Dear Life, Fuck You

On the day that I turned 35, my wife called to tell me that her 10-year anniversary ring and her wedding ring had been stolen.  I don't want to get into too much detail, other than to say that the cops have been SUPER helpful, in that they couldn't assign a detective to it for three weeks because "the person who assigns cases is out right now".  But once a detective was assigned, they got right on it.  And then immediately off of it.  The rings are gone, our insurance likely won't cover the full cost and no fucking body cares.  In the meantime, some asshole has fucked with something that is very important to my wife and I and I'm simply left with an extreme amount of pent-up rage.  I hope the son of a bitch gets cancerous herpe-aids.  The lingering kind.

Less than a week later, while jumping off of a cliff into a lake (with Sundance), I lost my own wedding ring.  Well, I guess "lost" is a subjective term.  I know pretty much right where it is, 60 feet below the surface of the water, in some mud and fish shit.

My mood really improved later in the week, when my  cousin Toby told me about an email that he sent at work that got him kicked off the project he was on.  He told me that when a client tells you that he wants the truth, he is lying.  Never, never, never tell the client the truth.  He doesn't want the truth.  He wants a more realistic lie.

Toby told me that news on the first day of my five day vacation.  Things went downhill from there.  At pretty much the exact moment that Toby got the news that he was kicked off the project, I got sick and spent almost the entire vacation on the couch, sweating and hacking and blowing. 

However, I was determined to not let my broken-down body get the best of me, so I decided to spend some time sitting by the lake.  Maybe the fresh air would help.  I threw on my swimming suit and grabbed a lounge chair and fishing pole and headed down to the dock.

As I was baiting my fishing line, I felt a bit of a gassy build-up from my banana-strawberry smoothie from breakfast.  I looked around and didn't see anyone within a half-mile of the dock.  Surely nobody would hear me let out a little toot.  I'm just gonna let it squeak out here...

Oop.

Soft-serve chocolate ice cream.  In my pants.

Correction.  In my swimsuit.

He's 35 years old. 

Oh, and now the hook from my fishing line is stuck in my finger.  Let me tell you, it's tough to concentrate on removing a hook from your finger when you've got Ben and Jerry making Fudgy-Dockside Surprise in your pants.

For those of you who may not be "In-The-Know", men's swimsuits often come with a mesh lining.  Such as I was wearing.  So, essentially, I had just created the worst Play-Dough fun-factory ever.

Without going into too much more detail, let me just say that a shower was needed.  Let us never speak of it again.  Never, ever, ever again.

The next day the doctor told me that I had strep throat.  I assume that shitting your swimsuit is a symptom of strep.  It is.  Fuck you.

I spent the next week on the couch or in bed.  Swallowing food became an adventure in cringing.

Last week, I had to go to Boston for work.  It was cold and rainy and Bostony.  My wife called on Wednesday to tell me that she needs to have a root canal. 

Yesterday, just after I'd finished my morning shower in the hotel, I opened the shower curtain and noticed that it directly faced the large mirror above the bathroom sink.  There I was, in all my glory, wet and lumpy. 

And then the hotel fire alarm went off.

I just stood there.  Looking at myself.

This is thirty-fucking-five years old.

I slowly began to dry off, the alarm shrieking on the wall like a howler monkey trying to hit the high note from Vision of Love.  I glared at it.  It remained unfazed.

Fifteen minutes later I walked through the hotel lobby to the smell of burnt waffles.

Well this is it motherfuckers.  I'm back.  No more bullshit luck.  Things are going to start happening to me now!!

Watch the fuck out.

Comments

[Grampa]

That's beautiful, man.

[Sandy]

I feel your pain, truly I do but I have to tell you while reading this I laughed my ass off.

Damn, what a way to bring in another year. Things will get better, I hope, I think - they have to, right?

Hope you're feeling better and like you, hope the asshole that stole your wife's rings rots in STD hell....

[alice]

one word: doh.

i was having higher expectations when i reached 35 years old. but now, i'm not too sure if i want to celebrate it anymore. perhaps, i'll do a mourning thing on the eve of 35.

happy belated birthday.

[jacquelyn]

just when i think i can't smile any harder, when i think it's peaked, when i'm practically weeping,

you quote the jerk.

slow clap man, slow clap.

[mark]

welcome to middle age. now go by a sports car as a Band-Aid.

[cadiz12]

so you've fulfilled your quota for the year. by the time you're 35 1/2, all that crap will be a bad memory.

[Chris Meyer]

I honestly do not think you or your wife should be so upset about your rings, and I hope you don't purchase replacements. I understand that what they represent is very important to you, but it is that love itself that matters, not these pieces of metal. These rocks. They are but symbols, and very expensive ones. Expensive not only financially to you but in other, more harmful ways.

My home is near the Homestake gold mine in South Dakota. Until it was recently closed it was the longest running and among the largest gold mines in the world. It takes several metric tons of waste to produce an ounce of gold. The remnants are still here.

They destroyed mountains, polluted rivers, devastated wildlife, risked and lost workers' lives, all to exploit less than a truckload of gold.

People lie, cheat and steal for this. People murder each other for this. Civilizations fight wars for this. Every purchase increases these metals' value and these people's bloodthirsty desire of them.

And to what end? Shameless extravagance. Certainly, gold has practical use, but if valued on this alone it would be worth as much as copper.

Humanity's obsession with shiny substances is absurd. I hope you will do your part to reduce this senselessness.

[TJ]

Here I was all set to make some mild, yet sympathetic, joke about your recent turn in luck, CW, and Chris goes and reminds me that the new season of Deadwood is starting tonight.

Also? Kill your television. And stop eating at Taco Bell.

Stay away from those cans. Love,
Whitey

[Oreos]

shit happens man. things will get better, if only because you'll get used to more shit happening.

[sabrina_c]

I am in the same sort of boat. First my best friend broke both of her feet trying to scale a fifteen foot fence. Then I dislocated my ankle running naked on the beach at 4am. Now we're both fucking cripples. Going out of the house sucks beyond belief.

[MP]

That's fucking funny man! Had me shitting gold bricks. Of course I didn't pollute some snow owls habitat to produce those bricks, but I'd at least recommend not entering my immediate area for quite some time.
P.S. For personal reasons I hope the chair is O.K.

[Amy]

Wow, sucks, I gotta say. It has to get better, right? I only have 2 months until I'm 35 and now I'm a little apprehensive....

[Brad]

Shit man, I'd tell you to go on a Cruise or something, but you'd probably end up as a buoy, leaving behind only a bloody trail.

Hope things pick up for you. I'm really looking forward to 35 now. Hey. Don't push to hard, or you might pop out a hemmoroid.

[Snowy]

i was having a rather crummy day, but then i read this. and now i have "lemonade" in my pants.

thanks a lot mister! i feel your pain brother.

kiss kiss. (but not on the mouth you raging pile of group A streptococcus!)

[drummergirl]

never? ever?

in other news, ben & jerry's dock-side fudge surprise has been discontinued.

[gg]

*oh*
*god*
*funny*
*can't breathe ...*

*gasp*

[UnderwearNinja]

See, that's the sort of thing that happens to you when you don't post on your blog for 3 weeks!

Kidding! Hope things get better!

[anny]

this post kicked ass. i hope you do too! :)

[erika]

I once shat myself while wearing tights. Walking across the college campus. In broad daylight.

[Erin]

I had a whole other comment about ice cream planned, but Erika? OMG.

[Cathy In Canada]

We all have to bleed the valve now and then ...but if you always trust a fart ...shit happens.

:)

[cher]

Okay, I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, truly I"m not, but I just have to ask.. is your last name Murphey? Sorry that the big three five got off to such a bad start, but things can only look up, correct?

[mia]

I wish I had something useful to say, something all Zen that would help you to just roll with it... but instead, I can only think of Dockside Surprise via the mesh in the shorts. So, I shall quote the Simpsons :

Young Carl: Have you heard about this Internet thing?
Young Lenny: Internet?
Young Carl: Yeah, its the inner netting they invented to line swim trunks. It provides a comforting snugness.
[later]
Young Moe: Are you guys really gonna dive off of here?
Young Lenny: Not me. I'm shaking like a French soldier.
Young Carl: Yeah, I think I just logged on to my internet.

[Sandy]

Now.. see.. that's the reason the commerical says:
"I'm 40 and I'm better than I've ever been"
The 30's are a biotch.
Try being 56.... :(

[teahouseblossom]

Sorry dude. If the fishies won't tell about your poopy swim trunks, then neither will we.

[styro]

God, I fucking love you, man.

[Scott-san]

If 35's nearly as fun for me (just a few more months) . . . I'm gonna fuckin' OFF myself. At least I won't have to LIVE through shitting my pants.

[Life]

Fuck you too, man. Geez.

[Dusty]

Sweet Jesus in a thong..this is the funniest, most saddest story I have ever read..you rock..after you clean up of course.

[Skippy]

God you are so funny! I haven't had such a string of quivering belly laughs in months.
I keep laughing out loud as my cat gives me sour looks.
Thank you for your pent-up anger!
Screw these psych books I been readin'. **toss**

-Constant Weeder

[shevska]

your writing gives me pleasure CW

stop being a fucking pansy girl. write your book

love from

a hot slender cheerleader in Australia

[shevska]

...a hot slender cheerleader in her 20s

[michael]

there is too much on this page to comment to, i just want to say thank you to everone who posted already because it seems that people here are real and everywhere else they seem to be extremely fake, i doubt if i will check to see who responds to this but i hope everything works out for you all

[sarah]

No shit!
this story kept me laughing. About how much this is like my own clumsy life.
hope you survive!
Don't give up!

[Lisa Shacknofsky]

This happened a long long long time ago - Yes I laughed my arse off - but have been down that same road myself - You were just stuck in a pattern of negativity - Get the Secret - Wish I took my own advice. Wishing you lots of happiness.

[logan upton]

FUCKIN A THAT WAS SO FUNNING I WAS SHITING IN MY PANTS NOT REALLY JUST MY STOMACH HURTS FROM LAUGHING TO MUCH AND THIS WAS A HELL OF A GOOD STORY

[Nikki]

FUCK.. THAT SUCKS WELL IM ACCUALLY ONLY 15 YEARS OLD AND MY PARENTS WENT OUT OF TOWN last week my boyfriend came over and brought a whole bunch of scum bags with him somebody ended up staling my moms jewlery, check books, my dads guns, and our fucking safe so i didnt know what the fuck i was going to do well then the night after that me and my friends decited to drive to Buhl and i dont quite have my drivers licence we got there and my friends wanted to leave they kept begging me so finally i gave up and said fuck leave and they dont have there drivers licence either they call me 10 min later to tell me they got pulled over i was fucked because we had stolen my sisters car!!!! so they called there parents, they dont get there drivers licence til there 18 and we all have to go to coart im grounded for 6 months and i got my cell phone taken away so all i have to say is fuck life!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shenaz]

U HAVE TO READ THE BOOK THE SECRET N WATCH THE MOVIE ........ u indirectly set urself up for all da u experienced .....

[Alec]

I think I would have killed myself by this point. Haha, it's not all that bad. Just never tell anyone.

[Fucker]

Dude...

[You're a pussy]

You got pissed off because you lost a stupid piece of metal? Is this the worst thing to have happened in your life? You are a faggot, go jump off a cliff and tell your wife to do the same. You two don't deserve to live.

[Paasser by]

That was hilarious, and absolutely genius. I can't tell how fucked up am I, obviously I stumbled in this page when I wrote "Fuck life" in Google, yet I laughed from my heart.
I almost forgot the last time I laughed like that, Bless you :-)

[that one guy]

wow much like the guy who posted before me i found this by typing "fuck life" in my google toolbar
i cant say im close to being 35 or that any of that shit has happened to me, but im in college and have had one bad day after another after another to build into weeks of torture.
im sorry you are having such a shitty 35 but thank you for making my rough life seem a bit smoother.
and look at it this way, it could have always been worse, when you jumped into the water you could've hit a rock and died.
and in the hotel the time you took to dry off couldve been the time it took for your entire hallway to erupt in flames.

[CoolFlames]

Wow. I'm in College too, and it can be pretty shitty as well. But I guess life doesn't just get better as we age. It gets harder, with different challenges. Know that when your dead, u won't dwell on any of it, so whats the point of dwelling on it now =-P

Keep your head up.

[Franklin]

This was hilarious. I found this by typing "Fuck Life" on Google too. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope things have gotten better since then.

[T]

No offence, but thats just some bad luck. funny - yes. not a reason to say "fuck life"

your partner leaving your or cheating on you. losing your house, your job those are reasons....

think about it...

[Ryan]

I typed "Fuck Life" into my Google search bar and lo and behold, in all your 35 year old glory, here was your entry.

I am in a completely shitty state, and I have to apologize - your tales of one misfortune after the next did make me smile, and in fact, I read it twice, now my Guinness in warm.

Sincerely,

Fuck Life.

[someguy]

bruh shit gets stolen, sorry for ur lost but ur complaining cause ur wifes stuff got stolen. U HAVE A WIFE!!! thats somethin to be happy bout. yea life sucks but u cant look at small or mediocre things fuck wit u, let the big life changin shit fuck wit u...and sorry im a lil on edge rite now and in a fuck everyone attitude

[just a guy]

You owe google a thank you, because I too stumbled here from the good ol' search box.

Another college boy, with problems that suddenly seem so irrelevant, whose stomach also hurts from your true story-telling abilities. Ignore the people who are being ignorant, and who clearly can't decipher tone through text, or 15 year olds who need their* English refreshed. I'm saving this link, and anytime I feel down, or on the flip-side, the next time I feel high, I'm going to read this and just smile. Life isn't all that bad after all.

:)

[Brien]

I too stumbled upon this beautiful rant of disdain for the human nature from Google. I just typed in "Fuck life," because I was wondering if anyone was having, or had experienced, a shitty period of time worthy for Guinness itself. Your witty humor combined with the harshness of the honest manly opinion about things such as the "symptoms" of strep throat, utter hate for people who steal, or your sheer love for the police force really brightened my day. Thank you.

[dgdg]

Thanks it's nice to know that other people just want to fuck life sometimes too.

[jeff]

Hey... please forgive me for typos I am on an ipod touch. I cant honestly say I feel a hundred percent better after reading this but i do feel a little better. I was just grounded from driving to my own highschool graduation next week. Shit happens. Im going to go look at the next fuxk you link on google. Peace...

[dan]

you're really fuck-up man...fuck you

[Greg]

Well, I guess I wasn't the only one who case across this after typing in a google search- mine was "fuck this life". I just turned 33. My wife & I just celebrated our 10 year wedding Anniversary. Our weekend at the beach was uneventful, but we had a good time being alone together. When we got back, stress was here waiting. Normal, daily life stress. Then come Cinco De Mayo. We go up to our favorite restaurant, one we've been going to for years. The owners & staff know us, as patrons & it just happends to be a Mexican restaurant. We had dinner, each had a drink & headed home with the kids. We deceided to head back up there when a freind of ours called to say he was going up there. So we put our youngest to bed, left our oldest in charge ( yes, he's old enough) & headed on. Well, we had a couple drinks, but that's when things get weird. Normally, I can handle my alchohol, but either these drinks were potent, or I don't know what. I noted first that my wife was more outgoing than usual. I didn't think much of it at the time- good to see her have fun & let her hair down. I swear we didn't drink that much, but time go away from us- we never intended to stay out late at all. My memory doesn't serve me well after a certain point in the evening, and I still haven't put it all together, yet. I woke up the next morning, disoriented, about three miles from home- about a mile from the restaurant. I had no phone, was hung over, and felt pretty beat up, not sure how I figured out where I was, but I started walking. I had almost made it home when my wife found me. Here's what she filled in for me- At some pointm things got heated between the owner & his brother, an employee there. That's when my wife said let's go. She went to the bathroom as I tried to get the brother's to back off. I do'nt remember but a flash of the brother's fighting- perhaps that's when I might of gotten banged up. My wife tells me that while she was in the bathroom, one of the Mariachi band members, a guy, came in the ladies room & was peeking in on her. She tried to yell at him to get him to leave, but he just stood there. So she pulled up her pants & tried to push him out of the way with the door of the stall. He grabbed her by the shoulders, held her against the wall, and-in broken English- told her she wasn't going anywhere. She managed to get partially free, punch him in the face, and haul ass screaming. Grated, he didn't do anything other than than, but It's still scary & she's still freaked out about it. I don't know how far this asswhole thought he would get in a Ladies bathroom, but whoknows. When my wife ran out, she went mostly un- noticed, due to the brothers arguing & all the commotion. He headed for the car and left. Yeah, in her histeria, she left me. She came back like 15-20 min later after calming down some & the place was closed. No sign of me or anyone. She drove aroung for an hour, but did't find me until the morning- stumbling home. I have hardly any recollection of the evening. No idea how I got to the point I was when I woke up 6-7 hours later. I was a mess that next day. My wife thinks somebody slipped something into my drink, thinking it was hers. We tried talking to the people up there, but no real help. The Sherrif's office hasn't been much help, because they say it's "hear-say" & there's no real proof. So what- a woman has to actually get raped or what?? I ended up with pnumonia, to make matters worse- Maybe I already had it & it got worse after the 5th, who knows. I've missed four day now of work- which puts me out about $600.00- and we were already struggling with our bills. Oh, and I left my brand new camera up at the rest. that night & it's vanished- no surprise. Sucks more because of the last 2 months of pics that can't be replace- including my birthday, our anniversary weekend. I feel like such an as about the whole thing. I'm not sure if I was drugged, or the drinks were stronger or what- But when my wife needed me, I wasn't there. And I have no idea why I wasn't, or where I was, or what the hell happened. I wish I could just go back to the 5th & stay home. I'd still have pnumonia, but maybe not as bad- or maybe not at all, who knows. Fuck this life.

[will]

Fuck life. Fuck people as well, they smile to your face but hate you behind your back

[hasan safak]

i worked 2 days very hard for saturday and sunday earn 40 euro(shit money in turkey) that was my only money even i didnt want to spend it on anything bcoz it was very hard for me to earnt it well 2 days ago i lost tht money fuck da hell my two days my hard two days were for nothing

[Richard]

Dear Life, Fuck you
Dear Death, Hi to you
Dear Human, Fuck you
Dear Insanity, Hi to you
Dear Suicide, I LOVE YOU

[Andy Kahn]

fuck life.. I am almost 30, god job, no ambitions, still single, an alien in a foreign country.. so FUCK LIFE.................

[Paul Lowe]

Hi i just wanted to say thank you because if i had not have read this and saw how you didnt resort to what i was going to do, it showed me that my problems arnt that bad compared to yours and i really shouldnt "off" myself when he was able to pull through then so can i so thank you sir

Paul Lowe

[c123]

you know like most here i typed in fuck life but not because i wanted to find someone else who felt the same i could give less of a shit but because im so fucking sick of life! i hate it!! oh dear life you can kiss my unlucky ass!!

[Mr_Intuitive]

Aww, i feel for you, i typed fuck life on google too though lol...and when i saw this, it was funny as hell, but jus dont giv in even under the unbearable heat :)

[Who]

Fuck life. I have become apathetic to everything around me, and can't get out of it.

[abed]

I totally agree " Dear life Fuck You "

[Msandi]

Life's fun when things go your way, but in these moments, LIFE IS SHIT!!!!!!!

[fuck my life]

hello ,, i would like to share ..

my name is moe,, and i just crapped my pants ..

lately my life hasn't been the perfect one nor it has been a good one .

it was a crappy one ,,, and still actually ,,

so after gettin kicked out of the USA and refused a student visa to continue my bachelor degree ,, i found out that my scholarship sponsor is lettin go of me too ... so after much thought ,, i decided to leave all this "and more" ,, behind and go for a nice little walk . my sister's house is about 10 kilometers away from ours ,, so i headed to it ,,, it wasn't long till i crossed the highway and went over the bridge ,, and right in the middle of it ,,, i had a feeling that i might need to go to the bathroom ,,
i just passed a big mall that just opened up ,,,500 meters away ,, i went back joggin to it knowing that the feeling of letting go is growing stronger ... as i passed the high way again , i wasn't quite sure if i should worry about the cars that were about to hit me ,,, or the fact that i could feel this thing popping 'slowly' out of my ASS ...

and sure enough ,, 18 meters away from the main entrance to the mall ,,,,, i did it ,,, i crapped my pants for the first time in my life <<"except when i used to wear diapers of course" .
i didn't know what to do ,,, or what did it look like ... all i could think about is that i'm surrounded by kids, girls , boys , guys , and families that are about to enter the mall ..... so i rushed in to a near by mosque <"muslim church" that was under construction ,,, and got inside of it ,,, only to find out that the only thing noticeable about me crappin my pants is my left shoe ,,, "take a guess on how it went there"
i cleaned my shoe with a tissue ,,, and i decided to walk around the mall ,, by the storage area ,,, and then go to the other gate where a men's restroom lies right next to it from the inside ...

the only thing that horrified me though is that i have to pass through all the people entering the mall at the gate nearby ,, so i decided to do what every guy would do when he's completely uncomfortable,,, SMILE to everybody that makes eye contact with you ... :D a really really big smile too ,,,

mission accomplished, i passed through the security guard who was looking at me suspiciously, and i finally arrived and entered the bathroom ,,

do you know how annoying it is ,,, to walk around an entire block with 2 pounds of SHIT crawling up your ass /???????????

anyways ,,, mission clean up has failed .. and i was left with no choice but to wear my semi-clean yet smelly pants and get the hell out of there ,,, the problem was ,,, I was 7 FUCKING kilometers away from my house...

after much struggle to come up with an idea on how make an excuse for the cap driver i was gonna stop ,,, i called my brother and told him that i have fell down a rain-generated lake << whatever that is .... and asked him to get my father's pickup truck ,,, when he arrived ,,, i didn't say hi ,,, and i didn't even shake his hands ,, i just rode in the back and told him to drive ,,,

i arrived .. took a shower ,,, wrote this thing ,,, and the smell is still on me :(

and i just got 2 liters of gas ,,, and i'm gonna burn my pants up ... as well as my LIFE

LOVE ... moe

[Snow]

Bummer about your rings. But I love this "Dear Life, Fuck You". It's perfect. PTSD sucks.