The Umbrella Effect

I was reading an article about Andre Agassi in Sports Illustrated (SI subscription required for link) the other night that gave me a bit of understanding about myself.

Andre Agassi, as you may know, was a major pain in the ass in his younger years.  He was beyond brash and more than boorish.   He was, simply, the prime example of too much money and too much fame too young. 

The article focuses on the shift in Andre today.  Devoted father, husband and legitimate humanitarian.  The interviewer (acclaimed writer Gary Smith) goes in search of the Andre that was and the Andre that is, in order to find the key to the transformation.  The interview, for me, came down to this paragraph (as written from Smith's POV):

You were sitting in front of a fire after dinner, looking around a house without a single trophy, plaque or tennis picture, without a nanny, maid or cook, asking him how he came to see the big picture, how he got it ... and he started shaking his head no, saying that he hadn't got it, that he still couldn't see the big picture. I can't see anything objectively or in context, he said. I wish I could. It drives me crazy. It causes a lot of problems. Show me a drop of water, and I'm fine. I'll learn everything about it. But don't show me the ocean. Don't show me the whole forest. Every time I try to see the big picture, I'm finished, I'm lost....

What struck me first, and always strikes me, is when someone believes that another person "gets it".  I've been told on three very memorable occasions, "CW, you get it."  Life.  Got it figured out.

I've always latched onto that and I think I've discovered something.  There's so many people out there looking for the answer.  Looking for the one or the one thing or the way.  And I do have it figured out.  I get the big picture.  I see the whole forest and I have perspective on the ocean. 

My problem, I've only now come to realize, is that I have the opposite problem from Andre and so many others.  I only see the big picture.  The fine details are lost to me.  I can't see the trees, only the forest.  The waves on the ocean are a blur.  I only see the vast blue.   

It's not that I don't know how to enjoy the moments as they pass - Lord knows I don't have a problem with that - it's more that I have made a habit of ignoring the inside pieces of the puzzle.  If I want to see what it looks like, I'll check the front of the box.

I don't even know if this is a bad thing.  I see the umbrella covering my life. The enormity of it and the thin fragility.  If I spend all of my time focusing on the mechanisms (I have to work for 30 more years and my parents will probably be dead in the next 10 years and the house needs to be painted and friends come and go and...) will I only end up getting wet?  Open the umbrella.  Get out of the rain.

It's a weight.  If I let it be.  Is ignorance bliss or denial?

Ugh. 

I don't know. 

I'm just going to go sit on a beach on Grand Bahama and forget about the world.

I'll see you in a week.

Comments

[Snowy]

I think the main thing is that you are a happy person in a strong and loving relationship. You live a full life, make many smile on a regular basis, are generous to the Nth degree... i could go on.
I wouldn't focus on the donut hole here--chiding yourself for what you are not, just relish that which you are and be the best version of yourself.

[Matt]

That Snowy, she's a smart one. Besides, this way when you and Agassi play doubles, you can take care of each other. He can score the points (the details), and you can keep track of the score (the big picture).

[Chris]

Sit on the beach. Relax. You'll regain perspective in ways you probably aren't even thinking of right now. Have fun!

[aahero]

Im there - bring weed

[MP]

It's not a beach...Just a bunch of tiny little rocks.

[gallen]

Your same quandary has baffled me many a time. I too have been complimented that I "have it together", only to be left in confusion rather than a glow of pride at the compliment. As a meticulous-ideological-perfectionists, aphormisms and adages never satisfied. I wanted, nay needed, to know. However, I found that one just cannot know the big picture. You can't control everything; you're not a god. Take care of the details, the details add up eventually, and leave the big picture for faith (or fate). Years down the road, you'll gain a greater appreciation for where you have been and where you are now.