Unintelligible Design

The Kansas Board of Education approved new public school science standards Tuesday that cast doubt on the theory of evolution.

Let me say this:  About damn time.

It has been apparent to me for some time that mankind is in fact regressing, not evolving.  Just look at the recent Kansas Board of Education ruling if you need proof of that. Oh wait. Bad example.

Ever since that Alanis Morissette song, I'm not 100% positive about the definition of ironic, but I think that it might be ironic that "intelligent design holds that the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power" and that same higher power created people who are stupid enough to believe complete and utter bullshit like "the universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power".

Let's set aside for a moment the whole debate about the intelligence of the design itself (for instance, what's with having women bleed from their happy place every month?  Nobody wants that.  Was no market research done?  Did anybody test drive a vagina before it was put into production?  Men get to eagerly shoot their seed into old socks when they see a high school cheerleading competition on ESPN2 at 2:00 am, but women have to cramp up and become annoying twats for a week and then ruin several perfectly good pairs of pants.  Nice design there, Captain Intelligence.)

No, for now, let's focus on this "universe is so complex that it must have been created by a higher power" part of the argument.

Complex?  Complex?!?!

The very basis for our solar system is a super cool ball of exploding gas that we're not even allowed to look at.  Now what sense does that make?  We're living on a spinning rock that tries to kill us daily with hurricanes, rain, floods, earthquakes, fire, tornadoes, wind, cold, heat, insects, birds, chimpanzees and Pussycat Dolls.  That's all way too random.  Your body chemistry, the seasons, the ocean, your haircut ...it's not complex, it's a clusterfuck.

Sure, it's kind of neat that we live on the only planet that supports life as we understand it, and it's kind of lucky that we're just the right distance from the sun so that we can lay out on the beach when we want to.  But if there is a God, he's mean and he likes to tease: "Oh, are you cold?  Here, here's a beautiful view of the ocean, with its soft sandy beach and rushing-air sounds...come on and sit down here by the water and enjoy it for a little while under the bright and glorious sun that I've made.  Here, have a drink, just sit back and...SKIN CANCER!!  HA!!  I totally got you, dude!!"

And to say that something is so complex that it MUST'VE been created by a higher power is just a Microsoft way of looking at the world.  See this software?  Yeah, it doesn't work very well and you'll never understand how it all really works, but it does work A LOT of the time.  Just use it.  Trust us.  We're really intelligent. 

Now, tell me how that's any different than your colon.

You know what would make me actually believe in intelligent design?  The exact opposite argument.  If the body was designed with much less complexity, like an acid reflux commercial.  If the mouth was just a hole and the throat was a tube and the stomach was a balloon.  Real intelligence is making the complex into something simple. I mean, what the hell is with the uvula?  Or the appendix?  Spare parts!  Throw 'em out!  Added, unnecessary complexity!  And why two kidneys but only one heart?  Is it to doubly ensure that we piss our pants after our heart stops?  C'mon God, let us have our dignity, at least!  And look at your fingernails there.  What's going on with them?  Are they there so that we can be certain to support a nail salon in every goddamn strip mall on the planet?  Or are they mainly there so that you can scratch your itches?  If that's so, then why do I always itch in places that I can't reach? 

I'll tell you why: BAD DESIGN.

So listen, Kansas.  That sound you hear is the world laughing at you.   Even if there is a God, he's sitting on his Lay-Z-Boy looking down and saying, "Man, I just threw that shit together, honestly.  I had a spare week back in Zanga Blork Grobba Flugen (God's got his own wacky calendar - don't ask), and I told Steve - HEY STEVE, YOU REMEMBER THIS?! (Steve's in the bathroom, btw) - so I says to Steve, 'Dude, let's put together a universe', and Steve is like, 'Man, I'm beat. I was big-banging this chick last night...' anyway, you know how Steve is, and so I said, 'No, we'll just throw a quick one together" and so Steve is all like, 'Only if we can put rings on some of the planets (Steve was going through a whole ring phase back then) and also, let's hang some decoration in the back of the throats of some of the animals', and I was like, 'Sure dude, whatever' because Steve is my boy, you know."

I know it sounds crazy to hear God talk like that.  But you need to hear what crazy sounds like. See, just because I wrote it doesn't mean it's real or even plausible.  Do you understand what I'm saying?  Are you intelligent enough?

Comments

[tophermo]

I couldn't agree more or less.

[k]

I love you.

[Grampa]

Long live the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

[TJ]

I take it all back. You totally have to sit on the Supreme Court.

[T]

You're an Ass!

[styro]

So you're saying we're to blame steve for this? I can't wait for the religious nutjobs to lambaste you for this. FSM, TOUCH ME WITH YOUR NOODLY APPENDAGE!

[coolbeans]

I don't think it's "complex". Mostly, I think it's "groovy".

[Brad]

Why 5 fingers on a hand and not 4? I think 4 would have done the trick. My guess is, God's hockey jersey number was 5, and he thought it'd be cool to have digits based off of his favorite number.

You know what's funny? I'm sitting in Kansas right now and I work with thousands of people and know thousands more. No one I've ever met actually believes that shit. The Intelligent Design folks literally MOVED here this year to stir up some shit, because they thought they'd get support.

Thank #5 I'm driving home to my safe little liberal house in Missouri.

[Kate]

This is my favorite post in the whole wide world...

[mia]

actually, I led the Market Development & Research team on the vagina study and we decided that if it was too easy to use and pretty to look at, that women would have the same foibles of men (see Steve's story, above). So we decided difficult and ugly and tempermental and curly curly curly pubes were the way to go.

but thank you for your feedback. I'll file it right over here with the recycle bin.

[Lex]

Sir: I am in awe. We are totally not worthy.

[nita]

finally! someone who makes sense!

if you're going to hell, i'll hold the door for the down elevator for you....

and yay us!

[coolbeans]

Also, when you get to hell, look for me and my sibs. We'll be the ones making s'mores.

[robin]

I haven't laughed that hard in days... so save me a seat down there, I guess I'll be joining you. (Personally, I'm just surprised it wasn't Georgia again...)

[sawni]

As I've often said... complexity compels suffering.

Now if that ain't some brilliant shit right there I don't know what is.

[Scott-san]

This post is so good, I'm going to officially quit blogging now.

Thanks a lot, asshole.

[MP]

Yeah! I third that! You are an asshole! Actually that makes me think of a funny story about how I rub my ass on the ground to wipe after I boo boo like my dog just because it makes me feel closer to my less evolved friends.

[kim]

Amen!

[drummergirl]

as a matter of fact, i did test drive a vagina.

thanks for asking.

[teahouseblossom]

Brilliant, as always.

I think that what's really going on is that the corporate-controlled media are making this into a bigger story than it is. Just to get us all riled up and take our focus away from the real issues.

[sue]

If you're goin'... guess we'll all probably be right behind...

Great post, cw!

[GOD]

Keep fuckin with me dickhead.
I have a plan, just don't you worry, you cocky bastard.

Oh yeah, Go Notre Dame.

[opit]

Sounds like Hell is a good address for the snactimoniously challenged. Go, Norway (Eskimos believe Hell bloody cold)

[TJ]

I love that God, who stopped by a couple comments up, wasn't fast enough in signing up for AOL to get just dog@aol.com, but had to settle for dog127953 for His email address. I don't know why that cracks me up.

Oh, and I re-read this--can't sleep--still brilliant. The two kidneys, one heart bit KILLS.

[K]

Here's another one to ponder....why would and intelligent designer place an amustment park between two sewer outlets?

[The Red]

All bow to the Noodly and kiss His appendage!

[RocketBootKid]

Finally! I have found a kindred blogger. This is my Graceland, sir!

[Godless Sunday]

FUCK. YESSSSSSSSSSS.
Thank you kind sire, thank you for that!