Now obviously you’re aware that your body odor is repulsive. I mean, how can you not notice? Even if you can’t smell your own scent, surely the site of people falling down dead around you, clutching their stank-burned throats, is some kind of clue. So don’t act like it’s not you. We know it’s you.
Do you see that big helicoptery looking thing over there in the corner? It sure does make it windy in here, doesn’t it? Those of us “in the know” call it a fan. It serves to circulate air and cool down those of us who are working out. Fancy, eh?
Do you also see how you’re between the fan and me? What this means is that your particularly offending stench is being amplified. For I am downwind. This is bad.
Do you want to know what’s making it worse?
What’s making it worse is that you appear to have just shit your pants. On what planet did you think you were going to squeak out that Nagasakass* and nobody would notice? I’m struggling enough with this elliptical trainer without having to vomit into my own mouth due to the wave of horror caused by the remains of your Chimichanga.
And stop looking around innocently, you disgusting gasbag. I know it was you. The girl next to me knows it was you. The guy at the QT five blocks away knows it was you.
Now go wipe and get out of my gym.
*or possibly Hiroshamass
Gross! See, another reason i find it easier just to stay at home and watch tv.
Posted by: mark | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 12:31 PM
This is a great site! Not only are your stories funny, but they're great writing as well. Thanks for the laughs.
Posted by: Brandon | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 01:18 PM
you've done better..
Posted by: Sarah | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 01:23 PM
LOL - Body odor is so disturbing. I remember sitting next to a lady in the waiting room of the gynecologist's office once whose b.o. was so bad, it almost knocked me out.
Some doctor had to EXAMINE that.
Gyno's deserve every cent they make.
Posted by: Dawn (webmiztris) | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 01:47 PM
Good God. Only thing worse is being next to someone who's trying to get rid of their hangover after a bender and alcohol mixed with sweat is seeping out of their pores, accompanying the scent of foul morning breath and poopy pants. Glad I decided to leave it all behind and take up yoga.
Posted by: frstlymil | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 01:59 PM
I don't know why, but I always thought body functions were funny. when I read this post I started cracking up. the laughter was so contagious it spread throughout the whole music lab and people had to come see what I was reading.
you're a great writer (funny as poop), and thanks for making me laugh today :-D
Posted by: Voodoo Lady | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 02:15 PM
another classic entry! geez, i've sat next to bag ladies on the bus before who have appeared to smell better than that assclown.
Posted by: michelle | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 02:23 PM
This is why I don't go to the gym. Thank you.
Posted by: coolbeans | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 02:45 PM
i can't believe you wrote that you were using the elliptical trainer and not doing a 350 lb bench press.
my whole image of you has just been shattered.
*cry*
Posted by: snowy | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 03:53 PM
I've just begun going to the gym at my workplace and riding the exercise bike. I choose the one on the end. I put on my headphones, and I pedal away for 30 minutes only opening my eyes occassionally to check the time. (though I have it fairly well figured out by the number of songs) So, with THAT in mind: Dear Co-worker in gym, I have headphones on and my eyes are shut. Yes, I did see you out of the corner of my eye but I shut my eyes right away in an attempt to ignore you. Please don't come over and shout a friendly "hello" to me, and PLEASE, for god's sake DON'T touch me. Ever. I'm on my lunch break. Leave me alone!
Posted by: jw | Friday, October 01, 2004 at 04:31 PM
Eeeeuuuuwwww... I think I just got a whiff from here!
Posted by: sue | Saturday, October 02, 2004 at 09:09 PM
So that's why I don't go to a gym...
Posted by: Rohit | Saturday, October 02, 2004 at 11:16 PM
I am newly pregnant and just last week I went to the gym where this man had the worst B.O. ever. There he was flirting with some chick and she followed him. I sat there gagging into my towel. I have never smelt anything so bad. Thanks for the awful memory but I do love your site.
Posted by: Karoni | Sunday, October 03, 2004 at 02:08 AM
Haven't been keeping up with your Queer Eye, have you?
Carson says that B.O. is the new black.
Queer Guy Carson, not Carson Daly (although, you could strongly argue they're one in the same)
Posted by: leo | Sunday, October 03, 2004 at 11:22 AM
;oD
Posted by: nellooo | Sunday, October 03, 2004 at 06:44 PM
Hilarious! :D Glad I haven't had any of that encounter at the gym..
Posted by: harriene79 | Monday, October 04, 2004 at 02:58 AM
and to think i'm starting gym tomorrow! oh, may a higher power be with me . . .
Posted by: akagino | Monday, October 04, 2004 at 03:57 PM