Weenie

I didn't leave a light on for trick or treaters this year.  Mostly because I don't like children, but also because I don't need to be buying a forty pound bag of Snickers minis and then only hand out two candy bars to the one child who actually does knock at our door.  Nobody comes around anymore, probably because I slipped a few Viagra into the candy last year and the FBI jumped all over my ass.  Not much for a quality prank, the Feds.  Say what you will, an eight year old in an Incredible Hulk costume with an erection is just funny.   Especially if you can get him to say, "Don't make me angry - you wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

ANYway, I left the light off this year and I didn't get so much as a knock or a ring.  However, I did have to take the dogs outside to sniff grass and just as I got to the front door, I looked out and saw a mom and dad and a little princess standing on our steps.  In the dark. 

"PUSH THE DOORBELL," the father was stage whispering.

"NooooooooooOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH," the princess whined.

"JUST PRESS IT," he whisper-shouted with disappointment.

"uuuuuuHHHHHHNNNNGGGGG," she replied, convincingly.

I can relate.  I've always hated going up to a strange house.  Lord only knows what sorts of naked scratching is going on within. 

So I opened the door quickly as the dogs signaled the impending END OF LIFE ON EARTH AS WE KNOW IT and I shouted, "Sorry, the dogs are out, I've got to take them out.  Please just give me ten minutes.  I'm really sorry."

The dad okayed me and said no problem, he understands, they have dogs too.  The little girl was in the midst of a whine that only the dogs could hear and they walked away as I shut the door and waited for them to get far enough away to ease the dogs outside.

Truth is, I have no candy.  We really didn't buy any.  But now, like, I've committed.  Why did I say "give me ten minutes"?  Was I going to whip up a batch of Butterfinger?  Why can't I just say GO AWAY, WE DON'T LIKE CHILDREN HERE while I'm hanging brain in a wife beater?  I'm gutless, is why.

So I took the dogs for a walk and the whole time I'm trying to run through what I have in the house that I can give the Princess, like extra bibles or maybe a banana; anything to get her to not come back next year.

I settled on a pack of my Orbitz gum, which I chew as if it were rubberized crank, so I always have plenty on hand.  What kid doesn't like sugar free, bubble-free gum?!

I got back in the house as I saw them making their way back up the street.  Again, TECHNICALLY, they wouldn't have come back and I would've been fine.  But I can't let shit go.  So I grab the pack of gum and stand in my hallway for a minute thinking how lame it is.  I decide to check the pantry quick on the off chance that there's like a can of chocolate soup or a case of gum balls or something and what do I see on a low shelf toward the back?  A full size Snickers.

I grab it and run outside and up the block until I catch the family.

"Princess!" I shout.

Her dad, the King, was cleverly dressed in his outfit as a bekhakied desk jockey. 

"Honey, wait, I think this man has something for you..."

The Princess curled around to the backside of her mommy as I approached. 

Since she was already scared, I punched her dad and stole his wallet and then gave her mom my business card and told her to call me when she wanted a real man.

Okay, that part didn't happen, but only because I didn't think of it at the time. 

I gave the candy bar to her dad because there was no way she was going to come within a half-block of me. 

"You came to my door, so you deserve a treat, Princess," I said and walked away.

I think it's a sweet story, so shut up.  It's even sweeter if I leave off the part about how the candy bar is four years old and the Princess will probably get the runs because of it.

I gave away a valuable lesson for Halloween this year: Don't take candy from strangers.

Comments

[patricia]

On one of my final halloween expeditions, we knocked on a lady's door and when she answered she gave us this long winded story about how she'd had a hard day and hadn't had time to stop by the store to buy candy. picture a little gang (in the truest sense of the word not like today where that would mean we were carrying machetes and glocks) of costumed kids on a porch rolling our eyes and literally saying, 'listen lady. it's halloween, the deal is we knock and you give us free stuff.' we cajoled and whined until she promised to go buy something just for us. she told us to come back in thirty minutes and even though that totally meant we had to backtrack on our route, we went back and wouldn't you know, she'd actually gone to the store.

lesson learned from that? never open the fucking door on halloween. i still practice that to this day. i love kids, but fuck they can be greedy little shits. i should know. i was one of them.

[mark]

I think its sad that more and more houses have their lights turned off because no one wants to be put out to buy some candy and get up off their asses. No one thinks about all the little kids that spend time at home getting ready and excited to wear the costume that mom and dad bought a month ago..then when the time comes, a bunch of selfish bastards turn their lights off and plop their asses on the couch. I think its heartless.

[snowy]

i never get any T-O-T's and would acutally *like* to pass out candy. i live down the street from a freaking school so where the hell are these little munchkins? HUH? WHERE ARE THEY?! I WANT TO GIVE THIS CANDY AWAY TO FESTOONED LITTLE GHOULS GODAMBIT!
so i guess i'll be eating me some nutty coconut n chocolate this year.

[PJ]

Before we recently moved from the Chicagoland suburbs, we used to get 200+ tricksters on Halloween. And a few times I DID have to turn my lights off (like an hour after the time was up), it's because I RAN OUT, after spending over $75 on candy, because other parents would drop their kids off in our 'rich' neighborhood (NOT), and follow them up and down the streets, cruising in their minivans, burning gas. Now we live in the middle of nowhere, and I had 6 kids come last night, and they had to be driven here. Oh! Cute farm kids! I hope you liked my treats! You totally deserve full-size bars!

But in case no one was going to come, I always buy stuff I like: Reese's, Butterfingers, and Hershey bars. And I always stole stuff from my kid, because that is a parent's perogative. Score! Charleston Chews and Sixlets! Not enough people give those out these days.

Oh, and I always had a friend come over and drink wine with me while we enjoyed the costume parade, so really, what's not to like here?

Embrace the magic. And the wine. And the candy.

[drummergirl]

"you came to my door, so you deserve a treat, princess"

seriously. how many times have used that line?

[sue]

I don't mind giving candy to the little kids...it's the teenagers and *cough* ADULTS that come to the door that drive me nuts. Then again, we live in the country now and no one comes to the door! Bonus!