Fathers and Sons

When I was 8, I was alone at home on New Year's Eve.  My parents were celebrating at a neighbor's house and I had the rare privilege of staying up until midnight to watch strangers in a far away place rejoice in saying goodbye and hello simultaneously.

I shut off all the lights, letting the blue glow of the television encircle me as I sat cross-legged, praying to its altar.  I counted down quietly along with the announcer, but I didn't really know what to do at midnight.  Everyone was so excited.  I felt hollow.

It was 1980, my first new decade.  As I sat there, I thought about what the next ten years of life would bring.  Ten years.  Literally a lifetime for me.  Waves of sadness slammed against me as I slowly calculated that everyone in my life would be dead or gone in the next ten years.  My brother and sister are both more than 5 years older than me.  They would be gone away to school or jobs or maybe Mars.  Surely my parents wouldn't live past the age of fifty.   Even if they did live to be that old, they'd be hooked up to heart-pumping machines and electronic voice boxes by that time, right?  Maybe I'd only be able to hug their brain in a fishbowl.  I couldn't handle that.  Do you have to feed the brain in a bowl?  Like with a shaker or something?  God, it's too much.  I started to cry.  It was as close to goth as I ever got, thank Jesus.

Two and a half decades later and nothing is as I imagined.  My family is still around and healthy.  None of us ever made it to Mars.   Disco is dead. 

But now I'm at a new age of reflection.  Maybe at 35 years old, it's a mid-life crisis.  Maybe it's just the constant reminders that this moment is the last that any of us are guaranteed.  Or maybe it's this:

My dad turns 70 years old today. 

I know you don't know him and you probably don't know me, but trust me, this is weird.  My dad is stuck in my mind in a perpetual loop at age 44.  Old people are 70, right?  My dad's not old.  I'm not old.  Neither of us are ever going to age.

If you do the math - oh hell, who are we kidding, you don't have enough fingers and toes - I am half the age of my father today.  This age, my age, is the age at which he had me.  His last child, happy accident and ruiner of dreams.

We're a lot alike my dad and me, but so different too.  I wouldn't have my sense of humor without him and I learned his loyalty and work ethic firsthand.  At nineteen, he had some crazy, wild times with his buddies in a house they shared in his hometown.  At nineteen, I had some wild, crazy times with my buddies in a house we shared in my hometown.

But from there, he went to fight overseas, doing things that he's still not sure if he's allowed to tell us to this day.  When he came back, he stayed in that hometown and started a family .  He's been there ever since, a rock to which the rest of his family anchors.  He is the laughter and the stories and the hope and the encouragement for everyone he meets, every day.  Simply, he is the dad that everyone wants.

I know I'm lucky to have him in my life still.  Not everyone gets the time they need with their own dad.  The moment gets taken away from them too soon or the connection is broken through stubbornness and anger.  But dad and I have said the things you are supposed to say to each other as father and son.  We say it every time we're together.  Even so, it never seems like enough. 

So here's what I've learned:  We all live for one another, fathers and sons and mothers and daughters and friends and lovers.  We live for one another to make moments and share secrets and tell stories, true and false.  It's so much easier than we make it. 

I love you, dad.  Happy Birthday.

Dad at his 70th birthday party, getting some action from Ron.

Comments

[teahouseblossom]

Beautiful post. I'm sure your parents are glad they had a happy accident like you.

And Ronald McDonald looks pretty happy..after all of those kids it's nice to fondled by a real man.

[Nomes]

Bastard. I'm at work. And now I've mascara seeped tear spots on my page.

Thanks though.

[TJ]

Nice. Glad you know how lucky you are.

Now, seriously, that tank top wouldn't be hypercolor, would it?

[Codi]

i am laughing at work and ppl think i am nuts already. OMG who are You? i can not figure out how to subscribe to your page but i am laughing so hard i might have to pee... the guy who sent me this link said you are the male version of me... i only WISH i could be as insightful... thanks.

[drummergirl]

happy birthday, cw's dad!

my mom is turning 60 this year and i still can't believe it.

also, disco will never be dead.

[styro]

My dad turns 74 this year. I still think of him as perpetually 45.

Happy Birthday to yr pop!

[sue]

What a wonderful post...

[briantologist]

I love how Ronald looks kind of simultaneously surprised and pleased, like he didn't think he was gonna get any this afternoon, but whoah!

And yes, fine, that was lovely. My dad turned 60 and I'm baffled by this, as my dad is like 45.