Woo Your Woman

It’s time for a new feature here at Witt and Wisdom called Woo Your Woman.

Many men find themselves feeling awkward while engaged in casual conversation with the fairer sex. Their voice cracks or they begin to sweat or they prematurely sneeze in their trousers. I’ve had years of experience in conversing with the enboobened gender and I’m now willing to open the vault and share my non-cunnilingus-based oral skills with the masses.

Today’s inaugural version centers on “conversation starters” that you can use while you watch the Olympics with a woman friend. Assuming you haven’t drugged her yet.

While watching women’s gymnastics, beam competition, “Man, how do you chicks do the ‘beaver cleaver’ without your cockbox going numb?”

While watching women’s gymnastics, floor exercise, “Baby, if you can get your legs up by your head like that, I’ll give you my ‘perfect 10’.”

While watching women’s swimming, backstroke, “I haven’t seen a woman go down like that since Marti Gras.”

While watching women’s volleyball, beach-style, “I can’t think of anything wrong with women in bikinis hugging. Have…you…ya know…ever thought about hugging a woman…while you’re in a bikini…while I videotape?”

While watching men’s gymnastics, any event, “I could totally do that.”

While watching women’s weightlifting, “Have you ever seen a woman’s snatch like that? That is the best snatch I’ve ever seen. Don’t you think that’s an awesome snatch?"

Again, these are just conversation starters. Although you should expect that your female friend will disrobe within minutes of uttering these pearls of charm, don’t get overanxious. Ease into it by telling her that she doesn’t have to worry about taking off her underwear, because you can “work around it”.

Also, wink a lot.

Comments

[rob]

That'll help, thanks. I've archived this in my Palm Pilot so I can refer to it in the field.

[Julie]

You forgot one:

While watching men's gymnastics (any event) say: "I taught him that."

My son says that about all the moves. It cracks me up!

[teahouseblossom]

You guys are such charmers. And you're smart enough to know that nothing makes a woman swoon like referring to her "cockbox."

[ms. lunchbreak]

stop. you're turning me on.

[cal]

Where'd you get that line about sneezing in one's trousers? It cracked me up because one afternoon my wife and I were engaging in some "afternoon delight" while the kids napped. One of the little cherubs appeared in our room unexpectedly. My wife was hidden from view under the sheets, but my upper torso and face were visible.

Neither of us noticed the precious young girl in in the room until she inquired: "Mommy, why does daddy have that look on his face? What are you doing?"

My wife had exactly zero time to compose herself and contrive a plausible but casual answer that would hopefully satisfy the youngster's curiousity.

So, she replied, "Daddy has to sneeze, dear... Mommy was trying to help him sneeze."

[Sarah]

thanks for sharing your "non-cunnilingus-based oral skills"
glad to see you back on form CW... ;)
puts a twinge in my...

[Theresa]

you charmer. don't forget to ask if we ever get sand stuck all over our asses like that. we really like that one.

[jw]

You are such a freakin' perv! Anybody says anything like that to me and it's going to feel like the WINTER Olympics.

[Jennifer]

This reminds me of the pick-up line I heard last night (not aimed at me, thank god): "Can I bite you there?"

[jenB]

my underwear were off halfway through this post. you are a god.

[Sadie]

Um excuse me...have we met before???

[Marvin]

Bwaaa-ha-ha-haaaaa! snort! giggle...
Could hardly finish that one..!

[dan]

"You can get me to stand right up without even playing the the national anthem."
"You wanna know why they call it the bi-athalon?" (okay that's for winter but if you're charming enough she won't notice)
"Let me show you the difference between greco-roman and the regular kind of rassling."

And for the record, I was a medal contender in "premature trousersneeze" till they caught me taking performance-enhancing drugs.