-san]

I went to a Christian summer camp four years in a row (around the "middle school years" (a.k.a., the Dark Years). We had one week of Vacation Bible School every summer, and the counselors would sometimes get preachy (when they weren't making us piss in a can and then take turns carrying the can back to camp). Anyway, once, while on a trip to Disney World, the counselors had some kind of revival where there was a bonfire and several "campers" started throwing their "profane" music into the fire. Which is where I drew the line. And, very soon after, decided that perhaps Christianity wasn't for me. It was really cutting into my Sundays, so I told my mom, "I don't think I believe in God."

[Alan]

It was a sad day for me when I realized that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were now middle of the road and represented what I hate about big label artists. I remember when The Uplift Mofo Party Plan came out and they were actively pushing the envelope at every turn. I guess a lot of that was Hillel Slovak though, and now they're just milking the cow.

[Erin]

"I was pretty confused, so I did what any decent young Christian person would do in order to get back on the path to righteousness."

I was PRAYING the next sentence started with "Wank".

[teahouseblossom]

I didn't realize you were a fellow Catholic. I feel so much closer to you now.

My church lock-ins always involved been locked in the room and watching films of fetuses getting aborted all night. Good times.

[Sabrina]

My parents are near-ascetics, but I still witnessed the "Miracle of Birth."

(Only because my parents are oblivious to the events of my schoolday.)

[Consigliere]

Felt the same way when I heard the Violent Femmes being used in a commercial.

[Xdm]

1)I got invited to one of those church dealies when I was about 12. My new BFF Andrea. I won't tell you what she was but it started with a Mor and ended with a mon. I asked my Mom if I could go and she said, "Like bloody Hell!" (Imagine that in an Irish accent.) That was the end of my FF.
2) I got my sex Ed sitting next to Irish mother on a metal folding chair in the basement of St. Mary's watching a projector movie about a cartoon sperm in a top hat that delivers flowers to an egg. Listening to the Mnsgr explain masturbation fks you up way worse.
3) Man. Uplift Mofo. Yeah brother! I guess we have all been listening to the RHCP for longer than we have NOT been listening to the RHCP.

[styro]

The first time I ever got finger-banged was at a church lock-in. By the dude who was supposed to be "in charge." (He was 17, I was 14, it was not as creepy as that sounds.) Also, Prince is a Jehovah's Witness.
http://www.adherents.com/largecom/fam_jw.html

Which is funny, because last I checked, I thought they were anti-dancing and anti-sexy. But you know, whatever, BYGONES.

[shroud-of-darkness]

I must say that I greatly appreciate this site, for assuring me that there is still some intellect left somewhere in the world. I praise thee and all these pieces of art that are being insulted by the word "Blog". Much love.

[shroud-of-darkness]

I must say that I greatly appreciate this site, for assuring me that there is still some intellect left somewhere in the world. I praise thee and all these pieces of art that are being insulted by the word "Blog". Much Love.

[shea]

where in iowa...i'm from iowa as well...great story.