He's Hot and Cold

Nearly 36 years ago, my parents had sex on what one can only assume was a steamy, gin-soaked August afternoon.  And all I got was this lousy body.

Today I turn 35 years old.

This is shockingly old for someone who considers himself to be at the maturity level of a 15 year old, at best.  One who apparently has begun referring to himself in the third person.  CW is not pleased by this.

Realizations are starting to seep in. 

Through years of denial and repression, I've managed to block something out.  Most of you probably won't want to read the next few sentences, because they apply to you too and you're really better off not letting it get a foothold in your cerebrum.  At 35, I still have, in all likelihood, 30 more years in the job market ahead of me.  Everything I've known, from kindergarten until now, will be flipped around and spent at a job.  Jjjaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhb.  Kinda gets caught in my throat, like I'm puking up an Irish Wolfhound. 

And that's what nobody tells you.  You think people are crazy for having their mid-life crises, but the crisis is that REALITY IS SETTING IN.  At 40 and 45, you're thinking, if I work hard for the next ten years, I STILL HAVE TEN YEARS TO GO.  I mean, sure, some of us may be able to retire early.  That's fantastic.  Maybe even five, ten years early.  So that means I only have 20 or 25 years left to deal with idiots and assholes.  Fanfuckingtastic.

I guess if this was some kind of commencement address on life, at this point I would say, "The key to your life is to not look ahead.  Because that's some scary shit, bitches."  I really wish that exact line had been uttered at my commencement.  That line and ONLY that line.  Would've cleared some shit UP.

I wanted to be a published writer and be making seven figures by 35.  Those were the only two goals that I set at 30.  I've achieved every other goal for every other milestone year that I've ever made.  This time around, I'm nowhere close.  But I know that's my fault.  There's some satisfaction in that.  At least there's a tiny little part of me (as I think exists in everyone) that still truly believes in my own potential.  I know that if I would actually be disciplined enough to write, I would have something that could be worthy of publication. 

But that's the difference between people who are successful and those who are not.  Successful people don't talk about potential, they actually go DO IT.  I'm getting there, but right now, I'm just a water-boy for success.  But I'm at the game.  That's a start.

I'm healthier and skinnier now than I've been since before I was 30, I've got new eyes, I've got a little gray hair at the temples, a huge cock and I'm motherfucking hot.  And my wife is motherfucking hot. 

Almost all of that is true. 

Life is good.

At 35. 

Just don't make me think about 36 yet.

Comments

[estella]

At thirty-six they come and they TAKE YOUR COCK AWAY FROM YOU.

That's just what I've heard, I don't know.

[leo]

Man, I can totally relate to this.

Well, except for the part about old.

[Patricia]

With the huge cock and the hottness I don't understand why you're wasting your time wanting to write. Porn, my friend. That's where the money's at. So I'm told. And if what Ms. Estella has heard is true, you'd best get on that shit quick. Also, feliz cumpleaños.

[dan]

I am 42
and hotter than I've ever been in my life
to all the gaybos sitting next to me on public transportation
plus my life is perfect
except for the part played by myself
so keep slapping that bacon my good man
someday you'll be able to say, Dan didn't know what the hell he was talking about
those gaybos just wanted to borrow a couple altoids
you know, for later

happy days my friend

[Impatient]

Happy Birthday, CW.

Some good news:

If you are hotter now than you were five years ago, you can probably count on that trend continuing. You'll be devastating at 50.

And, with the attendant memory impairment, you'll keep forgetting how many more years you have to face the hell that is gainful employment.

[mcmonkey]

Happy shared birthday, cw! I'm 34 today. You think you're having a crisis? I dropped my old career after 15 years, went to law school and am now looking at starting over with kids 10 years younger trying for the same positions. That'll give you crisis.

[Brad]

Don't put on the Depends yet (unless that's your little "thing"), 'cause you're not old until you hit like... 40 or something. Right?

Besides, now that you're in your mid-30s and married, you're THAT much closer to coming out of the closet and spending your 40's in San Francisco experimenting in gay sex clubs. Oooooh, I'm so excited for you!

[Amy]

Happy Birthday, CW!

[Scott-san]

Two words: grape vodka.

You feel that shit a lot more as you get older.

[Grampa]

Old bitch.

[jenB]

your wife IS hot. :-)

happy birthday.

xo

[Arden]

Happy Birthday!

[mark]

YOUR'RE ONLY 35?!

fucker.

[TJ]

Happy birthday. You should deliver commencement addresses. That's some inspiring stuff.

Maybe just smack the kids in the head with a wooden mallet as they take their diplomas while you're at it.

[teahouseblossom]

I think all you need now is a new convertible, a bad toupee and some Viagra, and you're all set.

[Evil]

Holy shit i read some of you're rants, and not just this post. But like omfg I no longer need to rant to the world after reading yours. Thank you for doing my dirty work, and keep up the work knowing that you're keeping 22 year olds like myself from spending to much time spreading things that are already spread by professionals like yourself.

Honestly, well done and thank you.

- I hate everyone right now(even you)

- Trevor

[TJ]

"spending to much time spreading things that are already spread by professionals like yourself"

I think Evil Trevor means the Clap. Nobody spreads the Clap like you, CW. You professional, you.

[Red Hog]

It gets worse...as you enter your 40's the days of objective clarity when you can focus on what is really important in life become spread apart farther and farther. But that's all good because on those rare occasions when you do have a good day it's like the first time at Disney World or something. So, you got that goin' for ya.

[Candace Johns]

You're only 35? Get over it-I'm 38 (and very much femalr).

[styro]

Happy birthday, you hung stud!

I dropped a little something in the mail for you late last week...

xoxoxo

[erika]

Happy Belated Birthday to you and your huge cock. Isn't 35 officially over the hill? ;)

[estella]

Is it still your birthday, motherfucker? Or you thinking about maybe putting something different up here.

Whatever though, I don't really care.

[EV]

So I'm a little late, but happy birthday. I, too, am hotter than I've ever been, if I am making that statement exactly two years ago. I'm hoping to get approximately back there by the time I'm 35, so thank you for the inspiration. In the mean time, I need to digest my half a pizza.

[Boogie's Mom]

As a 37-year-old, this post scared me ... 30 more years of work!!!??? I'm tired already. How am I going to get through it. Luckily, like you and your wife, my husband and I are hot. Ha!

[Snowy]

i think you need to just set down the guitar hero guitfiddle and get busy writing your book of commencement addresses.

obviously you've found your niche. someone out there needs to mold the minds of young graduates. so go and impart your wisdom upon the masses!

oh yeah and sorry i am like 453 days late on wishing you a happy birthday.

[bubba pony]

I ran my first marathon (under 4 hours) at 53 years young. women who run marathons are HOT.
so in 17 years you'll be approaching your peak.

[Oreos]

i want to say i understand what you're going through but that mean that i'm as old as you so i won't.

[Greg]

Arthritis keeping you away from the keyboard, gramps? START TYPING.

[Neodecanoic]

Where aaaaarrrre yooouuuu? Or did you succumb to Prozac/excess beer? This is like when you get stuck on a certain passage in a book, and keep on reading it over and over, even though you really don't want to - if I see "Nearly 36 years ago..." one more time I may have to start mommy blogging again (please, spare me the horror!!)

[drummergirl]

did you die of old age?