Bet The Pot

I'm a little late in telling you about my weekend, and I just know you're dying to know what I did. Prepare to live vicariously.

On Friday night, I participated in the Relay for Life. It raises a ton of money for the American Cancer Society and it’s always inspirational to see those who've beaten cancer and remember those who've lost the battle. It’s an all-night walk/vigil that brings all kinds of wonderful people together. A great time with friends and strangers alike.

Also, it’s an opportunity for me to get three hours sleep on a chair in the middle of damp fairgrounds. I’m pretty sure this is to help simulate the effects of cancer on the body. It’s like a really crappy ride at Disneyland. Dr. Zany’s Wacky Carcinoma Adventure.

Anyway, I don’t do well on anything less than about 14 hours of sleep. And I get proportionally worse with fewer and fewer hours. So I was tired.

On Saturday, I decided to lounge around in the pool, soak up some sun and drink my bodyweight in beer. Because nothing reenergizes a person like sun and alcohol. Except for maybe getting beaten over the head with a brick.

When I finally did go to lie down, I had entered some Jim Morrison-esque state of consciousness where I was kind of out-of-bodyish and floaty. I could barely decipher reality from hazy dreams.

And we all know that the best thing to do when you're out-of-your-mind tired and foggy is to gamble. So I went over to my friends’ house later that evening to play cards, still operating on about five total hours of sleep in the past 40. If this ever happens to you, just hand everyone at the table $10 and be done with it.

I lost pretty much every hand for the first hour or so. We played everything from Texas Hold ‘Em to Blackjack to Seven Card Draw with two wild cards.

Then, after a time, we began a game that some have called High-Low or In-Between, where you bet on whether the next card will be between the two "up" cards. It's the crack of card games. There is no effort or logic or anything. It is all gut feel.

Unfortunately for everyone in the group, we have terrible guts. Also, the cards were possessed by Satan. We almost had to bring in that midget chick from Poltergeist.

An example: The dealer flips up a queen and a three. The better bets on whether the next card will fall between these two cards. If the next card isn’t an Ace, King or two, he wins. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Wrong, bitch.

See, that’s how they getcha.

Oh, did I also mention that if the next card is a queen or a three (matching either of the starting cards) that you have to pay extra? Yeah, there’s that.

And I’ll tell ya, none of us could beat this evil deck. We play quarter, fitty-cent, dollar bets. We aren’t starting Caesar's South or anything. Just nice and friendly. But after a while, when everyone is betting a couple of bucks on an obvious win and losing, things mount.

So when it came to my friend Mike and he got that queen/three combo and shouted “BET THE POT!” (with some slight coaxing from the group) and then another queen showed up, things got…um…INSANE.

As he counted the chips in a pot that started with $3.50, his final tally came to around $35-$40. Which, with his matching contribution, meant that the pot was now $70-$80.

I know for some of you serious gamblers, this isn’t that much money. But you have an addiction and need to get into a program.

Dude, that’s a lot of money.

The cards went around a few more times and more and more people lost more and more money. The television in the corner went to static. A little blonde girl put her hands on it.

As the dealer shuffled the deck, I’m pretty sure I heard flipflipflipflipgetoutflipflipflipflip.

Around it went again. And stopped on me.

Jack/Three.

Go with your gut, dude.

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

Oh yeah.

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

I’m feeling it.

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

“Bet the pot, baby!!” I yelled.

“WHOOO-HOOO!!!” everyone cheered.

"Yeah! Gimme my money!"

Queen.

Um, what was that again?

Queen.

And a queen is not technically in the range between a jack and a three, is it?

Um, no.

Mother whore.

I was unable to count the chips myself, for my hands had gone numb. The blood in my body had all rushed to my earlobes.

“You want me to count this up or should we just call it an even hundred?” I was asked.

“No, count that shit up. I’ll pay what I owe.”

Grand total: $93.75.

I distinctly remember that it was $93.75 because I had to write it out on a little IOU slip of paper and toss it into the pot.

Which meant there was now $187.50 in the middle of the table.

I wasn’t a fan of Satan before, but this sealed it. He’s not coming to any more of my dinner parties.

And still, around it went.

Everyone was now openly fearing the deck.

Bets were small and hesitant, like my genitals.

Then.

Crystel won $10.

Oooo. Mark lost $10.

But Mike won $5.

And now to me.

Jack/Three.

I pause.

It’s all the opening the assembled mob needs.

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

Holy shit, that’s a lot of money.

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

Are my fingernails sweating?

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

What would Jesus do?

“BET THE POT! BET THE POT! BET THE POT!”

“Oh, I’m betting that fucking pot,” I say.

“WHOOO-HOOO!!!” everyone cheered.

Flip that card. FLIP IT!!

*****

So here’s the thing.

I’m not sure what the next card was.

But I do know that it was less than a jack and more than a three.

And I also know that I walked away with over $180.

Including my $93.75 IOU.

I’m sure there’s a moral in this story somewhere about charity or sleep depravation or living in the moment, but I think it’s mostly a story about Satan.

And how I kicked his ass.

Comments

[snowy]

you have nerves of steel and ice in your blood mister! i would have choked somehow and lost 3k before it was all over.

[Sarah]

CW.. I get such pleasure reading your blog.. I just want you to know how truly appreciated you are!

and.. maybe it's just me.. but didn't you do something similar to this last year.. i seem to remember relay of life... omg.. i've been reading you that long?!

[Sweet Chuck]

Between the sheets is the devils playground, in more ways then one. I once bet the pot on a King-2, with about a $300 pot. after 2 of the remaing Kings had already been shown. I got the last king. So now I always keep a tight fist on my money between the sheets.

[Jack]

I think the moral of the story is that Satan will only kick you in the balls once because he knows you're drunk and sleep-deprived.

Nice chap.

[tony]

I *hate* those games. The first time I ever really played I was doing great through the Hold 'Ems and Draw Pokers and then came this one. While not quite the stakes you had going, but who knew you could lose 60 or so bucks (and almost a girlfriend) in 2 hours of playing 5, 10 and 25 cent bets?

To hell with "between the sheets", I'm calling that one "between the cheeks"!!

(Oh, and for those of you..err... US... that have a horrible bug for things like this AND won't grow up to save ourselves, a casino in Detroit reportedly has a "War" table. As an old roomie told me, "Yeah, THAT "War". I lay down a card, you lay down a card, if mine's higher, I win. But for money." That would kick...my...ass." *laugh*)

[Sweet N Sassy]

The more I read the quicker my heart pounded...and the faster I read....I just knew Satan was back for another kick .....WOW just caught my breath....I can tell I am going to get a kick out of reading your blog.

[climbergirl]

That same shit happened to me in Vegas on the Roulette table. The damn string ran 18 reds in a row, jackass that I am, put $200 on black. Mother fucker ran red for another 5 spins. Needless to say I was down a paycheck in a matter of minutes. Satan wears a name tag with "dealer" embossed on it.

Glad to hear you beat Satan, you are my hero.

[Scott-san]

Awesome story. I can never remember the exact rules of "Between the Sheets," as I haven't played it in years, but we did have a friendly "family" game of "Gut" going on and on and we decided that if the pot got to $30, we'd split it. I had already doubled the pot getting hit while failing to beat the deck on a paired up ghost card. So, it got to $30 and I was the only one to stay in, and I won.

I haven't played poker in a while, but there are a couple tournaments (one semi-official) happening here in town this Summer, so maybe I'll get back into the game.

[She-Dork]

Whenever you start talking about Satan, I KNOW the entry is going to rock.

So my only question is, was He still driving that black SUV?

[Carly]

There is NOTHING in this world more satisfying than kicking Satan's ass.
Nothing.
It's like, "Ha ha, muthafucka, I'm WAY too smart for you!!!"

Congratulations on your win, man.

[Dave]

We used to play that when I was a teenager. (60s.) We called it Acey-Duecey. 5 guys one night, freaking dime ante, and the pot got to like $15 and we just said screw this and split the pot 5 ways. I have hated it ever since. Thanks for reminding me of that!

[bluepoppy]

That's sum mothafuckin' fine storytellin' right there--- yes!

[Mish]

Winning the jackpot was good karma for doing the Relay for Life thing (which I'm doing tonight!) - maybe you could give them 1/2 your winnings?
Yeah - I kinda sound like a preachy bitch - sorry.

[nikita]

I love Acey-Deucy. I won't apologize for it. And I have also seen pots get that high from tiny antes before, both on A/D and Guts (which I hate) although to my recollection I have never been the Big Winner. Guess Satan's biding her time with me.

[Almost Lucid (Brad)]

Luck is a whooooore tonight! So, did you blow the cash or bank it like a good boy?