I think I got really mixed up when I was a kid, because I was taught to "fear the Lord" for he is, like, mighty or something. It's one of those things I never really understood, but I think it has something to do with making people always feel like God is looking over their shoulder. Ideally, this would prevent people from laying the hump to their neighbor's wife lest the guy in the clouds smite the holy shit out of them. Some people call it a conscience. But I'm not here to nitpick.
The problem with all of this is that the wires must've gotten a little crossed, because I held on to that whole "fear of the Lord" thing, but then I got confused with Christmas being Jesus' birthday and Santa's birthday and then I started to think that Jesus and Santa might be the same guy and then I started to fear Santa.
And I could definitely buy into a healthy fear of Santa. I mean, this pervert makes you sit on his lap, he breaks into your house, he gets really hung up on how naughty people are being and he uses midgets as slave labor. Dude's an episode of Law & Order waiting to happen.
If you need further justification of my fear, just twist up the scenario a bit. Suppose I came to your house on July 25th and told you I was going to take your kid to the mall to sit on the lap of an elderly obese man and have your child tell him, in graphic detail, what he wants the man to bring him in the middle of the night. How would that be?
That's what I thought.
Fear of God, indeed.
Remember Dana Carvey's old Church Lady skit? "SANTA = SATAN."
Posted by: teahouseblossom | Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 07:07 PM
AHAHAHA.. that totally spoke to the recovering Catholic in me. Thank you for all the clear points and examples - this is sure to be a smashing hit at my relatives holiday gatherings.
Posted by: KJB | Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 10:59 PM
THAT'S why i never believed in the fat man in the first place... it creeped me out to think about a dude coming into the house in the middle of the night to drop off stuff... IF i wasn't naughty.. which, i always was. still got stuff...
Posted by: Sarah | Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 11:48 PM
everyone knows that jesus is the easter bunny.
Posted by: ms. lunchbreak | Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 08:55 AM
*sniff*sniff* It smells like ... mmm, like bar-be-que in here! Yum! Oh wait, that's your SOUL BURNING IN THE ETERNAL FIRES OF HELL, you goddamned heathen!
PS: Merry Christmas! I hope Jesus brings you lots of candy!
Posted by: styro | Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 09:45 AM
mostly i fear clowns.
Posted by: snowy | Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 03:47 PM
Point well made, and I've given this much thought over the years - I'd like to add (though she's a pretty much all year round horror, not just the holidays)...Mary Poppins. A witch that not only drugs the children she's taking care of, but teaches them that taking drugs is a GOOD thing, (just add sugar) runs off and leaves them alone with a homeless man, a.k.a. "chimney sweep" who is a complete stranger to the family. I think she and Santa have been in cahoots for eons.
Posted by: frstlymil | Friday, December 17, 2004 at 10:42 AM
The Cat in the Hat was also frightening, even before the awful-looking movie. I've been trying to explain for ages that The Cat in the Hat is a deeply troubling book, and felt vindicated when I heard Daniel Handler tell Terri Gross last night that the book made him anxious as a child and that he sided with the fish.
Posted by: LadyGrey | Friday, December 17, 2004 at 04:11 PM
Hello this is M .....
i'm never pesting bpadams anymore but i have one ting that lingers on my mind
Is Patty Bryan Adams' wife ? fff_YGH@yahoo.com
a chrusmas gift for a lost person like "True meanin of christmas
Posted by: M | Friday, December 17, 2004 at 10:57 PM
LOL. i totally get you. my little one won't go near a santa suit. he scares the shit out of her.
Posted by: April | Tuesday, December 21, 2004 at 07:46 AM
..reminds me of a movie...
got together with some friends at the coffee shop and watched silent night deadly night...
fun new christmas tradition..
Posted by: jen | Tuesday, December 21, 2004 at 10:33 AM
Happy Holidays, you nut! May you make me laugh all throughout 2005.
Posted by: gimmy | Thursday, December 23, 2004 at 11:05 AM
Merry Christmas, CW!
Posted by: Rohit | Friday, December 24, 2004 at 11:49 PM
merry x-mas to you and your love ones... may it bring you peace and happiness... all the best!
Posted by: maizzy | Saturday, December 25, 2004 at 07:33 PM
Delink Greg Howard indeed! I should delink you from the cave my friend! Ha ha ha.
But nonetheless, I feign seriosity when I say, this is a weak post, brother. First that vaginaphile tequila mockingbird doesn't post for a whole month, and then your punk georgia or whatever below virginia ass disappears from the mist. I'm serious, it's enough to make you white! Ha. I kid.
No, but seriously, I love what you're doing, holy crap was that the last of my flask? Sara? Is the flask empty and the abc store is closed?
Excuse me.
Posted by: Doctor Badmash | Friday, December 31, 2004 at 07:21 AM
Hmm. That didn't come out right at all...What I meant to say was "Keep on cranking out the hits and I'll stay out of the moonshine".
Have a happy new year!
Posted by: Doctor Badmash | Friday, December 31, 2004 at 01:41 PM
i'm busy on july 25th. hows Arbor Day for you?
Posted by: e | Saturday, January 01, 2005 at 01:07 PM
Look who's a finalist!
http://www.blogmechanics.com/bob/
Posted by: BoB | Sunday, January 02, 2005 at 07:57 AM