For The Kids

For many years in the United States, the SAT has been the standard testing device used by most colleges and universities to gauge the stupidity of incoming Freshmen.  SAT was, initially, an acronym for Scholastic Aptitude Test, but that was recently changed due to the fact that nobody knew what Scholastic nor Aptitude meant.  Also, many young people think that Acronym is a West Coast rapper.  Now SAT doesn't really stand for anything, though many students believe it means Sykological Angriness Test.  These students usually get lost on the way to the test facility.

Other, more tangible changes have been made to the SAT as well.  The most drastic difference is that the test now begins with a 25 minute essay.  Some would argue that putting such a subjective component to standardized testing leads to an unbalanced evaluation, but those people are douche bags.  If you can't write a coherent essay in 25 minutes, then college may not be your thing.  Maybe try gay porn.  Again.

At this point, I feel that it's important to mention that I never took the SAT.  The standardized test of choice in Iowa was something called the ACT or American College Testing program.  The ACT is the test they give to people who don't drool on test forms.  But I'm sure your little SAT is nice too.

However, in the interest of assisting this generation of young people (and in order to fulfill several hours of my court-ordered community service), today I will provide a sample response to one of the actual SAT essay questions, "Does creativity have a role in the contemporary world?"

Creativity Is Dead: A Treatise On The End of Society (Always begin with a "gotcha" title.  It sets a definitive tone and draws the reader in.  Also try to write the title in bold, because bold tells the reader that you really, really mean it.  Shows conviction of character.)

I believe it was Jean-Paul Sartre who said, "Without creativity, the flesh of society will rot." (You should always start with some quote by a pretentious dead person.  I know this seems difficult, but keep in mind that I've totally made up the quote.  Nobody is going to fact-check your Sartre quote, I'll give you a money-back guarantee on that.)

In these perilous times (always evoke 9-11 - anyone who gives you a bad score on your essay after you evoke 9-11 is a terrorist), one gets the very tangible sense that tolerance for creativity in all things, from paintings to sculpture to the written word, has been destroyed by a culture of hate. 

In the cycle of human development (careful not to say human "evolution", as your essay grader may live in the South), we've seen this intolerance before.  Slavery, using both covert and overt (nice!) methods, attempted to systematically destroy the creativity of blacks in America (this lends a tinge of guilt to the white reader and gets a "Hell YEAH!" from the black reader).  However, in this case, the strength of the black culture (man, you better hope your grader is black) was able to overpower the creative oppression through the use of slave work songs and other persecution-based art forms.

In World War II, Hitler worked tirelessly to crush all forms of creativity and culture that did not fall in line with his strict definitions.  Through his own manner of twisted creativity, he was able to influence millions into believing his doctrine.  Only through the efforts of our great country (U.S.A! U.S.A!) was Hitler stopped and creativity was again allowed to bloom.  (What?  Are you going to give me a bad grade on this essay now, Hitler-lover?)

Along with these examples, history has given us many other lessons of the perilous nature of creativity.  So why, after it has proven time and again that it can be so resilient, does creativity no longer have a role in our contemporary world? (Always go back and answer the exact original question.)

Because of the Republicans and Jesus.

(This is really all you have to say.  Most of the SAT graders are probably educators, which means that they're Liberals, so they know what you're talking about.  Additionally, you've subtly tied Republicans to slave owners and Hitler.  Nice touch.)

~~~~~

Good luck, young people!  I hope that this gets you into the college of your choice.  And if it does, stay there, because none of us want you out here in the real world.  With your belly shirts and your rap music.  Gah.

Comments

[michelle]

dude, you are hilarious!

[patricia]

I'm so savind this for my kid to use one day. Granted, I don't have a kid yet and by the time I do and he/she is ready for college, they'll have invented some way to gauge a person's intelligence and ability to excel in college by the color of their snot, but still, it can't hurt to put this away for future use.

My sister had to take the SOLs in jr. high and high school. I used to call them the "shit out of luck" exams. That used to annoy the hell out of her. That, of course, just meant I used it every single time I had the opportunity.

[alllowercaseguy]

i am not sure if you are aware of this, but my thinks you are dreamy. she's only 15 and is about to take ascat (it's better when capitalized, but look at my name. i'm no hypocrite), but she wanted me to tell you that you're hot. i love black people!

[alllowercaseguy]

mom. my mom thinks you're dreamy. i hate myself. but i love black people.

[tj]

All right, hippie. Points for the colon in the title, but I'm docking you for not using the word "juxtaposition" at some point in the essay.

In all seriousness, the level of pandering and total lack of coherence and logic in this essay is closer to the mark than you might think. I'm not laughing, I'm crying because it's true.

[mingaling]

Hilarious! I would totally fact-check your quote, though.

[Scott-san]

I took the SAT and got embarrassingly low scores and THEN realized that I didn't need to take it at all because I went to a community college for two years and then transferred my AA to FSU.

I thought the ACT was for math / science people and the SAT was for everyone. Or something. I totally would've done better on the ACT.

[sarah]

i've heard they are worried most kids won't do well with this essay because it's handwritten.. most of our youth today have fingers that cannot possibly grasp a pen/pencil... it's a crime.. really.. poor dears..

[jw]

One of the scoring sites for standardized tests is near where I live. So, I know a lot of people who score these tests, which makes them even more suspect.

[kim e]

I'm Canadian so we write Provincial Exams in each subject instead of one standardized test like the SAT, with a substantial essay portion on the English exam. Your essay writing method is very similar to the one that got me an A in English all the way through highschool.

As long as you use decent sentence structure and throw in a handful of big words you're gold, baby. It doesn't matter if the bulk of your essay is complete BS and bubblegum... they don't really read them that closely anyway. Lets be honest.

[Almost Lucid (Brad)]

Gah!

I took the ACT too. On registration day, they told me I had to take remedial math. I said, why? They then explained that my ACT score of 19 indicated that I wasn't ready for advanced college algebra. I laughed, and informed them they had the incorrect score for my test and I signed up for the class anyway. I then realized exactly how fucking useless that test was (glad I took it twice!) since they let me in thinking I had a score of 19!

I can only hope I was part of some state-funded mental handicap program and not the norm for entering freshman. Although, I'm guessing my state school really did have that low of requirments. Hm.

[Melissa]

HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Craptastic fun.

[Greg]

It's too late for the SATs in my case, but maybe I'll incorporate your ideas into some business memos.

[Jillian]

LOL, I especially like the ending:
"Most of the SAT graders are probably educators, which means that they're Liberals, so they know what you're talking about. Additionally, you've subtly tied Republicans to slave owners and Hitler. Nice touch."

Good times ha ha! :-)

[EV]

I used to tutor for the SAT, and was totally scandalized by how easy it was to coach and had all kinds of issues with it. But now, I'm the big fat buzzkill, because I actually work for the people who make it, and I'm managing part of its validity study, meaning I am required by my blood contract to tell you that the graders are trained extensively and each essay is assessed holistically and based on various aspects of writing ability, not name-dropping, which is obnoxious. But that was still hilarious.

And as for the ACT, it is a direct competitor with the ACT, used mostly in the midwest and South, where as the SAT is used in the North/West/East, or for private colleges which recruit from all over. So it won't surprise you that the people I work with have their own definition of Red and Blue states (which is pretty much the same as the other one).

[Peggasus]

I give you an A++++++++++++! on that essay, just like Ralphie's teacher in 'A Christmas Story.'

Years ago, I wrote a paper for an art history class titled:

'Photorealism: Amazing, But is it Art?

My grade? A++++++++++.........

Bullshitting is FUN!

[Peggasus]

I give you an A++++++++++++! on that essay, just like Ralphie's teacher in 'A Christmas Story.'

Years ago, I wrote a paper for an art history class titled:

'Photorealism: Amazing, But is it Art?

My grade? A++++++++++.........

Bullshitting is FUN!

[FeralTitan]

You guys think the SAT is crap, try finding out about the CAT thats held in India for admission to business schools. I think 0.1% of the total people who appear are selected. Your essay was okay, not that hilarious. I think there is 'group think' happening here.

[cw]

FYI, FeralTitan, Blog is Latin for "group think". That was covered in the SAT.

[Boogie's Mom]

I took both the SAT and the ACT. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment. I wish I was a kid again so I could use your surefire ways to ace the SAT! Maybe I'll show it to my husband so he can give it to his 6th grade kids. They can practice for the next 6 years!

[ms. lunchbreak]

i didn't take the sat or the act. but i did write a paper during one of the two semesters i was in college about how old people shouldn't be allowed to drive. i got an "a."

[tj]

Ms. Lunchbreak, I don't even need to read your essay and I think you deserve the Nobel.

[snowy]

Suddenly i feel inspired to go back to college and get another degree! Thank you CW.

[leo]

Fun fact. I was well prepared for the SAT, complete with sample questions, vocabulary, and other crap that dorky high school kids do. I left the SATs talking about how interesting some of the essays were.

I also took the ACTs. The night before, I was at my girlfriend's place and we had a long, glorious journey into Orgasmoslavakia. I fell asleep during the reading portion of the ACT.

Strangely, I ended up with equivalent scores on both tests.

Kids, this proves my theory that studying for the SATs is unnecessary and should be replaced by chocolate sauce and boobies.

[Grampa Acid]

I took the SATs back in the 11th grade. I already knew that I was going to go to Penn State, because my dad was a professor there and I got 75% off tuition. So, after tripping all night long, I decided that the only way that I was going to be able to stay awake during the test was to drop 3 more hits of acid.

I got 1200.

Not bad, seeing how those little letters chased themselves all over the page. Ever since, I have held a view that standardized testing was less than adequate.

Not to glorify drug use or to give ideas to those reading this that my actions were worthwhile or should be repeated. I spent the better part of decade sliding down the slope to ultimate drug addiction. I failed out of college on several occasions, and that was when I bothered to go at all. It was only after that I decided that perhaps being bombed all the time was not, in fact, cool. Since I came to this realization my life has gotten better, not always good, but better.

The essay is first rate. I want to grow up to be just like you.

[bryan]

evie's lying -- those essays are graded by a computer program that counts how many words you use that aren't in its database. an essay composed entirely of jibberish would score perfectly.

i took both the SAT and the ACT (ohio can't make up it's mind if it's sophisticated or retarded, so it's both), and my recollection is that i scored almost 1350 points higher on the SAT, so i guess the ACT was really hard.

[Mark]

I was a Midwesterner myself; Illinois to be exact (a semicolon used properly earns bonus points!). Colleges throughout the midest only consider the ACT, but we took the P-SAT (a practice SAT) for scholarship evaluations as juniors. What is the sense in that?

"Kids, the schools that 99% of you will apply to don't require or even care about the SAT, but your financial aid and self confidence for the real thing will hinge on nothing but."

Keep in mind, these counselors are the same people that made me take an "interest inventory" test that told me I'm best suited to be a professional sports coach or forest park ranger.

[Bill]

What, the SAT wasn't exciting enough as it was?

[kristiface]

I love that essay (and on a side note, they've added a written essay section to the GRE as well). My one point would be to say that-- as is evidenced by the papers I grade regularly-- most kids taking that test have a far less developed vocabulary than you do!

[EV]

I know Bryan's just trying to provoke me, but it always works anyway. I am not lying, doo doo head-- there are some tests, even some made here, that are graded by computers, but the SAT is not one of them. They even gave us a class on how they train the teachers to grade them. So pbbllft.

[ms. lunchbreak]

dude. did you go to thailand with julia?

[EV]

If he did he better bring us all back some Pad Thai. If they even actually eat it there.

[snowy]

WRITE SOMETHING!! i'm bored...i need free entertainment.

[TJ]

Don't you guys know CW observes April Fools' Day? A deeply religious man when it comes to giving fools their due.

Belated best wishes for a satisfying April Fools' to you and yours, CW.

[jab]

cw, i need you to come back.

[LisaB]

Missing you more than I care to admit CW:(
Extract the digit and entertain us :)

[leo]

I heard, CW ran off with a pack of wolves and is training them to run Rhode Island, after he convinced the good Rhode Islanders... Rhode Islandians... Rhode Island Posse to secede from the union and become its own world superpower.

For real. I couldn't make stuff like that up.

[mercedes]

Hey! If you've got time to read Julia's blog and comment, then you've got time to post your own!!! Where ya been? Glad you're not dead. Or something worse...

[Lizzie]

Hahaha, well, actually they have added a written portion to the ACT as well, at the very end of the test. The prompt was something along the lines of "Some school administrators want to move the start of time back...yadda yadda pick a stance and explain why it is right" It was...easy. I haven't received a score back yet, but I've heard that most people receive a 9 on it(The scale is 2-12)

[FeralTitan]

I think he is doing this to find out how popular he is - ok CW - u seem to be famous enough - how abt humouring us a little ;)

[ofox]

I have been religiously checking each morning, am growing disheartened. Did you go to Rome and get trapped in a portaloo? My life grows drearier and I pass deeper into gloom per each passing minute a new post fails to materialise. Hope all is well with you.
Kind regards

[G-man]

What, is this like a once-a-month deal? Normally, I just lurk upon a new blog, but I think I might take me a month to think of something worthwhile in response to this, so lemme know in case I want to start wid the nex one.

[sue]

cw...come back, honey... we miss you!

[ashley]

this is just unacceptable. some "blog"!

[Ash]

I stumbled on to this site through a site called Blogorama, a blog directory. After realizing its been about a month I went back there just now and found his site is no longer listed, it's probably all done for. Bigger and better things and all that. One can't dedicate a big chunk of his time writing to a bunch of slackers at work his whole life.
It was all good though...Thanks!

[Rick James]

Way to diss the Republicans (fuckin douchebag). Why would you be a democrat? Yea let's all be cowards and not sign up for military, let's act like we can't read the second amendment and then hypocrytically bitch about the rest, let's vote for John Kerry and have 50% tax! YEA GUYS! NEWSFLASH Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and the slave owners were DEMOCRATS! Also Hitler wanted (and got) strict gun control among civilians ::cough cough:: democrats. And guess which party doesn't support Israel (the jews)? The Naz... I mean Democrats!