A New Age

Thankfully, this new "moral values based" society will lead to many changes in the coming years.  I think we can all give praise to the Jesus for that.  Yea Jesus!  Way to...ya know...be moral and shit.

I'm here today to announce the first shift in policy.  As of November 15th, 2004, America will no longer condone Ironic Hipsterism.  Those found to be ironically hip in any way will have the patchouli hosed off of them by fire hoses and be given a standard two-color striped silk tie.  Those attempting to wear thin red leather retro-80s ties in an effort to ironically comply with the law will be kicked to death by moon boots.

Several questions have flooded the offices of Homeland Conformity regarding the new policy.  Primarily, callers want to know "why the man gotta be harshing our chill, dude"?   The answer to that is simple.  Everyone under the age of 30 has become ironically hip, making it no longer ironic or hip.  Groovy disobedience has become conventional.  America cannot maintain its world-leading traditions of counterculture if everyone is complying to rules.  Several people have even been found to be ironic by accident, causing more-than-normal confusion by twenty-somethings. 

Twenty-four year-old Frank Rollins explains - 

"Man, I saw this old dude wearing a Mack Truck trucker hat at the gas station the other day and I was all like, 'Man, that's horseshit.  That dude doesn't get it. He doesn't even get the fuckin' joke.'  Then he got in his Mack truck and drove away.  Really makes ya think, ya know?"

Several of the behaviors that Homeland Conformity has outlawed include:

• Wearing a stocking cap when it's warmer than 32 degrees.
• Calling your friends "homies", "dogg" or "G".
• Wearing a baseball hat unless you can throw a baseball more than 25 feet.
• White people drinking malt liquor.
• Oral sex.
• Looking in any way like Ashton Kutcher.
• Not caring about stuff.
• Wearing military surplus clothing (unless you earned it).
• Smoking clove cigarettes.
• Reading Catcher in the Rye.
• T-Shirts that feign an interest in The Jesus.
• Any clothing that states, either figuratively or literally, that you've done something or haven't done something that you did or didn't actually do.
• Getting your gay on.
• Using expressions like "Getting your gay on".

The key to the policy is, basically, if you look around for a half hour and see two other people between the ages of 18 and 32 (or older men with ponytails) that are doing what you're doing, it's now illegal.

Now get out there and conform in the most nonconformist way you know how!

Comments

[snowy]

i'm sorry. i just can't give up the malt liquor habit. life with out St. Ides is a life not worth living, G.

[the wigger]

You were watching the South Park episode with the
non-conformist goth kids in it again..weren't you..

either that or you know one too many white kids that drive mommy's spare lexus despite trying to be hip-hop or ghetto.. I think we all know and want to beat the shit out of a few from that breed. They cry easily though and i find joy in this..

[k]

Ironic hipsters don't where patchouli. I'm just sayin'...

If I ever have to choose a way to die, I think I will pick death by moon boots.

[k]

STUPID HOMOPHONES!!!

[julia]

i was with you right up until the oral sex.

and then again right after the oral sex.

[Sarah]

can't this wait? i mean the 15th is my birthday!

i can conform by not conforming AFTER my birthday is over. before then, i plan on having loads of oral sex whilst wearing my stocking cap, whilst smoking clove ciggies and wearing my Jesus t-shirt all whilst gettin' my "gay" on. :)

[Andy]

I know you realize that becoming conformist and letting the establishment appear to have dominion over your soul will become the NEW super-ironically hip.

[Lilly]

But oral sex (ask the boyfriend) and not givin' a shit about stuff (just ask my two bosses, everyone I work with and all the customers I ignore on a daily basis) is totally what I do best, dawg!

[Lisa]

To conform or not to conform, either IS the norm...

[Chops]

eww you said patchouli.

[michelle]

ORAL SEX?!?!! :( werd yo, that's harsh.

[Chasmyn]

So if one is say, over 32, then it's okay?

[Stumblemouth]

I used to be a conformist, but I never really fit in.

[Rob E.]

What about t-shirts that feign feigning an interest in The Jesus? I'm thinking of the "Jesus Shaves" shirt that I saw somewhere.

I just went through two years of posts like a hot butter knife through-- no, wait, that's not right. Besides, it took me three weeks of intermittent reading, but what I wanted to say was, "Wow" or maybe "Thanks" and possibly even "Get down with your bad self." But I'm afraid you may have just outlawed the last one until I turn 33 and remove my pony-tail.

[styro]

Um, don't dismiss the oral sex, we're gonna need that.

[styro]

And by "we" i didn't me "you and me" i meant it more like the "collective we" like, "the world"

Pardon.

[dan]

if your oral sex is ironic you are doing it wrong - try it without the trucker hat, or at least put the damn hat on your head where the jesus intended it to be

meantime, can I wear a knit cap if an authentic indy hipster made it for me? How about if I wear it with heartbreaking earnestness? Or while I'm otherwise totally naked?